Vulnerability Is A Myth, We’re Better Off Without It.

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem the author says. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower us?

In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.

Why humans vaunt vulnerability

Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. We praise it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it can be terrifying.

But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:

So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do people vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.

It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?

Rejection inherent in vulnerability

The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.

But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.

In other words, the myth of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, for example, and the whole calculus changes.

What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.

That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.”

So let’s unpack that.

Our thoughts make it so

In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a simple reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.

What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.

Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.

We can see, then, the act of rejection isn’t bad, instead it’s what we think of it that makes it bad. The same is true for being vulnerable. It’s the thought about being vulnerable that makes it so scary. Our thoughts about it make being vulnerable a vaunted thing as well.

As we say all day every day here at Positively Focused, our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.

Preferring rejection

Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain by being that way, I would suggest many more people would be authentic.

Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.

Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of thoughts around authenticity so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.

That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.

So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.

Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)

Finding power in changed belief

Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad: rejection. From the Positively Focused perspective, however, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs.

If that’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. And that explains why so many fear being vulnerable. It also explains why it feels scary.

Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.

Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.

Beliefs matter…a lot

So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.

The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.

In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a myth. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.

And if that relationship matches what we want, is risk needed? I don’t think so.

Rather than experience risk and fear at being vulnerable, I suggest we give up this myth. Let’s replace it with something better. Something like knowing we create our reality. And the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships.

By “true” I mean being positive, happy and easy. Easy with ourselves and easy with others, so that we create an easy life. One in which we can be ourselves. An in doing that have everything we want.

How I Create My Ideal Other People

Being Positively Focused is a lot like being a Jedi in real life. I create my ideal versions of other people who then give me what I want when they realize what I want is what they want.

Nutshelling it: When I work through my Broader Perspective, my Inner Being talks to their Inner Being so that what I want occurs to them as what they want too.

A true story showing how this works.

I live in a house I share with three others. When I first moved in, the other three people were quiet and kept to themselves. The landlord showed me my space, “the basement suite” they called it.

Of course, it was perfect. It represented a fulfilled desire coming in perfect timing, as I wanted a new, quiet living space after my ex and I split.

Over several months these original three housemates moved out. Three new people replaced them. People I didn’t enjoy as housemates.

The first was a party boy. He enjoyed drinking, playing loud music and having people over for loud conversations.

The next person was an “adult child”. He had family of origin issues that showed up as screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason, using other people’s property without asking, getting offended at the slightest provocation and not cleaning up after himself. Oh, he also peed in the backyard!

The third person was even worse. He was an Adult Child of Alcoholics, muttered to himself and didn’t respect the landlord’s established norms for living there.

His replacement oddly enough, expected others to clean up behind him. He left things all over the house, let his food get moldy in the fridge, and would leave dishes and utensils on the front porch instead of taking them to the kitchen and washing them.

What’s interesting was each of these people reflected a dimension of my ex. While living with her I developed strong co-creative momentum with her. So strong a momentum, housemates who moved in after I did reflected that momentum. In other words, my Moment of Becoming and momentum brought housemates after me matching experiences I had with my ex.

My ex is from a family of alcoholics. Slight provocations triggered her too. She enjoyed playing her music loud while ignoring other people’s interests. Occasionally she cleaned up behind herself, but often would leave things right where she had them last. I tried a lot of things to change her (not a good idea at all I realize now). All my attempts made things worse.

I’m happier no longer there.

Obviously though my Belief Constellation still included thoughts about her. I know this because each house mate brought experiences and behaviors matching my ex, or rather matching beliefs I still had active about my ex. Were my experiences with my ex less active in my Belief Constellation, different people would show up. These new housemates were not random coincidence.

I know everything in my reality reflects back to me Belief Constellation content. That’s helpful knowing because I can do something with that knowledge. Not knowing what I know, life seems random and separate. It never is though. My thoughts and my reality always match.

So every housemate served me: Each showed me I still had beliefs worth changing. In changing them, I could get a better reality.

Before that though…

At first, I let myself get annoyed about my new housemates’ behaviors. I know emotional reactions are never about what’s happening in my physical reality, they’re always only about my connection with my Inner Being and that is all.

Saying “each new housemate was annoying” or “my new housemates made me annoyed” are complete, inaccurate distortions.

I also know what to do when I feel annoyance. I didn’t do that at first though.

At first I tried coaxing different behaviors out of them. I tried asking the slob to clean up after himself, which, of course, he refused. I asked the ACA dude to stick to the house norms. He told me to fuck off. I asked the party guy to be more quiet. He complained about me to the other housemates, which exacerbated my relationships with them. I asked the backyard pee-er to stop doing a lot of stuff. He got better, but still did things I didn’t like. The other housemates didn’t like it either.

Since direct action didn’t work, and my frustration was getting unbearable, I did the only thing under my control. I changed what I paid attention to, I let go, I surrendered.

It was a radical choice, an interesting sociological experiment. The only recent experience I had creating new people from existing people was with my ex. But that was indeliberate creation. Now, life presented me a huge learning opportunity: Learn to create people you want in life experience deliberately, it said.

So that’s what I did.

Surrender isn’t giving up. It’s realizing where power exists. Real effortless power comes through allowing Universe to bring me what I want instead of trying to make it happen myself.

