Transform Your Husband Or Wife Without Their Involvement

Transform

This is a Positively Focused client. Like all of Positively Focused clients, he is getting immediate results in creating the relationship he wants. This is why I guarantee the process. It works.

My client is in a relationship with his son’s mother. Their relationship had been very rocky because our client was telling rocky stories about himself, about her and about his relationship. In three sessions, after cleaning up some of his unhelpful stories, his son’s mother started acting different. How? My client stepped into his Moment Of Becoming and created a new version of her.

In this clip, hear him settle into his reality-creation power. He creates people in his reality too, which is why his partner changes as well as his reality.

This client is now on his way to his dreams. He’s excited about the path and finds the work exhilarating, even while recognizing the work, in his words, can be a “blessing and a curse.”

I would say the work puts him where he belongs: at the center of the Universe, ongoingly creating the Universe that surrounds him. There, it does seem like a blessing…when  creating the Universe on purpose.

When not creating on purpose, as the client says here, it becomes curse. Or I could say life shows clients how not creating reality on purpose leads to unnecessary turbulence in reality-creation.

The more my clients discover the joy of living in connection with their Broader Perspectives the more they get what they want. Then, living lives in created realities they don’t want feels awful. But that’s good: How else are my clients supposed to know when they’re creating on purpose, or creating through obliviousness?

Find out more about my client services here.

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How to keep your heart from breaking

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.

Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?

Not necessarily.

No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.

My recent relationship taught me that. 😂 ❤️👍🏾

· · ·

Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.

Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.

But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.

I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.

For a while she appreciated all that.

Then it got too much for her.

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Relationships with other people get all the attention. The best relationship includes no one but you and you. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)

Relationships are nice-to-haves

I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.

As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.

There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.

So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love for me is enough. When it pores through me I become that. Pure love.

So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?

Good question.

Thoughts make reality

My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works.

When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.

Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.

In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from that fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.

Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.

Unchecked my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.

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Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.

Thoughts come from somewhere

Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.

Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.

So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.

That’s how it works.

I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.

Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.

So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.

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Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

 

Love happens best when alone

Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these in this blog.

Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.

Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.

This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.

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You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.

So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.

  • She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
  • She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
  • She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety.
  • She said our relationship would fail.

I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.

For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.

As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.

For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.

That’s what happened for me with Lauren. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?

It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.

Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.

Open relationships: the best path to the one best relationship

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Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.

Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.

Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.

I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.

Open relationships: either partner may want one

Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.

I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.

She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.

I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.

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Photo by @plqml on Unsplash

Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.

It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.

For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.

She said she knew we were a match regardless.

That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.

I see that now. You are on the same path.

• • •

Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.

A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.

Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.

Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.

That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.

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Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.

But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.

Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.

People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.

Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.

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Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

One way or another it’s going to happen

While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.

I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.

But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.

Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner BeingI haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.

The best relationship I could ever want

My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.

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Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.

What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.

I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.

These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.

Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!

What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.

Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.

I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.

Why? It’s not their job.

A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.

You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.

Which is why I started Positively Focused.

When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.

 

Bonus content:

After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”

The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.

Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.

The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.

Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.

If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.

Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.

Want to know more? Write me. 

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How Others Happily Do What I Want

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It’s easy to get people to do what I want. Being Positively Focused is the key.

These two stories show what I mean.

I have a friend I’ll call Jeff. Lately he’s been involved with a guy he’s head-over-heels for. So he spends nearly all his free time with that guy.

One day I sent Jeff a text inviting him over. He texted back saying he was pretty busy and offered the following week. That never happened.

Two weeks later I was riding my bike to get groceries. On my way I thought about Jeff. Then, I thought how great it would be to see a super hero movie. It had been a while since I saw one.

A day after buying my groceries, I realized I “accidentally” left at the register a bag of mixed nuts I bought.  I called the store. They said the checker remembered me and invited me to come get a replacement. I told them I’d head that way, weather depending.

I was enjoying creating art for my projects that morning. I really didn’t want to go. But then I got a strong impulse to go. I try to immediately respond to strong impulses.

So I checked the weather. No rain until afternoon. I jumped on my bike and headed over.

On my way, I rode past Jeff’s home. His door upstairs was open, which I thought was strange because his car wasn’t there.

Then, guess who comes around the corner in his car. It’s Jeff! We greet and hug. He tells me he just broke up with his boyfriend. I told Jeff that was perfect because now he can hang out with me.

He laughed and said, “and yeah, maybe we can go see a movie too. I hear that new Joker is really great. We should go this Sunday!”

See the connection? Just the other day I thought how cool it would be to see another comic book movie and here Jeff is suggesting we go to one. And, since “accidentally” forgot some nuts, I was able to connect with him in perfect timing, in person! How cool is that?

· · ·

I’m learning to interpret impulses I get as open doors. I don’t have to walk through. When I do, though, life delivers all kinds of surprises.

The week comes to an end. I haven’t been thinking about Jeff, or the movie he suggested we go see. But on Friday I heard a movie review. The movie stars Brad Pitt. It’s called Ad Astra. It sounded good.

I thought about Jeff and our Sunday plans. Then I thought, “I’d rather see Ad Astra than Joker.”

