Editors note: Many links in this post connect to my other blog, The Transamorous Network, where I offer Positively Focused material, oriented to the transgender community. This story also describes an experience a Transamorous network client experienced recently. It’s being shared here due to its revelatory nature.
Often clients offer great examples of how our thoughts create our reality. That happened just today (at the time of writing this).
This client’s experience also shows how faithfully our beliefs play out in our behaviors. In the behavior of others too. Even so, these often are invisible to us. Because we can’t see them, we can’t do anything about them. So having them show up in our reality is the best way to figure out what our beliefs are.
“Reality” includes our own behaviors. So in addition to how we feel and what we think, another great way of discovering beliefs creating our reality is by looking at how we act. And how people act toward us.
By doing that, we can deliberately create paths to everything we want, with very little effort on our part. This is the basis from which I work with clients. On the way to getting all they want, clients become empowered. They also become happy. This client is a perfect example.
Let’s take a look at the wonderful experience she offered.
Creating her dating reality as she goes
My client is using the Positively Focused practice to improve her dating life, among other things. Recently she stopped using online dating. I don’t encourage anyone to use online dating. Here’s why.
Besides, it’s just more fun meeting your perfect match through serendipity.
Anyway, the client, who I’ll call Sarah, now has several men she’s seeing. Most of them are casual. And a few of them involve actually going out on dates. That’s great because Sarah, who is transgender, has very strong beliefs about men not being willing to take her out. But because she’s changed those beliefs, men now take her out. Go figure!
One guy I’ll call Cleo, wants to take Sarah out. But he’s scared. He still resists his trans-attraction. So, he’ll text Sarah, telling her he wants to see her. Or text her about taking her out. Sarah likes getting these messages. But it irks her that he won’t followup. She wants him to take her out. He doesn’t though.
I explained to Sarah that Cleo represents a stepping stone along the path to the relationship she ultimately wants and will have. I also said the more she focuses on positive aspects of what Cleo offers, the more she becomes a match to that relationship she ultimately wants.
Sarah’s working on this. Some days she’s better than others. But what happened in today’s session was instructive. First some more context.
A relationship to beat all relationships
Sarah loves a man she really wants to be with. She and this guy, I’ll call Paul, have talked on and off for years. Paul really likes Sarah. But he too fears his trans-attraction. Yet he keeps coming back to Sarah. Sarah really wants to be with Paul. I assure her constantly she can be with Paul and will be. Once she becomes fully a match to him and vice versa.
But beliefs Sarah keeps active about relationships, about Paul and about herself keep her from becoming a match. I am working with Sarah to identify and soothe these beliefs.
One belief she has is, if she told Paul about her dating experiences, Paul will get angry at her and cut her off. Even though Paul has consistently told Sarah she should date other people. I told Sarah she should share what she does with these other men. Not to manipulate Paul, but, instead to authentically express what she’s doing. Which is something Paul already encouraged her to do. Paul would appreciate knowing she took his advice, I said.
So Sarah really wants to be with Paul. Paul likes Sarah a lot and wants that too. But both keep beliefs active that keep the two apart. And Sarah won’t communicate authentically with Paul because she’s afraid she’ll lose him.
Ok, that’s the context. Now, back to Cleo. Keep in mind what you just read. See if you can put the pieces together about beliefs and how they created the reality you’re about to read before I explain it in the section after this next one.
Perfect manifestation played in real time
One day Cleo texted her. He complained that a lot of older cis-women were coming on to him. He said he had lots of opportunity to fuck these women. But he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Sarah told him he should enjoy these women. He should have sex with them, she said, if he wants to and thinks he will enjoy it.
The more a person can enjoy life, the more life will yield to them what they want. That’s the general rule of the Positively Focused approach. So I applauded Sarah for telling Cleo this. It’s also spot-on guidance.
A couple days later, Cleo texted Sarah. He shared news that he did actually follow Sarah’s advice. He said he had a great time doing it. Remember, Sarah encouraged Cleo to have sex with these women.
Here’s what happened next, in Sarah’s own words:
“After he told me,” she said. “I got mad. Then I picked a big, giant fight with him. He got really angry with me. Then he stopped talking to me.”
Can you see what happened here? It’s a perfect manifestation of Sarah’s beliefs about Paul and her playing out, in real time, in her behavior, and Cleo’s!
The evidence: plain as day
Sarah is playing out her belief about being authentic with Paul, with Cleo. Here Cleo is, doing what I suggest Sarah could do with Paul. Cleo is telling Sarah authentically what’s happening in his life. Notice how Sarah first responds to his authentic sharing. She’s empathetic. She offers really good advice: do what pleases you.
But then, when Cleo takes Sarah’s advice, Sarah gets pissed. We could replace Cleo with Sarah in this example, and Sarah with Paul. Doing that, we can see how Sarah is creating a reality revealing her beliefs about Paul and her. They’re playing out in perfect view for all to see.
If I tell Paul what I’m doing with these other men, he’ll get mad and stop talking with me. That’s Sarah’s belief about her relationship with Paul. And that belief has Sarah feeling fear. Even so, when Cleo does what Sarah’s afraid to do with Paul, at first, Sarah is compassionate. She offers great advice. But when he follows it, Sarah gets mad and picks a fight – exactly what she’s afraid Paul will do if she shares authentically what she’s up to.
What’s interesting though is the combination of realities playing out. At first Sarah is interested and compassionate. This tells Sarah that Paul would be interested and compassionate should she communicate authentically to him. But her fear dominates her behavior as a manifestation. So she gets mad at Cleo after first being interested and compassionate. That tells her she will match a version of Paul who equally gets mad. Unless she changes her beliefs.
The evidence here is as plain as day. It’s playing itself out in Sarah’s reality. Both in Cleo’s actions and her behavior too.
Power and leverage unveiled
This is the kind of thing we uncover in Positively Focused sessions. It’s the gold daily life contains about everything we want to know. Everything that will get us all the love we want. Or all the money we want. Or whatever else we want. Definitely all the happiness we can handle. And then some.
As we can see, physical reality is very sophisticated. The uninitiated have a hard time figuring all this out. That’s because we have a literal constellation of beliefs creating our ongoing, unfolding reality. A reality that includes behaviors of others. Others we create as specific versions for ourselves. As well as our own behaviors. Behaviors we’re often blind to.
All of this gives us clues about our inner-understanding. Our inner world constantly projects outward. It creates our realities all day, every day. Which is why a Positively Focused practice offers so much value. Through the practice, clients learn how to read the clues.
Just because we can’t see all this doesn’t mean it’s not happening. It is happening. And when a person starts seeing life through this lens, they come into incredible power and leverage. Power and leverage allowing one to deliberately create any reality they want. Including one in which anyone can enjoy anything they want.
Maybe you’re ready to get your hands on that power and leverage. Send me a note. Let’s get you started.