People always reflect back to me what I believe. I’m creating them for my benefit. I know whatever thoughts I’m thinking that I’m ignoring for some reason will come clear through how people both show up and how they treat me. My expansion never ends, so learning opportunities never end either.

Life is best when I follow the inner knowing of my Broader Perspective. When doing that I realize people always reflect back to me my beliefs. (See the full illustrated post here).

So people in my life experience all are helpers, giving me feedback, as does everything else in my physical reality. This feedback tells me “Universe will bring me what I want when I let it.”

I let it through being Positively Focused.

I am feedback for others as well. With many years Positively Focused practice, I feel the pull of other people’s focus. Feeling that pull, sometimes it’s hard maintaining my own focus. I end up being someone less than I want to be. But I know when that happens, I’m matching that other person’s reality, and doing so, give them what they’re wanting to know, even if they don’t know that.

These days it’s easier being authentic, loving me while feeling others’ pulls. My Positively Focused practice has perpetual momentum now. Most of the time these days, I set the tone of an interaction. People shape to my pull instead of me shaping to theirs.

Not so when I was with my ex. Back then, when out in the world, I found it easy staying positive and excited about life. But then I’d come home and almost instantly feel my mood shift when I re-entered the persistent negative atmosphere she and I co-created.

I benefitted a ton from that marriage. She did too. For me, marriage helped me prioritize my Inner Being relationship. As a result, I’m living even more of a Charmed Life than I lived before.

I love how all relationships have that potential: they can amplify one’s focus on the one place unconditional love comes from: the relationship between one’s self and one’s Inner Being.

Things got interesting

So instead of trying to cajole my housemates into compliance, instead of trying to get them to stop doing what I didn’t like. I did what I show my clients: I focused instead on what I wanted. Then I let my Personal Trinity coordinate a new reality. One which included versions of my housemates that matched what I wanted.

What I wanted was a calm, quiet, peaceful place where people subordinated their behavior to the goals of a mutually beneficial, peaceful living space.

I knew, and know even more today, that through my Inner Being relationship, I can be, do and have anything I want. I knew I already created probable versions of my housemates, versions matching what I want. I knew my Inner Being held for me a living situation filled with such housemates.

My job: tune myself to that probable reality alive in my Belief Constellation, so it would emerge through my Moment of Becoming in to my physical reality.

Here’s what I did.

  • First I clarified in my mind what I wanted. I knew it was there in my belief constellation. I just had more momentum behind what I didn’t want (experiences similar to living with my ex) as a result of still thinking about my ex.
  • I thought thoughts about what it would look like living in my ideal living situation.
  • I thought about how my ideal housemates moved through the house and…
  • I thought about and focused on how peaceful, harmonious and quiet it was in my minds-eye version of my living situation.

By envisioning these, I knew I cued up that probable reality matching my ideal, my Charmed Life. But I needed something more. Something critical.

Early in Positively Focused practice, the practitioner strengthens their perceptive skills through feeling emotion. People feel emotions easier than vibration. Emotions let me know what vibration I’m tuned to. Vibration is early-stage manifestation. I needed to tune my vibration via my thoughts to my desired reality.

So while thinking about my ideal living situation, I focused more and more on how that situation felt. Then I amped up those feelings by focusing on them and riffing on emotions in the same vicinity:

  • It feels nice living in this ideal situation
  • It feels peaceful living here
  • It feels like harmony
  • It feels like peace
  • It feels satisfying
  • It feels like home
  • It feels joyful
  • It feels right
  • It feels good…

Next, I completely ignored what my current housemates did. When Slob left his dishes in the living room, or on the porch outside, I ignored it. When Family-of-origin peed in the backyard, or screamed “FUCK!” in the middle of the day, I ignored that too.

Then I took it up a notch. I ignored my housemates. Whenever they were in the common areas – the living room, the kitchen – I stayed in my room. If I was in the kitchen and one came in, I made sure I had my headphones in and listened to a podcast or music.

Then I amped it up further. This is a bit hard to explain. I lived in the house as though my ideal housemates already lived with me. I felt how good that felt. I reveled in their presence. I focused on how great the place would feel with them with me.

How I create other people in five easy steps.

Then awesome happened

The fist thing that happened was ACA moved out. Unbeknowst to me, he contacted the landlord saying he needed to move out ASAP. He said his counselor said living alone would be a better living situation for him.

Next, Slob and Family of Origin started getting on each others’ nerves. Family of Origin started enjoying the house being clean and tidy. He also improved around cleaning up after himself.

Problem (for him) was, Slob’s living habits started getting on his nerves. So Family of Origin pointed out more often things Slob was doing. Exasperated, Slob started looking for someplace else to live. In a month, he was gone!

Perhaps you’ve seen my pictures on my website, so you know I’m brown-skinned. All my housemates up to this point were of the dominant culture. So you can imagine my surprise when my landlord introduced me to ACA’s replacement, another person of color. Let’s call him Andre.

Not surprisingly, Andre told me and the landlord he was looking for a cleaner, quieter and more peaceful living situation, which was NOT where he lived before. He said he liked keeping to himself and was super-respectful. Having toured the house, he already recommended ideas on improving the living situation.

After he moved in, the whole character of the living situation changed. Andre shared a bathroom with Family of Origin and right away Andre put his foot down about how Family of Origin left hair all over the bathroom and hardly cleaned up after himself (I have my own bathroom).