Sunday morning comes. I wake to wonderful dreams, enjoy a deep meditation and do a dream analysis. Then I prepare for my day using my Positively Focused framework.

I need next week’s groceries, so I check the weather. There’s a 90-minute rain-free window that comes…and goes.

I miss it.

So I put on my rain gear, take out my bike and head to get next week’s groceries.

Now, I know I’m in in tune with the Universe because of  what happens in my moment-by-moment life experience. When I’m in tune, the weather cooperates. People are friendly and generous.

Just before I head out, the rain stops. When I get to the store, I meet all kinds of friendly people. I have great conversations with other customers. Store employees are helpful and conversant. Pleasant too.

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A continuous stream of happy people coming into my life indicates a strong connection with my Inner Being and the Universe.  (My illustration)

I know I’m in a great Positively Focused place. So it was no surprise what happened next.

I get a text message. It’s from Jeff. It says: “what do you think about seeing Ad Astra?”

Of course the story doesn’t end there. We ended up going to the movie and having a great time.

· · ·

This next experience came six months later. The more I’m Positively Focused the gap between one seemingly magical event and the next narrows. These days, magical things happen near-constantly. Only it’s not magic. The universe want’s all of us to have what we want.

The more I tune into universal frequencies, the more things I want happen with no effort. Including people acting in ways I’d prefer.

I’ve said in previous posts I ride my bike to and from work. I like riding my bike, even in cold weather. It’s a great workout. The trip takes about 30 minutes.

But it’s late fall, early winter. It’s getting really cold and rainy. I have the right riding equipment. So I’m comfortable, but one day I wondered about how it would be when temperatures dip below freezing.

One night at the end of my shift, I had a thought. It said “Diane is going to offer to drive me home tonight.” Diane is another delivery driver.

When she drives home each night, she drives right by my house. I’ve never asked her for a ride because I like riding my bike. But this night, I had this thought.

When I got this thought, I let it sit there. I didn’t think about it any more than it was: a passing thought. But I imagined how nice it would be riding home in a warm car…

I clocked out. Then Diane came in. She clocked out, turned to me and said “let me take you home tonight. I’m worried about you riding home in the dark, at night, in the rain.”

I wasn’t surprised. I knew this was going to happen. When it happened, that’s what it felt like. That it was going to happen.

The next several weeks rain fell heavy. Winds blew hard and it was really cold. It’s like Diane knew the future.

Not only did Diane offer to drive me home. When we got to my house, she offered to pick me up the next day too.

Every day since then, we’ve been carpooling to and from work. I didn’t have to ask. It just happened.

I’m starting to interpret some thoughts as precognition. My Inner Being told me it was going to happen. Then it happened.

· · ·

A manifestation, no matter how amazing, always contains seeds for the next manifestation. Life is always getting better for a Positively Focused person. So even when something really cool happens, life says “hold my beer” and tops it. What happens next demonstrates that.

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I was enjoying riding to and from work with Diane. We became friends. But Diane has a story about money related to her family. Right now she’s the main bread winner as her husband is in school learning to become a teacher. Diane believes she must maximize her income as the bread winner.

What that means is, every evening, Diane would hang out at the van lot, or at the station and stretch out her shift to earn extra hourly time. I didn’t like that very much. I preferred to get home asap so I can write blogs like this one, draw or do other things.

While I didn’t like what was happening I didn’t try doing anything about it. I didn’t talk to Diane about it. I didn’t complain. Instead I considered the positives: being driven home. Not biking in the cold rain…

Honestly, though, there were times when I complained to myself a little. Sometimes I debated whether or not I should go back to riding my bike. I thought how nice it used to be getting home before 9 p.m.

Commuting by car was nice too though.

Then one morning when Diane picked me up, she said she needed to finish right when our shift ended. She said she planned to take her daughter out for her birthday. We finished right on time that night and got home early.

That felt nice.

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Diane and I coordinating so we get off right at the end of our shift.

The next day I asked her how the birthday event was. Then I said “it was nice to get home early. Wasn’t it?”

She agreed.

 

Then, the following day, Diane told me that her husband asked why was she was coming home so late all the time. He reminded her they were doing fine financially. There was no reason, he said, for her to work extra time each shift.

It’s interesting how that conversation happened. I had nothing to do with it. And yet at the same time, I knew my Inner Being’s hands (if it had hands) were all over this.

So when Diane told me what her husband said, I just said very casually how nice it would feel to come home early every night.

From that day forward, we always left no later than 15 minutes after our shift. That was nice! Because of that, I got home 15 minutes earlier than had I took my bike.

I can tell Diane likes coming home early. I’m sure her husband does too.

Both these stories show how intending rather than trying to control people creates my reality. The more Positively Focused I get, the more life just starts working this way. Things happen literally with no effort on my part.

And the fact that I recognize it when it happens delights the Universe. And that makes the Universe want to deliver more such experiences. That’s the upward spiral I referred to in earlier posts. The better it gets, the better it gets.

It’s easy to get people to do what you want. The key is lining up with the leverage of the Universe. I do that by being Positively Focused.

