Tag: Open relationship

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Is Relationship Anarchy The Way To Better Love?

Photo by Orit Matee on Unsplash

TLDR: Relationship Anarchy (RA) challenges traditional relationship norms by advocating for love without entitlement and relationships defined by personal values. However, the term’s negative connotations and anarchist affiliations have created misunderstandings. Despite RA’s merits, it cannot eclipse the ultimate relationship with one’s Broader Perspective, which provides unconditional love and fulfillment beyond what any human partnership can offer.

A relatively new relationship dynamic is emerging. More people find it a satisfying way to express themselves romantically and intimately while finding companionship. It’s called Relationship Anarchy (RA).

In this post we’re going to look at this new dynamic relationship model. Instead of getting into it deeply, we will compare it to what we recommend regarding relationships. That’s because, it’s a definite improvement on humanity’s past “success” with relationships. But it still falls short of the ultimate relationship: that one relationship that gives us everything we want. Including satisfying relationships.

So let’s take a look at Relationship Anarchy. Then let’s contrast that against the ultimate relationship. The only one through which we get everything we want.

What is RA?

Andie Nordgren coined the phrase Relationship Anarchy in 2006. Her English manifesto on the matter, written in 2012, gives broad strokes on what it looks like. The way Andie describes it, RA sounds great!

Among the broad strokes is the assertion that love is abundant. RA says entitlement runs rampant in traditional relationships and that entitlement should be replaced with love and respect. Andie recommends that people define their values, then use frequent communication to infuse their relationship with those values, alongside a partner who shares them.

The biggest shift from traditional relationships is Andie’s suggestion to “customize” one’s relationship and commitment. Rather than relying on social norms, Andie says, we should define our relationship on our own terms while ignoring society’s expectations.

It’s no wonder then that Wikipedia includes RA in its non-monogamy
and polyamory series.

Anarchist affiliations…not good

And while Andie describes it optimistically without comparing it to something else, Wikipedia takes a different tack. And this is where problems start to show up.

That’s because the word “anarchy” itself is problematic. It brings a lot of bad interpretations to the table. Further, most people familiar with the term see anarchy as destructive. Even though anarchists claim the concept to be quite constructive. Historically, the movement has not been constructive, however.

The result is anarchy is seen predominantly as “anti-“. It’s also often associated with violence.

We can’t be “anti” something without enflaming that thing we’re against. Which explains why anarchists have made virtually no progress in creating society based on its merits.

And that brings us back to RA. And Wikipedia.

The anti relationship

The Wikipedia entry on RA describes its principles as pretty much anti-everything. At least when it comes to relationships. I would argue Andie doesn’t see RA that way. Andie’s characterization is fresh, positive and encouraging. But the Wikipedia entry. Well, see for yourself:

Indeed, this article, featuring two people in an RA relationship, speak in similar language. They contrast and define their relationship by what it’s not, comparing it to existing, undesirable relationships (according to them).

Now it could be the Wikipedia contributor who wrote the article is biased. He could interpret “anarchy” as “anti”. But the article linked in the above paragraph also characterizes RA as a “political” take on relationships. One trying to redefine what relationships look like. One also striving to “fix” power dynamics some RA believers think are bad.

But can we really define something based on what it is not? I think Andie does a better job describing the concept. It seems, however, many took the concept in a different direction.

The best relationship

Which brings me to the point of this piece. RA is great. It’s offers a fresh view of relationships. It certainly offers better options. Better options for those who feel uncomfortable with amatonormative edicts. It’s therefore not surprising the couple in this article includes both a trans person and a queer woman.

And yet, all relationships with other people fall short when compared to the one relationship that gives us everything we want. That is, our relationship with our Broader Perspective. While it’s nice finding love in another’s eyes, that love will nearly always be conditional.

Even in an RA relationship.

For even there, a person must find connections with people who have similar values. That makes sense. But even then, people will sometimes end up in conflict. What the couple does in that case depends a lot on how stable they are within themselves. And there’s no better stability than that found in our Broader Perspective.

Besides, our relationship with our Broader Perspective opens us to a love causing other loves to pale in comparison. It’s strong. It’s lasting. Our Broader Perspective’s love literally overwhelms us in its depths. And it feels freaking great!

Furthermore, through our Broader Perspective, everything is possible. Including finding the perfect partner. That is, if one wants that. This relationship is the best relationship out there. In so many ways it offers what human ones cannot.

When we put our Broader Perspective relationship first, others happen easily. (Photo by Oziel Gomez on Unsplash)

Literally everything we want..including freedom from death

Our Broader Perspective relationship is here to lead us to everything we want. All our desires get fulfilled through it. Our Broader Perspective constantly showers us with that which we’re wanting. When we put that relationship up front, those things flow easily into our reality.

Human partners can help us get things. They can connect us with jobs. They may even connect us with financial opportunity. But those too often come through filters, filters that often aren’t in synch with what we really want.