Next the landlord introduced me, Family of Origin and Andre to Slob’s replacement, another person of color and a college student I’ll call Lorenzo. Like Andre, he expressed living in a respectful, quiet place because he’s studying full time from home. Lorenzo and Andre’s energy both transformed the house’s culture. Family of Origin mentioned feeling uncomfortable living with three people of color, this being the first time that ever happened.

Not long after Lorenzo moved in, I heard him and Family of Origin having a slightly tense conversation about race. I went upstairs to see what was up. They were discussing whether a person of color could be racist. It was an interesting conversation I joined with eagerness. It went well, but I could tell Family of Origin was struggling with his “white fragility”.

Within two months, Family of Origin moved out too. His replacement: a kind, peaceful, hard working woman I’ll call Cindy. Cindy and I hit it off right away. Today, we share meals, watch movies together and talk eagerly about our passions. She’s a great fit. So is Lorenzo and Andre too!

Lorenzo and Andre moved out, but two new housemates I’ll call Jeff and Tomiko moved in behind them. They both are wonderful, peaceful, respectful and quiet people. And one of them is transgender which hits close to home.

Epilogue:

What happened here?

Several things unfolded in perfect universal coordination. One, I realized how my current, unwanted reality clarified beliefs in my Belief Constellation I wanted cleaned up.

Next, I surrendered to the unwanted by accepting rather than pushing against those things.

Then I ignored all those things, including the people creating them. Instead of giving what I wanted changed attention, I put attention on future realities containing what I wanted.

Doing all this, I tuned myself so that my now gradually matched my desires. On the way to that, my Inner Being coordinated with Inner Being’s of my old housemates. Through that coordination their Inner Being’s gave them impulses they felt were right for them. They came to their conclusions that served them. Conclusions that served me too.

My Inner Being simultaneously coordinated with people who matched what I wanted, people whose desires matched what I wanted too, and inspired them to me. The result: new people in my living situation matched with my desire and thus, an ideal living space.

Creating people consistent with one’s desires is fairly advanced, but possible for everyone. Cultivating Positively Focused momentum makes available nonphysical connections we share with others. Those connections exist for our use. When Positively Focused, that use ultimately matches me with people consistent with and in agreement with what I want.

It feels like mind control, but it’s not. I feel like a Jedi, but that’s at best, a fable. What’s really happening is I’m drawing to me people wanting what I want, for their own personal reasons that match my own. I call that co-creation between people. It’s so fun!

Transform Your Husband Or Wife Without Their Involvement

Transform

This is a Positively Focused client. Like all of Positively Focused clients, he is getting immediate results in creating the relationship he wants. This is why I guarantee the process. It works.

My client is in a relationship with his son’s mother. Their relationship had been very rocky because our client was telling rocky stories about himself, about her and about his relationship. In three sessions, after cleaning up some of his unhelpful stories, his son’s mother started acting different. How? My client stepped into his Moment Of Becoming and created a new version of her.

In this clip, hear him settle into his reality-creation power. He creates people in his reality too, which is why his partner changes as well as his reality.

This client is now on his way to his dreams. He’s excited about the path and finds the work exhilarating, even while recognizing the work, in his words, can be a “blessing and a curse.”

I would say the work puts him where he belongs: at the center of the Universe, ongoingly creating the Universe that surrounds him. There, it does seem like a blessing…when  creating the Universe on purpose.

When not creating on purpose, as the client says here, it becomes curse. Or I could say life shows clients how not creating reality on purpose leads to unnecessary turbulence in reality-creation.

The more my clients discover the joy of living in connection with their Broader Perspectives the more they get what they want. Then, living lives in created realities they don’t want feels awful. But that’s good: How else are my clients supposed to know when they’re creating on purpose, or creating through obliviousness?

Find out more about my client services here.

How to keep your heart from breaking

No_More_Broken_Hearts 2
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.

Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?

Not necessarily.

No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.

My recent relationship taught me that. 😂 ❤️👍🏾

· · ·

Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.

Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.

But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.

I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.

For a while she appreciated all that.

Then it got too much for her.

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Relationships with other people get all the attention. The best relationship includes no one but you and you. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)

Relationships are nice-to-haves

I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.

As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.

There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.

So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love for me is enough. When it pores through me I become that. Pure love.

So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?

Good question.

Thoughts make reality

My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works.

When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.

Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.

In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from that fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.

Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.

Unchecked my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.

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Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.

Thoughts come from somewhere

Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.

Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.

So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.

That’s how it works.

I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.

Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.

So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.

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Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

 

Love happens best when alone

Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these in this blog.

Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.

Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.

This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.

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You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.

So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.

  • She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
  • She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
  • She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety.
  • She said our relationship would fail.

I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.

For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.

As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.

For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.

That’s what happened for me with Lauren. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?

It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.

Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.

Open relationships: the best path to the one best relationship

Open relationships best relationship
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.

Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.

Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.

I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.

Open relationships: either partner may want one

Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.

I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.

She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.

I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.

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Photo by @plqml on Unsplash

Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.

It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.

For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.

She said she knew we were a match regardless.

That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.

I see that now. You are on the same path.

• • •

Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.

A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.

Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.

Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.

That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.

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Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.

But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.

Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.

People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.

Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.