When I’m Positively Focused, the Universe does all the work. Things I want come easily. Often they come through other people. When it happens this way, the people are more than willing to do what I want because doing it is in their best interest too.

And that’s the easiest way to have other people do what you want: let the Universe make it happen for you.

The Key To Easily Creating My Best Future Nows

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I know my stories and beliefs about the world create the world. I also know my stories and beliefs are right there, in the forefront of my conscious mind. So it’s easy to see what my future is going to be. I only need to think about what I’m thinking, and believing. And saying.

Soothing thoughts creating realities I don’t want is precious. It’s precious because that’s how I create desired reality.

For example, I know it’s not a given that certain conversations about things have to be tough. There are infinite versions of such conversations in nonphysical representing probable and alternate versions of said conversations.

The conversation has already happened. The question is, which version am I drawing into my experience?

There are versions where such conversations turn into arguments. Versions where they become fist-fights. And there are versions where they’re pleasant, easy and productive too.

The conversation can be hard. But it can be easy too. And fun!

That’s how I want them to be. Pleasant, easy, productive.

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The key to creating realities I want instead of ones I don’t is understanding the “Moment of Becoming” (MOB). Then drawing the desired reality I want through that so it becomes my life experience.

How do I do that? I do that through deliberate thinking and feeling.

That’s easy (with practice).

• • •

Every event, every thing, every interaction began first as a thought. The vast majority of events, things and interactions happen with little conscious attention to how they become.

That’s because Humans aren’t aware of what you’re reading. They’re literally overcome with “reality stimulation”.

So they create their individual and collective life experiences without their conscious participation. Which is why so many get the life experiences they have.

I know it is possible to create events, things and interactions on purpose. The way I want them to happen. I know I can create people the same way. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m learning more how to do.

I know, and you know, reality can be created on purpose.  Things like inventions, art and such happen like so. Especially things we buy. Creators of those things go through a creation process not too dissimilar from the one creating reality. Those creations are reality.

I know the same process works for my personal life experience. Everything else too. This personal experience is how I’m practicing making “creating” a regular part of my life experience in this time-space reality. While at the same time refining my creative prowess in other dimensions. Including nonphysical.

Imagine what life can be like when I’m creating on purpose and it unfolds as I’ve intended! It’s happening more and more already.

That’s why I’m excited about life more and more. And more Positively Focused too. The more Positively Focused I am the more life creates according to my purpose.

The more that happens the more thrilled I get. I want to have more. So I get even MORE Positively Focused. Then life gets MORE like how I want it. So I want even more…

It’s the best positive feedback loop ever!

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The positive feedback look that is my waking reality.

Ok…Back to conversations…it’s a great example of how to be Positively Focused.

• • •

Last night my housemates came home well after 10 p.m. Ten begins the “quiet hours” of the day here at the house.

But they weren’t quiet. They had been out drinking and were loud. I had gone to bed at 11 p.m. I woke to their noise. At first I was irritated and annoyed.

My first thoughts were negative about the experience. They’re what I call Thought-Reactions.

  • Ugh, they’re so loud
  • I hope this isn’t going to be a normal thing
  • Don’t they know it’s the quiet hour?
  • I’m going to have to talk with them about this.
  • Ugh, I bet that conversation will not go well

But then I noticed the emotions “irritation” and “annoyance” for what they are.

I knew those emotions meant I wasn’t seeing this experience the way I see it from my Broader Consciousness. Another way of putting that: I was seeing this situation through my old beliefs/stories, rather than beliefs/stories supporting my desired future reality. Emotions I felt were telling me my focus was creating not on purpose.

So I sat in bed, and started thinking different thoughts. I literally made them up, which is what creation is.

I thought thoughts consistent with future experiences I want to have with my housemates.

All future experiences exist right now, alongside the present moment, in the Moment of Becoming as all things do, including probable and alternate pasts, presents and futures. So having them become my reality is a simple process of aligning my thoughts and beliefs so they’re consistent with the reality I want to have.

Here’s how I did that.

First, I thought thoughts that soothed old thoughts I had about my housemates. I could be brief because I caught the momentum early:

  • I can tell hey had a good time
  • I’m glad they enjoyed themselves
  • They’re not always this way…

Then I turned my attention to thoughts about me and what I want:

  • This is a great opportunity
  • I’m glad I’m having this experience
  • It’s giving me an opportunity to practice what I preach 😌
  • I enjoy seeing that this is actually a positive experience
  • Without this experience, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to practice!
  • I love practicing creating reality!
  • I love seeing this practice create positive results!
  • This is a great opportunity I’m giving myself!

Pay attention to what you’re feeling as you read each statement set. As you do, maybe you’ll feel the subtle but real energetic difference between the thoughts. Which thoughts feel better?

Thoughts draw to themselves thoughts like them. All thoughts want to express the fullest version of themselves…right into physical reality. That’s why inventors, artists, writers, etc., get inspiration. An idea “grows” in nonphysical. It’s seeking its full spiritual expression which is physical expression. When it gets to a certain point, it draws to it physical circumstances most likely matching its desire.

Voila! A great invention, work of art or masterpiece! Or a conversation aligned with the creator’s intent.

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It’s how reality happens! An accumulation of “thought” energy sufficient enough to move that energy “forward” into physical expression.

So I know this work at 1 a.m. last night was valuable work.

And doesn’t that mean that my housemates arrival and loudness also was valuable?

Their coming in late catalyzed opportunity to create new future experiences while simultaneously changing past experiences.

Similar past experiences in which I created that first set of negative Thought-Reactions.

It would be easy as I write this to think of past experiences like this one where I felt annoyed and irritated.

Instead of thinking about them now, I’m thinking about that probable future.

The future that I’m creating. The future I want. Where I have a conversation with them that’s light, fun, happy and productive.

And I’m adjusting thoughts and beliefs about that conversation. How it’s going to go. More important: How I’ll feel in it.

Then I’m focusing on those emotions: vibrant, alive, eager, happy, positive, influential, encouraging… As I do, new thoughts come to mind. Images too.

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Thoughts and images about how to communicate with them, what the conversation looks like. How fun it will be. How we’ll joke and laugh about it all.

I know that when I’m creating reality, the right combination of thinking (telling stories), beliefs (stories with a lot of momentum behind them) and emotion is key.  Editing stories and beliefs, which means catching myself when thinking beliefs that create my reality, then changing them by creating preferred stories/thoughts/beliefs that will create my desired reality, is the first step. Sometimes it’s easier pinning the emotion. Beliefs sometimes seem hidden.

I’ll get to that.

Next, turning my attention to emotions which come up as I tell the new stories focuses/amplifies the inexhaustible energy that is what I am. It puts that energy into motion.

That forward motion draws energy like it. In time, so long as I’m aligned with that energy, what I desire must be.

Because all ideas seek their fullest expression. And their fullest expression in this-time space reality is physical.

This is the way a reality creator creates.

• • •

Consider the movie business. A movie producer/director begins first with the idea. Then imagines it expanding into more. Then she writes it down. She creates a script or screenplay. Then she assembles her team and equipment to make it.

The tangibles – the team, the actors, the equipment, and the actual ready-to-view movie, come after the idea is well under way.

She doesn’t start with a finished physical movie, then try to adjust the characters, the scenery, give crew direction, write the script, the camera angles the lighting, etc., after the movie is already made!

That’s what Humans do though. Instead of working with that which creates their reality (their thoughts and beliefs) they try changing the movie itself (the reality they experience).

A producer starts first with an idea.

In the same way, I know I create my reality. I’m most effective when I plan my moments in advance.

My tangibles are thoughts/beliefs/emotions. They are my connection to my Broader Consciousness flowing in nonphysical and always focused on orchestrating what I’m wanting.

My Broader Consciousness delivers what I want in wonderful ways. It is my production crew. And it’s top notch. There’s no movie it can’t create for me. Just look at my dreams!

My Broader Consciousness is me. My Broader Consciousness is my extended self. Too big to fit in physical reality and yet always there focused on me because it is me! And it loves what I’m doing here. Always!

In the same way a movie producer begins with an idea, I know I create reality the same way.

I start first with an idea. Energizing it with thought momentum combined with the powerful energy of my emotions. Then I wait for the right inspiration to act.

Acting or actions aren’t the way things happen. The “happen” has already happened. Acts are the path through which I rendezvous with that which has happened. 

⬆️⬆️ That paragraph is worth re-reading. ⬆️⬆️

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Beliefs/stories are always available in consciousness. They are not buried in some “subconscious” or “ego” or some other hidden place as psychology would advise.

Beliefs/stories only look invisible when they’ve become so active they do two things: 1. They stop being in my awareness because they have become “true” for me. 2. They’ve moved so far forward into expression that they stop being beliefs and show up as my reality!

In other words they ARE true for me. So true I can see them, touch them, feel them. Hear them. Experience them.

By focusing on how I feel in any given moment, I’m aware of the reality I’m creating. Emotions will lead to beliefs which seem hidden but aren’t.

They are easy to find once I know how to look. “Find” isn’t the right word though because beliefs/stories are right in the open expressed as my reality. I know the best place to hide something is right in the open. That also makes “hidden” things easy to “find”.

Creating reality is fun now that I know how it happens. All creators get aid from the best positive feedback loop ever.

But what’s really fun is diving into the process, playing with the tangibles and seeing my movie unfold before my eyes.

Follow up: two nights ago, I had that conversation with my housemates. It was the best creation ever! It started with us just chatting about the day. They happened to all be sitting in the living room so I joined them after pre-paving my reality. After some fun and laughter about our days and life in general, I got the intuition to say the perfect thing which lead to a wonderful outcome about that night that prompted this post.

Our newest housemate just broke up with his girlfriend. He was heartbroken. So my other two housemates took him out for solace. Getting drunk is what some people do to forget for a time. 🙄

My new housemate apologized as did the others. Then we went right on chatting about all kinds of topics including spirituality, wealth, entrepreneurship and more.

It was the best conversation ever. Just as I had intended.