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Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

One way or another it’s going to happen

While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.

I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.

But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.

Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner BeingI haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.

The best relationship I could ever want

My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.

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Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.

What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.

I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.

These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.

Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!

What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.

Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.

I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.

Why? It’s not their job.

A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.

You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.

Which is why I started Positively Focused.

When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.

 

Bonus content:

After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”

The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.

Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.

The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.

Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.

If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.

Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.

Want to know more? Write me. 

How Others Happily Do What I Want

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It’s easy to get people to do what I want. Being Positively Focused is the key.

These two stories show what I mean.

I have a friend I’ll call Jeff. Lately he’s been involved with a guy he’s head-over-heels for. So he spends nearly all his free time with that guy.

One day I sent Jeff a text inviting him over. He texted back saying he was pretty busy and offered the following week. That never happened.

Two weeks later I was riding my bike to get groceries. On my way I thought about Jeff. Then, I thought how great it would be to see a super hero movie. It had been a while since I saw one.

A day after buying my groceries, I realized I “accidentally” left at the register a bag of mixed nuts I bought.  I called the store. They said the checker remembered me and invited me to come get a replacement. I told them I’d head that way, weather depending.

I was enjoying creating art for my projects that morning. I really didn’t want to go. But then I got a strong impulse to go. I try to immediately respond to strong impulses.

So I checked the weather. No rain until afternoon. I jumped on my bike and headed over.

On my way, I rode past Jeff’s home. His door upstairs was open, which I thought was strange because his car wasn’t there.

Then, guess who comes around the corner in his car. It’s Jeff! We greet and hug. He tells me he just broke up with his boyfriend. I told Jeff that was perfect because now he can hang out with me.

He laughed and said, “and yeah, maybe we can go see a movie too. I hear that new Joker is really great. We should go this Sunday!”

See the connection? Just the other day I thought how cool it would be to see another comic book movie and here Jeff is suggesting we go to one. And, since “accidentally” forgot some nuts, I was able to connect with him in perfect timing, in person! How cool is that?

· · ·

I’m learning to interpret impulses I get as open doors. I don’t have to walk through. When I do, though, life delivers all kinds of surprises.

The week comes to an end. I haven’t been thinking about Jeff, or the movie he suggested we go see. But on Friday I heard a movie review. The movie stars Brad Pitt. It’s called Ad Astra. It sounded good.

I thought about Jeff and our Sunday plans. Then I thought, “I’d rather see Ad Astra than Joker.”

Sunday morning comes. I wake to wonderful dreams, enjoy a deep meditation and do a dream analysis. Then I prepare for my day using my Positively Focused framework.

I need next week’s groceries, so I check the weather. There’s a 90-minute rain-free window that comes…and goes.

I miss it.

So I put on my rain gear, take out my bike and head to get next week’s groceries.

Now, I know I’m in in tune with the Universe because of  what happens in my moment-by-moment life experience. When I’m in tune, the weather cooperates. People are friendly and generous.

Just before I head out, the rain stops. When I get to the store, I meet all kinds of friendly people. I have great conversations with other customers. Store employees are helpful and conversant. Pleasant too.

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A continuous stream of happy people coming into my life indicates a strong connection with my Inner Being and the Universe.  (My illustration)

I know I’m in a great Positively Focused place. So it was no surprise what happened next.

I get a text message. It’s from Jeff. It says: “what do you think about seeing Ad Astra?”

Of course the story doesn’t end there. We ended up going to the movie and having a great time.

· · ·

This next experience came six months later. The more I’m Positively Focused the gap between one seemingly magical event and the next narrows. These days, magical things happen near-constantly. Only it’s not magic. The universe want’s all of us to have what we want.

The more I tune into universal frequencies, the more things I want happen with no effort. Including people acting in ways I’d prefer.

I’ve said in previous posts I ride my bike to and from work. I like riding my bike, even in cold weather. It’s a great workout. The trip takes about 30 minutes.

But it’s late fall, early winter. It’s getting really cold and rainy. I have the right riding equipment. So I’m comfortable, but one day I wondered about how it would be when temperatures dip below freezing.

One night at the end of my shift, I had a thought. It said “Diane is going to offer to drive me home tonight.” Diane is another delivery driver.

When she drives home each night, she drives right by my house. I’ve never asked her for a ride because I like riding my bike. But this night, I had this thought.

When I got this thought, I let it sit there. I didn’t think about it any more than it was: a passing thought. But I imagined how nice it would be riding home in a warm car…

I clocked out. Then Diane came in. She clocked out, turned to me and said “let me take you home tonight. I’m worried about you riding home in the dark, at night, in the rain.”

I wasn’t surprised. I knew this was going to happen. When it happened, that’s what it felt like. That it was going to happen.

The next several weeks rain fell heavy. Winds blew hard and it was really cold. It’s like Diane knew the future.

Not only did Diane offer to drive me home. When we got to my house, she offered to pick me up the next day too.

Every day since then, we’ve been carpooling to and from work. I didn’t have to ask. It just happened.

I’m starting to interpret some thoughts as precognition. My Inner Being told me it was going to happen. Then it happened.

· · ·

A manifestation, no matter how amazing, always contains seeds for the next manifestation. Life is always getting better for a Positively Focused person. So even when something really cool happens, life says “hold my beer” and tops it. What happens next demonstrates that.