How To Create Your Perfect Relationship In No Time, Part 2

 

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Welcome back.

Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.

It did.

But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.

This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee our results.

Let’s get started.

• • •

By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.

Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative explanations about why. Explanations about the experience. Explanations about himself. Negative explanations about the Positively Focused approach.

Joe’s grumpiness matched all these beliefs. He thought something went wrong with the framework.

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Nothing went wrong.

Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. The key to Joe finding his perfect relationship is, he must become a match to that relationship.

Joe is not yet a match to what he wants. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is now. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.

The framework works. That doesn’t mean Joe liked what he saw.

Had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.

Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.

The relationship with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering beliefs.

And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those beliefs.

For example, Joe moved too fast. His beliefs about relationship scarcity had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.

Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.

After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone elseBut the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life. He’s also focused on the absence of relationships.

So he doesn’t have any.

When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match Joe’s beliefs though. 😃

• • •

Beliefs create reality. Belief momentum can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.

To slow old belief momentum, a person must create new beliefs. New beliefs which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old belief momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.

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Joe didn’t focus on new beliefs after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old belief momentum.

It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions in the first place. We offer our framework for that reason.

So rather than focusing on new beliefs he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old ones to continue creating his reality.

Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed.

He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and impatience) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old beliefs are creating.  Realities not matching what he wants.

Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions the way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.

Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old beliefs.

For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her.

That didn’t go well.

Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative beliefs about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior brings relief, people drink to numb the emotion.

But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to beliefs. That momentum draws to it beliefs like it. Beliefs are living things. Not just words. Beliefs like company. They draw to themselves beliefs like themselves. That’s how Belief Constellations happen.

That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.

Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s beliefs. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.

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What do I mean by that?

I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his beliefs create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.

To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.

• • •

By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.

One day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.

Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.

That belief can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.

Joe left session nine pretty negative.

If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His beliefs are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in how beliefs create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own living laboratory how beliefs do that.

He’s not happy about that.

But this is the process. It’s how it works.

I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his beliefs about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.

Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his beliefs as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his beliefs have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other belief he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.

And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living laboratory, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so they become beliefs. When that happens, one’s reality changes to match the new stories.

Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.

Including their ideal partner.

Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.

How To Create Your Perfect Relationship In No Time, Pt. 1

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In only six sessions learning the Positively Focused approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal woman.

In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.

Joe (not his real name), contacted us through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a specific kind of woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.

But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.

Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him the next step was worth the money. So he engaged us in our 1:1 offer.

• • •

The first few sessions involved exploring beliefs producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls late at night or in early morning dark hours.

Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like crap. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of beliefs about relationships and life, and women too. About himself too.

We explored how his beliefs create these experiences. Joe realized beliefs he didn’t know he had. Beliefs triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same beliefs creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.

Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Beliefs triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. That belief is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”

• • •

I know how deep beliefs can be. They connect with other beliefs, creating Belief Constellations or weaving through and shaping life experience.

It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.

No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.

At Positively Focused, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.

Beliefs create our reality. This includes beliefs we focus on before becoming human. These beliefs set up birth circumstances. Including the parents we are born to.

I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.

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I know when you pull at one belief, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running beliefs. Beliefs about his unworthiness as a person. Beliefs about how the women he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Beliefs about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.

In other words, beliefs a lot of humanity secretly shares. Some beliefs you may share.

What’s great about this work is, once beliefs get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new beliefs get born from that exposure. Those new beliefs can create explosive positive results.

That’s what happened to Joe.

• • •

Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets women at night.

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“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”

I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their beliefs. But I was also concerned about Joe.

That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old beliefs are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own beliefs. Beliefs matching Joe’s. Beliefs she may not be aware of.

So I clued him in:

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Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”

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Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.

“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”

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Joe added that he already can see how his beliefs about women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”

Indeed.

I know the Positively Focused approach is not mainstream. That’s why Positively Focused  guarantees results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your beliefs so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.

But so is everything else you’ve wanted in life. Minus the struggle. Minus the sacrifice.

The Best Relationship Gives Constant Freedom, Joy and Happiness

I’ve found the best relationship fosters the greatest freedom. The best relationship therefore is the one I have with me. My Personal Trinity.

Relationships with other people can’t match it.

But when I prioritize my relationship with my Inner Being, all other relationships get better. Or they disappear from my life experience. Or they’re replaced by better versions of themselves.

It’s hard describing with accuracy how great my relationship with me feels. Like the feeling of love or bliss, it defies description.

I know the benefits I get when I prioritize my relationship with me are far more valuable than those I get when I prioritize relationships with other people.

I can say prioritizing my Inner Being relationship required owning parts of me I avoided. Like how powerful I am. Like knowing I created the life experience I’ve had, including the people in it. And knowing I can create any reality I want. No matter my current reality.

It also required accepting other parts of me. Authentic parts. Accepting them fully.

  • That I prefer being free. Meaning, preferring something other than constraints marriage brings.
  • That I find transgender women smart, beautiful and extraordinary.
  • That the mainstream binary spectrum doesn’t define me.