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I was enjoying riding to and from work with Diane. We became friends. But Diane has a story about money related to her family. Right now she’s the main bread winner as her husband is in school learning to become a teacher. Diane believes she must maximize her income as the bread winner.

What that means is, every evening, Diane would hang out at the van lot, or at the station and stretch out her shift to earn extra hourly time. I didn’t like that very much. I preferred to get home asap so I can write blogs like this one, draw or do other things.

While I didn’t like what was happening I didn’t try doing anything about it. I didn’t talk to Diane about it. I didn’t complain. Instead I considered the positives: being driven home. Not biking in the cold rain…

Honestly, though, there were times when I complained to myself a little. Sometimes I debated whether or not I should go back to riding my bike. I thought how nice it used to be getting home before 9 p.m.

Commuting by car was nice too though.

Then one morning when Diane picked me up, she said she needed to finish right when our shift ended. She said she planned to take her daughter out for her birthday. We finished right on time that night and got home early.

That felt nice.

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Diane and I coordinating so we get off right at the end of our shift.

The next day I asked her how the birthday event was. Then I said “it was nice to get home early. Wasn’t it?”

She agreed.

 

Then, the following day, Diane told me that her husband asked why was she was coming home so late all the time. He reminded her they were doing fine financially. There was no reason, he said, for her to work extra time each shift.

It’s interesting how that conversation happened. I had nothing to do with it. And yet at the same time, I knew my Inner Being’s hands (if it had hands) were all over this.

So when Diane told me what her husband said, I just said very casually how nice it would feel to come home early every night.

From that day forward, we always left no later than 15 minutes after our shift. That was nice! Because of that, I got home 15 minutes earlier than had I took my bike.

I can tell Diane likes coming home early. I’m sure her husband does too.

Both these stories show how intending rather than trying to control people creates my reality. The more Positively Focused I get, the more life just starts working this way. Things happen literally with no effort on my part.

And the fact that I recognize it when it happens delights the Universe. And that makes the Universe want to deliver more such experiences. That’s the upward spiral I referred to in earlier posts. The better it gets, the better it gets.

It’s easy to get people to do what you want. The key is lining up with the leverage of the Universe. I do that by being Positively Focused.

When I’m Positively Focused, the Universe does all the work. Things I want come easily. Often they come through other people. When it happens this way, the people are more than willing to do what I want because doing it is in their best interest too.

And that’s the easiest way to have other people do what you want: let the Universe make it happen for you.

The Key To Easily Creating My Best Future Nows

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I know my stories and beliefs about the world create the world. I also know my stories and beliefs are right there, in the forefront of my conscious mind. So it’s easy to see what my future is going to be. I only need to think about what I’m thinking, and believing. And saying.

Soothing thoughts creating realities I don’t want is precious. It’s precious because that’s how I create desired reality.

For example, I know it’s not a given that certain conversations about things have to be tough. There are infinite versions of such conversations in nonphysical representing probable and alternate versions of said conversations.

The conversation has already happened. The question is, which version am I drawing into my experience?

There are versions where such conversations turn into arguments. Versions where they become fist-fights. And there are versions where they’re pleasant, easy and productive too.

The conversation can be hard. But it can be easy too. And fun!

That’s how I want them to be. Pleasant, easy, productive.

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The key to creating realities I want instead of ones I don’t is understanding the “Moment of Becoming” (MOB). Then drawing the desired reality I want through that so it becomes my life experience.

How do I do that? I do that through deliberate thinking and feeling.

That’s easy (with practice).

• • •

Every event, every thing, every interaction began first as a thought. The vast majority of events, things and interactions happen with little conscious attention to how they become.

That’s because Humans aren’t aware of what you’re reading. They’re literally overcome with “reality stimulation”.

So they create their individual and collective life experiences without their conscious participation. Which is why so many get the life experiences they have.

I know it is possible to create events, things and interactions on purpose. The way I want them to happen. I know I can create people the same way. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m learning more how to do.

I know, and you know, reality can be created on purpose.  Things like inventions, art and such happen like so. Especially things we buy. Creators of those things go through a creation process not too dissimilar from the one creating reality. Those creations are reality.

I know the same process works for my personal life experience. Everything else too. This personal experience is how I’m practicing making “creating” a regular part of my life experience in this time-space reality. While at the same time refining my creative prowess in other dimensions. Including nonphysical.

Imagine what life can be like when I’m creating on purpose and it unfolds as I’ve intended! It’s happening more and more already.

That’s why I’m excited about life more and more. And more Positively Focused too. The more Positively Focused I am the more life creates according to my purpose.

The more that happens the more thrilled I get. I want to have more. So I get even MORE Positively Focused. Then life gets MORE like how I want it. So I want even more…

It’s the best positive feedback loop ever!

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The positive feedback look that is my waking reality.

Ok…Back to conversations…it’s a great example of how to be Positively Focused.

• • •

Last night my housemates came home well after 10 p.m. Ten begins the “quiet hours” of the day here at the house.

But they weren’t quiet. They had been out drinking and were loud. I had gone to bed at 11 p.m. I woke to their noise. At first I was irritated and annoyed.

My first thoughts were negative about the experience. They’re what I call Thought-Reactions.