Making my relationship with me my priority blew up my marriage. That’s right. I knew for a while it was coming. It was not ever intending to last. It was temporary as all things are. She filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I’m sure it’s final now. We’re both moving forward. And that’s great. It was a learning experience for both parties.

I know divorce happened because my relationship with me became more important than my marriage. Examined from a Positively Focused perspective my marriage played its part in my unmarriedness.

It offered so much authenticity I realized what I wanted. And marriage was not it.

I also realized how deep, fulfilling and rewarding my relationship with me is. So marriage served a glorious purpose.

As all life experience does.

My new, post-marriage life already has brought monumental evidence. Evidence supporting prioritizing my me/me relationship. It comes like a slow motion avalanche. In quantities sufficient to astound but not overwhelm.

  • I manifested paying work as soon as I needed it
  • I manifested an awesome living place. It’s beautifully furnished and owned by landlords aligned with Positive Focus.
  • I live within biking distance of every grocer I like shopping at. I’m also walking distance to many places I enjoy visiting. Including parks, water spots, and tea shops.
  • I have all I need to move forward with my projects including my 1:1 Spiritual Mentoring. There’s ample space to make videos, and blazing fast internet (included in the rent). Most of my mentoring I do online.
  • And, several people, bringing differing levels of intimacy have replaced my marriage. That’s a far better fit to what and who I am than being tied to one person.

I know beliefs I hold create my life experience. The more Positively Focused I become the better my life goes.

When it comes to people relationships, Seth describes what happens when a person makes their me/me relationship a top priority:

People with like ideas reinforce each other’s beliefs. You may meet with some misunderstanding when you suddenly decide to change your reality by changing your beliefs—according to the circumstances, you may be going in a completely different direction than [your spouse]. The others may feel it necessary to defend ideas that both of you previously took for granted. In such cases your beliefs merged. Each individual has his or her own ideas about reality for reasons that seem valid. Needs are met. When you abruptly change your beliefs, then in the [marriage] you no longer have the same position—you are not playing that game any longer…you may suddenly cease to provide for [your spouse] a need that you satisfied earlier. This affects both intimate behavior and, say, social interactions. Others, sharing your new beliefs, will gravitate toward you and you to them.

The quote is playing out in my life.

· · ·

One belief we humans share is relationships with other people complete us somehow. Like without a relationship, we’re not whole.

It’s a strong belief.

What I’ve learned is, that yearning is real.

But as I try filling it with another person I’m asking for trouble. Because people aren’t here to satisfy that yearning. They have their own path. Their own experience. Their own reality.

That yearning is natural. It’s normal. And it’s meant to direct me to the relationship that brings everything I want. Including, ironically, fulfilling relationships with other people.

That relationship is the one I have with my Broader Perspective.

I prioritize that relationship because my Inner Being not only knows what I want. It knows the “where” the “when” and the “how” to get those things. That leaves me worry-free. It leaves me not needing any of those answers about anything I want.

When I follow my intuition, which is how my Inner Being communicates, I get those things. It handles the “where” the “when” and the “how”.

My job: finding ways to synchronize with my Inner Being focus. When I do that, what I want happens in delightful ways, yes. But also with little effort, struggle and sacrifice.

When I’m not synchronized with my Inner Being, life happens how it does for most people. With a lot of blame, judgement, demanding, frustration, annoyance, impatience, pain, hard work, struggle, sacrifice, anxiety and more. Absent all that, I find continual freedom, joy and happiness.

And, yes, everything else I want too. Including great relationships, and material things, including money.

I think it’s worth giving up yearning for human relationships.

Besides, what human-to-human relationship can match what my Inner Being brings? When I get that relationship right, right relationships come into my life.

That’s why I call my relationship with my Inner Being the best relationship.

Because it is.

How To Find Your Perfect Partner

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You can have anything you want. Just realize how things happen in life, then follow that process.

A lot of people look for love in relationship. For many, that is illusive. But relationships, like everything else, are easy to get. So is love.

 

Everything Is Yours

You can have love you want with no effort on your part. Hard work is overrated. Especially in relationships. Digging through online profiles, going to bars and trying to find Mr. or Ms. “right” by swiping left, right or whatever are unnecessary steps.

By relaxing, having fun and enjoying life, you don’t have to do those things. Everything you want comes easily.

A friend of Perry’s wife demonstrated this over the last two years.  That she had no idea it was happening shows how easy it happens.

Following explains how the process works. After that, we’ll tell Susan’s story, which shows how the process worked for her. Along the way, we’ll clarify points you should know so you too can produce similar results.

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Getting everything you want is easy. Here’s how:

  1. Come to accept what you have. No matter how bad you think it may be, you have to find a way to accept it. More than that, you have to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not feel this way, but your current situation is working out in your best interest. That attitude makes you positively focused. Stay negatively focused – complaining, talking about or getting angry about what you have – and you get more of what you have.
  2. Pay attention to thoughts you receive that you aren’t thinking. Often, you receive thoughts you didn’t think. They feel like intrusions in your ordinary awareness. These are messages sent by your Larger Self. They come as suggestions, ideas, gut feelings.
  3. Follow the suggestion, ideas, gut feelings. Intrusive thoughts are inspirations. You’re supposed to follow them. It’s ok if you don’t, but if you do, life becomes far more interesting, spontaneous, fun and easy.
  4. Practice being happy as often as you can. By doing so you tell your reality that you want more happy experiences. Inspiration comes easier too.
  5. Even if you don’t do these five steps, you’ll end up using the process because it’s built-in to living. It literally is “life”.