  • Ugh, they’re so loud
  • I hope this isn’t going to be a normal thing
  • Don’t they know it’s the quiet hour?
  • I’m going to have to talk with them about this.
  • Ugh, I bet that conversation will not go well

But then I noticed the emotions “irritation” and “annoyance” for what they are.

I knew those emotions meant I wasn’t seeing this experience the way I see it from my Broader Consciousness. Another way of putting that: I was seeing this situation through my old beliefs/stories, rather than beliefs/stories supporting my desired future reality. Emotions I felt were telling me my focus was creating not on purpose.

So I sat in bed, and started thinking different thoughts. I literally made them up, which is what creation is.

I thought thoughts consistent with future experiences I want to have with my housemates.

All future experiences exist right now, alongside the present moment, in the Moment of Becoming as all things do, including probable and alternate pasts, presents and futures. So having them become my reality is a simple process of aligning my thoughts and beliefs so they’re consistent with the reality I want to have.

Here’s how I did that.

First, I thought thoughts that soothed old thoughts I had about my housemates. I could be brief because I caught the momentum early:

  • I can tell hey had a good time
  • I’m glad they enjoyed themselves
  • They’re not always this way…

Then I turned my attention to thoughts about me and what I want:

  • This is a great opportunity
  • I’m glad I’m having this experience
  • It’s giving me an opportunity to practice what I preach 😌
  • I enjoy seeing that this is actually a positive experience
  • Without this experience, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to practice!
  • I love practicing creating reality!
  • I love seeing this practice create positive results!
  • This is a great opportunity I’m giving myself!

Pay attention to what you’re feeling as you read each statement set. As you do, maybe you’ll feel the subtle but real energetic difference between the thoughts. Which thoughts feel better?

Thoughts draw to themselves thoughts like them. All thoughts want to express the fullest version of themselves…right into physical reality. That’s why inventors, artists, writers, etc., get inspiration. An idea “grows” in nonphysical. It’s seeking its full spiritual expression which is physical expression. When it gets to a certain point, it draws to it physical circumstances most likely matching its desire.

Voila! A great invention, work of art or masterpiece! Or a conversation aligned with the creator’s intent.

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It’s how reality happens! An accumulation of “thought” energy sufficient enough to move that energy “forward” into physical expression.

So I know this work at 1 a.m. last night was valuable work.

And doesn’t that mean that my housemates arrival and loudness also was valuable?

Their coming in late catalyzed opportunity to create new future experiences while simultaneously changing past experiences.

Similar past experiences in which I created that first set of negative Thought-Reactions.

It would be easy as I write this to think of past experiences like this one where I felt annoyed and irritated.

Instead of thinking about them now, I’m thinking about that probable future.

The future that I’m creating. The future I want. Where I have a conversation with them that’s light, fun, happy and productive.

And I’m adjusting thoughts and beliefs about that conversation. How it’s going to go. More important: How I’ll feel in it.

Then I’m focusing on those emotions: vibrant, alive, eager, happy, positive, influential, encouraging… As I do, new thoughts come to mind. Images too.

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Thoughts and images about how to communicate with them, what the conversation looks like. How fun it will be. How we’ll joke and laugh about it all.

I know that when I’m creating reality, the right combination of thinking (telling stories), beliefs (stories with a lot of momentum behind them) and emotion is key.  Editing stories and beliefs, which means catching myself when thinking beliefs that create my reality, then changing them by creating preferred stories/thoughts/beliefs that will create my desired reality, is the first step. Sometimes it’s easier pinning the emotion. Beliefs sometimes seem hidden.

I’ll get to that.

Next, turning my attention to emotions which come up as I tell the new stories focuses/amplifies the inexhaustible energy that is what I am. It puts that energy into motion.

That forward motion draws energy like it. In time, so long as I’m aligned with that energy, what I desire must be.

Because all ideas seek their fullest expression. And their fullest expression in this-time space reality is physical.

This is the way a reality creator creates.

• • •

Consider the movie business. A movie producer/director begins first with the idea. Then imagines it expanding into more. Then she writes it down. She creates a script or screenplay. Then she assembles her team and equipment to make it.

The tangibles – the team, the actors, the equipment, and the actual ready-to-view movie, come after the idea is well under way.

She doesn’t start with a finished physical movie, then try to adjust the characters, the scenery, give crew direction, write the script, the camera angles the lighting, etc., after the movie is already made!

That’s what Humans do though. Instead of working with that which creates their reality (their thoughts and beliefs) they try changing the movie itself (the reality they experience).

A producer starts first with an idea.

In the same way, I know I create my reality. I’m most effective when I plan my moments in advance.

My tangibles are thoughts/beliefs/emotions. They are my connection to my Broader Consciousness flowing in nonphysical and always focused on orchestrating what I’m wanting.

My Broader Consciousness delivers what I want in wonderful ways. It is my production crew. And it’s top notch. There’s no movie it can’t create for me. Just look at my dreams!

My Broader Consciousness is me. My Broader Consciousness is my extended self. Too big to fit in physical reality and yet always there focused on me because it is me! And it loves what I’m doing here. Always!

In the same way a movie producer begins with an idea, I know I create reality the same way.

I start first with an idea. Energizing it with thought momentum combined with the powerful energy of my emotions. Then I wait for the right inspiration to act.

Acting or actions aren’t the way things happen. The “happen” has already happened. Acts are the path through which I rendezvous with that which has happened. 

⬆️⬆️ That paragraph is worth re-reading. ⬆️⬆️

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Beliefs/stories are always available in consciousness. They are not buried in some “subconscious” or “ego” or some other hidden place as psychology would advise.

Beliefs/stories only look invisible when they’ve become so active they do two things: 1. They stop being in my awareness because they have become “true” for me. 2. They’ve moved so far forward into expression that they stop being beliefs and show up as my reality!

In other words they ARE true for me. So true I can see them, touch them, feel them. Hear them. Experience them.

By focusing on how I feel in any given moment, I’m aware of the reality I’m creating. Emotions will lead to beliefs which seem hidden but aren’t.

They are easy to find once I know how to look. “Find” isn’t the right word though because beliefs/stories are right in the open expressed as my reality. I know the best place to hide something is right in the open. That also makes “hidden” things easy to “find”.

Creating reality is fun now that I know how it happens. All creators get aid from the best positive feedback loop ever.

But what’s really fun is diving into the process, playing with the tangibles and seeing my movie unfold before my eyes.

Follow up: two nights ago, I had that conversation with my housemates. It was the best creation ever! It started with us just chatting about the day. They happened to all be sitting in the living room so I joined them after pre-paving my reality. After some fun and laughter about our days and life in general, I got the intuition to say the perfect thing which lead to a wonderful outcome about that night that prompted this post.

Our newest housemate just broke up with his girlfriend. He was heartbroken. So my other two housemates took him out for solace. Getting drunk is what some people do to forget for a time. 🙄

My new housemate apologized as did the others. Then we went right on chatting about all kinds of topics including spirituality, wealth, entrepreneurship and more.

It was the best conversation ever. Just as I had intended.

How To Create Your Perfect Relationship In No Time, Part 2

 

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Welcome back.

Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.

It did.

But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.

This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee our results.

Let’s get started.

• • •

By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.

Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative explanations about why. Explanations about the experience. Explanations about himself. Negative explanations about the Positively Focused approach.

Joe’s grumpiness matched all these beliefs. He thought something went wrong with the framework.

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Nothing went wrong.

Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. The key to Joe finding his perfect relationship is, he must become a match to that relationship.

Joe is not yet a match to what he wants. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is now. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.

The framework works. That doesn’t mean Joe liked what he saw.

Had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.

Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.

The relationship with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering beliefs.

And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those beliefs.

For example, Joe moved too fast. His beliefs about relationship scarcity had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.

Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.

After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone elseBut the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life. He’s also focused on the absence of relationships.

So he doesn’t have any.

When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match Joe’s beliefs though. 😃

• • •

Beliefs create reality. Belief momentum can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.

To slow old belief momentum, a person must create new beliefs. New beliefs which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old belief momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.

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Joe didn’t focus on new beliefs after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old belief momentum.

It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions in the first place. We offer our framework for that reason.

So rather than focusing on new beliefs he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old ones to continue creating his reality.

Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed.

He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and impatience) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old beliefs are creating.  Realities not matching what he wants.

Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions the way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.

Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old beliefs.

For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her.

That didn’t go well.

Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative beliefs about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior brings relief, people drink to numb the emotion.

But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to beliefs. That momentum draws to it beliefs like it. Beliefs are living things. Not just words. Beliefs like company. They draw to themselves beliefs like themselves. That’s how Belief Constellations happen.

That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.

Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s beliefs. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.

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What do I mean by that?

I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his beliefs create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.

To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.

• • •

By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.

One day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.

Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.

That belief can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.

Joe left session nine pretty negative.

If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His beliefs are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in how beliefs create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own living laboratory how beliefs do that.

He’s not happy about that.

But this is the process. It’s how it works.

I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his beliefs about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.

Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his beliefs as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his beliefs have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other belief he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.

And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living laboratory, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so they become beliefs. When that happens, one’s reality changes to match the new stories.

Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.

Including their ideal partner.

Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.

How To Create Your Perfect Relationship In No Time, Pt. 1

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In only six sessions learning the Positively Focused approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal woman.

In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.

Joe (not his real name), contacted us through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a specific kind of woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.

But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.

Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him the next step was worth the money. So he engaged us in our 1:1 offer.

• • •

The first few sessions involved exploring beliefs producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls late at night or in early morning dark hours.

Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like crap. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of beliefs about relationships and life, and women too. About himself too.

We explored how his beliefs create these experiences. Joe realized beliefs he didn’t know he had. Beliefs triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same beliefs creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.

Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Beliefs triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. That belief is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”

• • •

I know how deep beliefs can be. They connect with other beliefs, creating Belief Constellations or weaving through and shaping life experience.

It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.

No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.

At Positively Focused, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.

Beliefs create our reality. This includes beliefs we focus on before becoming human. These beliefs set up birth circumstances. Including the parents we are born to.

I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.

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I know when you pull at one belief, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running beliefs. Beliefs about his unworthiness as a person. Beliefs about how the women he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Beliefs about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.

In other words, beliefs a lot of humanity secretly shares. Some beliefs you may share.

What’s great about this work is, once beliefs get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new beliefs get born from that exposure. Those new beliefs can create explosive positive results.

That’s what happened to Joe.

• • •

Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets women at night.