Like we said, Susan is not aware of this process (Step five) yet it still worked for her. That means it can work for you. More so if used deliberately. So now, let’s overlay these steps on Susan’s experiences so you can see how they work in practice instead of just theory.

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Artwork by the author

It began with a crappy marriage

Susan had been married many years. That marriage was crappy by Susan’s admission. Her divorce was even worse. Contentious and frustrating, it ended with her “wasband” getting the better deal. That’s because she was the “breadwinner”.

Every negative experience serves the experiencer. So, every negative experience in the end is positive. Susan’s crappy marriage helped her figure out what she wanted.

For one, she realized she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she lived in the same house with someone else. In other words, she enjoyed living alone, having her own space, not having someone always around, but also being in relationship.

That’s good to know when looking for a partner.

All through the divorce, Susan criticized her “wasband”. She complained about the divorce process, her lawyers, his lawyers. The more she complained, the more she had to complain about. Her ex fought her more and more.

He started doing vindictive things. Like slashing her tires and manipulating ways to keep her from their dogs. Perfect examples of Step One.

From time to time Perry’s wife told Susan about this process. Like many people though, Susan preferred experiential learning. She doesn’t like being told what to do.

Neither does Perry’s wife. 🙄

Soon Susan stopped complaining as much. She got tired of it. By the time her divorce was finished, she accepted the process. Step One: check.

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Artwork by the author

Inspiration Creates Evidence of “Better”

What Susan didn’t know was, her experiences with “wasband” helped her know things she wouldn’t have known had she not gone through them.

She knew she didn’t want another marriage. She knew she wanted her autonomy. And she knew what kind of relationship she wanted: one without the intertwined aspects of traditional relationships.

It was no surprise then what happened next.

A friend she knew when married turned into a boyfriend. Let’s call him Jake. Jake wasn’t a long-term perfect fit. But he was perfect for now. Meaning: he offered sexual intimacy, occasional company, friendship. Someone to hang out with, without commitment. Jake was also a known-entity. They knew each other for years. So it was easy to turn that friendship into more.

Jake was and is polyamorous. He was seeing other women. He didn’t tell Susan this until six months into their two-year relationship. Jake subscribes to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship policy.

“If you don’t ask, I’m not going to tell you,” he says. Which is fine, if the other person knows this.

Susan didn’t know this. By the time she found out, she wasn’t happy about it.

She told Perry’s wife she really didn’t want to be in an open relationship. She didn’t like feeling “second fiddle” to who-knows-how-many other women who might be in Jake’s life.

But by the time she found out, it was too late. She had feelings for Jake.

There was more to Jake than Susan realized. Jake is fiercely independent, wicked smart, adventurous and a talented agitator/activist. He likes being his own person.

“I never ask people for anything,” he recently told Perry over tea. “Even if I have to go to a hospital. I’ll find a way to make it myself.”

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That independence spills into his relationships. Jake thrives in relationships he controls. No wonder he prefers polyamory. Multiple opportunities foster independence.

Jake’s independence tinted his relationship with Susan too. He decides when she could come over. He decides when he comes to her house. If he has a date with someone else, he is not available. In many respects, Susan’s access to Jake was at Jake’s discretion.

That worked great for Susan for a while. In time, though, she resented this. She felt the relationship was going one way: Jake’s way.

In Susan’s words recently: “I thought I’d like this non-monogamy thing a bit better if I were to participate in it fully.”

So she decided to do something. A “good for the goose” thing.

What she before resisted, she now was warming up to. So much so she too sought extra partners.

One day she got an idea: a profile on OKCupid. Step two: check!

“In retrospect, I did it shortly after discovering that [Jake] had another lover…” Susan said.

Meanwhile, Susan fell in love with Jake. Jake was in love too. What Susan at first tolerated now she enjoyed. Even given the imbalance. Step One again.

She enjoyed her freedom, her autonomy. She now liked Jake having options. And she looked forward to having her own options. Men she could see occasionally and casually too.

city blog
Your reality is literally a piece of art. What are you creating? (artwork by the author)

Your Reality Is Under Your Control

You get what you’re ready for. The problem is, you’re never ready for something different than what you have, until you accept what you have. If you’re not happy with what you have, you can’t get what you want because you’re not ready for what you want. You’re complaining about what you have.

People think they know what happiness is. Happiness is not something that comes after getting what you want. Well, it does happen that way.

But it’s meant to be something you feel no matter what you’re experiencing. That’s because everything you experience serves your fulfillment. Yes, even what looks like negative experiences.

suffering
Suffering is necessary until it’s not. So it is not a “fact” of life. (Pinterest)

When you figure that out, your life is your conscious design. This unconditional happiness is your painter’s palette. Because when you’re happy, no matter what you have, you are ready for having what matches how you feel, AKA your life’s masterpiece.