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“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”

I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their beliefs. But I was also concerned about Joe.

That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old beliefs are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own beliefs. Beliefs matching Joe’s. Beliefs she may not be aware of.

So I clued him in:

remember

 

Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”

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Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.

“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”

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Joe added that he already can see how his beliefs about women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”

Indeed.

I know the Positively Focused approach is not mainstream. That’s why Positively Focused  guarantees results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your beliefs so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.

But so is everything else you’ve wanted in life. Minus the struggle. Minus the sacrifice.

The Best Relationship Gives Constant Freedom, Joy and Happiness

I’ve found the best relationship fosters the greatest freedom. The best relationship therefore is the one I have with me. My Personal Trinity.

Relationships with other people can’t match it.

But when I prioritize my relationship with my Inner Being, all other relationships get better. Or they disappear from my life experience. Or they’re replaced by better versions of themselves.

It’s hard describing with accuracy how great my relationship with me feels. Like the feeling of love or bliss, it defies description.

I know the benefits I get when I prioritize my relationship with me are far more valuable than those I get when I prioritize relationships with other people.

I can say prioritizing my Inner Being relationship required owning parts of me I avoided. Like how powerful I am. Like knowing I created the life experience I’ve had, including the people in it. And knowing I can create any reality I want. No matter my current reality.

It also required accepting other parts of me. Authentic parts. Accepting them fully.

  • That I prefer being free. Meaning, preferring something other than constraints marriage brings.
  • That I find transgender women smart, beautiful and extraordinary.
  • That the mainstream binary spectrum doesn’t define me.

Making my relationship with me my priority blew up my marriage. That’s right. I knew for a while it was coming. It was not ever intending to last. It was temporary as all things are. She filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I’m sure it’s final now. We’re both moving forward. And that’s great. It was a learning experience for both parties.

I know divorce happened because my relationship with me became more important than my marriage. Examined from a Positively Focused perspective my marriage played its part in my unmarriedness.

It offered so much authenticity I realized what I wanted. And marriage was not it.

I also realized how deep, fulfilling and rewarding my relationship with me is. So marriage served a glorious purpose.

As all life experience does.

My new, post-marriage life already has brought monumental evidence. Evidence supporting prioritizing my me/me relationship. It comes like a slow motion avalanche. In quantities sufficient to astound but not overwhelm.

  • I manifested paying work as soon as I needed it
  • I manifested an awesome living place. It’s beautifully furnished and owned by landlords aligned with Positive Focus.
  • I live within biking distance of every grocer I like shopping at. I’m also walking distance to many places I enjoy visiting. Including parks, water spots, and tea shops.
  • I have all I need to move forward with my projects including my 1:1 Spiritual Mentoring. There’s ample space to make videos, and blazing fast internet (included in the rent). Most of my mentoring I do online.
  • And, several people, bringing differing levels of intimacy have replaced my marriage. That’s a far better fit to what and who I am than being tied to one person.

I know beliefs I hold create my life experience. The more Positively Focused I become the better my life goes.

When it comes to people relationships, Seth describes what happens when a person makes their me/me relationship a top priority:

People with like ideas reinforce each other’s beliefs. You may meet with some misunderstanding when you suddenly decide to change your reality by changing your beliefs—according to the circumstances, you may be going in a completely different direction than [your spouse]. The others may feel it necessary to defend ideas that both of you previously took for granted. In such cases your beliefs merged. Each individual has his or her own ideas about reality for reasons that seem valid. Needs are met. When you abruptly change your beliefs, then in the [marriage] you no longer have the same position—you are not playing that game any longer…you may suddenly cease to provide for [your spouse] a need that you satisfied earlier. This affects both intimate behavior and, say, social interactions. Others, sharing your new beliefs, will gravitate toward you and you to them.

The quote is playing out in my life.

· · ·

One belief we humans share is relationships with other people complete us somehow. Like without a relationship, we’re not whole.

It’s a strong belief.

What I’ve learned is, that yearning is real.

But as I try filling it with another person I’m asking for trouble. Because people aren’t here to satisfy that yearning. They have their own path. Their own experience. Their own reality.

That yearning is natural. It’s normal. And it’s meant to direct me to the relationship that brings everything I want. Including, ironically, fulfilling relationships with other people.

That relationship is the one I have with my Broader Perspective.

I prioritize that relationship because my Inner Being not only knows what I want. It knows the “where” the “when” and the “how” to get those things. That leaves me worry-free. It leaves me not needing any of those answers about anything I want.

When I follow my intuition, which is how my Inner Being communicates, I get those things. It handles the “where” the “when” and the “how”.

My job: finding ways to synchronize with my Inner Being focus. When I do that, what I want happens in delightful ways, yes. But also with little effort, struggle and sacrifice.

When I’m not synchronized with my Inner Being, life happens how it does for most people. With a lot of blame, judgement, demanding, frustration, annoyance, impatience, pain, hard work, struggle, sacrifice, anxiety and more. Absent all that, I find continual freedom, joy and happiness.

And, yes, everything else I want too. Including great relationships, and material things, including money.

I think it’s worth giving up yearning for human relationships.

Besides, what human-to-human relationship can match what my Inner Being brings? When I get that relationship right, right relationships come into my life.

That’s why I call my relationship with my Inner Being the best relationship.

Because it is.