Making Room For Even More “Better”

As Susan found herself mostly happy in her open relationship, she made room in her life for more of what she wanted. That created what happened next.

For a while nothing significant happened on OKC. She says she met three guys. She enjoyed meeting them. Otherwise, She said, the process was “drudgery”.

This is why we don’t support using dating websites. They can work. But they frequently don’t. In the meantime, they conjure too much negativity (frustration, impatience i.e. resistance to what is). That stretches out the time it takes to get what you want. It’s far better to be happy, enjoy your life and follow your intuition. Meeting your match that way is a happy, natural, surprising and enjoyable process.

Online dating for most people isn’t happy, natural or enjoyable.

Like many people though, Susan learned to accept the drudgery. Again, Step One.

That’s when one profile “stood out,” she said. “OKC estimated 99% compatibility, and I liked his photos and what he’d written.”

She was referring to this guy Susan brought to a small friends gathering. Let’s call him Carl.

They had almost everything in common. They finished each others’ sentences…laughed at the same things…it was like they had been together for years.

Carl wanted a monogamous relationship from the get-go. He said so in his profile. Susan’s profile didn’t say that. But Carl liked what Susan offered so much, he compromised.

This happens a lot. Insecure people compromise their ideas because they think they need to to get what they want.

That’s never the case. But impatience is a powerful thing. As is insecurity. When people can’t be patient they compromise. In compromising, the path leading to what they really want lengthens.

It’s not a problem because every experience is helpful. You’re also eternal, so you have plenty of lifetimes to get what you want. But if you exercise patience and follow the process above, what you want comes faster.

Time for a mental health break:

Susan Finds Freedom In Openness

Welcome back.

Carl fell in love with Susan instantly, he says. And why not? She’s lovable!

Interestingly, Carl’s relationship behaviors contrasted Jake’s. Some would say this was coincidence. But it wasn’t. It resulted from everything Susan experienced up to then.

Carl wanted collaboration in relationship. While he didn’t like so much sharing Susan with others, he didn’t resist it. Not at first. Meanwhile, Jake got more controlling when he found out Susan had another lover. His insecurities, dormant while he controlled the relationship, now surfaced. This was a good thing. His insecurities invited everyone involved to become better versions of themselves. Carl included!

For example, both men had toothbrushes in Susan’s bathroom. Jake’s was in the toothbrush holder. Carl’s in the drawer. Carl imagined (rightly) Susan was hiding from Jake the fact that Carl sometimes spent the night. That chafed Carl.

Carl’s feelings were petty. So were Susan’s intentions. Susan was trying to protect Jake. To keep from triggering Jake’s insecurities. That strategy backfired. It only made both men more insecure and her frustrated.

She found both men’s insecurities unattractive. But she also enjoyed it. Through something she initially didn’t like at first (an open relationship), Susan found empowerment and freedom and choice and options.

In other words: Everything her marriage didn’t offer.

 

Insecurity Boils Over

One night Carl put his foot down.

He said he wanted monogamy with Susan. That surprised her. She had been clear from day one that’s not what she wanted. One day, Perry’s wife reminded Susan that two years ago a monogamous relationship was exactly what she wanted.

But Susan grew happy with her current situation (being in an open relationship). That’s step one. She missed step two, but the process still worked because she followed her inspiration posting an OKCupid profile (Step three).

And now she faced a new reality. One she wanted two years ago. Carl represented a great match: intellectually, physically and more. They really liked each other too.

Susan didn’t remember wanting monogamy two years ago. And yet, here she was, getting everything she wanted. Freedom. Choice. Two good men who both loved her, that she both loved. And an opportunity for monogamy.

Susan Got Everything, And Then Some. So Can You.

Intrigued with Carl’s request, she told Jake. Jake got even more insecure. Angry in fact that Susan was considering a monogamous relationship with someone else. Of course, he didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. He wanted what he had: his cake (Susan) and the opportunity to eat other cake.

But let’s look at what Susan created. In two years her life matched every desire she wanted.

  • She put her marriage behind her
  • She found a relationship that worked immediately after the divorce
  • That relationship brought interesting experiences, growth, adventure
  • She followed her inspiration
  • That lead to meeting Carl, a perfect match
  • Now she has not only an open relationship, but an opportunity for a closed one too!

In other words, Susan is getting everything she wants. And then some. Even though she didn’t realize what was happening.

Like we say, the process works for everyone. Even those unaware of it.

· · ·

Today, Susan is negotiating the best of both worlds. She loves both Carl and Jake. Both represent different desires she’s had over two years. Both men love her. Both offer different things. In other words, Susan is enjoying her love life as it brings her plenty of pleasure, adventure, love and more.

You can have your version of the same thing: plentiful experiences where what you want comes easily. It all starts with realizing you have a larger you from which to live your life. Then finding ways that connect you to that.

Life doesn’t have to be hard or a struggle. Love doesn’t either. And neither is, when you follow life’s really simple process.

When will you start?