In other words, our Broader Perspective knows us best. It knows what will thrill us. It knows the best path to everything we want. Whether that be a material thing, or something else.

But the biggest thing that relationship offers is something no human can touch. It offers freedom from the fear of death. I know, that sounds crazy. After all, so many of us are too busy living. Too busy living to think about death.

Well, it seems that way.

But most people’s fear of death is front and center in their lives. It’s one reason people worry about time running out. Their fear of getting old has its basis in death. So does their fear of being single.

Fear of death takes many forms

The fear of death is pervasive in the world. It doesn’t feel like it’s about death though. That’s because the fear hides behind other fears.

What kind of fears? Fears of being cast out of a group, for example. The fear of losing one’s job is another. The fear of being unable to support one’s family is yet another. As is the fear of one’s human partner betraying us. There are plenty more.

These fears mimic the ultimate fear, which is the fear of dying.

And so people respond to all these fears in predictable ways. They’re impatient. They’re demanding. They are desperate. And in that, they cut themselves off from the one thing that can relieve them of all these fears and more: their Broader Perspective.

The fear of ending up here can take many forms. (Photo by davide ragusa on Unsplash)

Now I’m not saying don’t have human partners. What I am saying is, first, ground ourselves in the one partnership giving us everything we want. Including the beating of our hearts and the breath we take.

And when one finds that, there’s little “need” for anything else. Because everything else naturally flows from there. Including human love.

I’m in favor of RA. I wish it had a different name. RA is closer to the Broader Perspective love I’ve described in this post than many of the other relationships humans form. Including parent-child relationships. There’s still a ways to go though.

The better it gets the better it gets

And isn’t that the great thing about life experience? There is always a ways more to go. Because life is eternal. We never get to the end. We’re never perfect. But in the perfection of the now, we are perfect. Not perfect as in “complete”. Not perfect as in “done”. But perfect in our becoming more.

Standing there, I see this RA concept fitting what I want in partnership. With my stability rooted in my Broader Perspective, I know what I’m wanting is on the way. I’m eager to see it unfold. I’ve had tastes of it. And I’m patient for further unfolding.

Andie’s onto something. I’m eager to learn more about RA. But I’m clear something better exists. I enjoy that something now. Which allows me to feel excitement. Excitement and joy about those finding satisfaction in RA.

Good partnerships elude many. That’s because many look there for something that’s not there. Something that only comes from a relationship with themselves. I write this blog to show people how to “know thyself”. And in doing that, find happiness from within. Instead of looking for it outside themselves.

My clients consistently find that happiness. Along the way, they get more of what they want too. Their examples fill me with eagerness. They also amplify my own happiness. A happiness that gets better and better.

Maybe you’re ready for your version of that? If you are, contact me. Let’s get you started. Let’s find out how “better” life can get.

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Soul Mates Who Cause Us Pain Are The Best Teachers

Positively Focused Q-A
Positively Focused questions and answers

I’ve added yet another running series “Q/A” to my blog. Here I answer questions I get through the internets. I share them here with you as they may help feel inspired to be more Positively Focused.

Someone asked: Why do we have soul contracts with people that will eventually end up hurting us, killing us, or destroying our mental health?

Answer: First, they aren’t really “contracts”…

Connections we have with others represent the energy stream that we are. It seems we are individuals living in separate bodies, but beneath that interpretation, which feels so, and is very real….beneath that lies the actual phenomena of All That Is: a stream of awareized energy that we all are, divided into categories or families, if you will, subdivided into yet more categories, organized according to “harmonics”…vibratory patterns of awareized energy distinguished and organized around timeless “core values” or “intents”.

These “soul contracts” as you describe them are such organizations. They aren’t hard and fast “pacts” like a compact, rather they are resonance patterns or harmonics that can be felt. That’s why they feel like “contracts”: inescapable, irresistible.

Ok, that’s the pretty theory. Now for the practical answer…that you might not enjoy reading. 😊

It’s all about more and better

No one hurts, kills or destroys us mentally or otherwise. That’s our doing. Each being with whom we have significant contact exists within us as an inseparable aspect of that unique organization stream I mentioned above, rising and falling in harmony with our own core intents.

They serve an extremely valuable purpose in our lives. They help us shape ourselves into our ideal self. That image we know ourselves to be in nonphysical, that we wish to express in physical through our core intents. This ultimately leads to our Charmed Life.

Ideally, these relationships focus us inward. There we find our invincibility and unconditional love…for ourselves, for others and for circumstances. In that love we find our stability from which we pursue and realize our wildest desires as deliberate creators, our Charmed Life, in other words. In realizing our desires, we transform physical reality in ways we knew we would before we choose to come here.

However…in many cases, such as the ones you describe with “eventually end up hurting us, killing us, or destroying our mental health”, instead of finding freedom, joy and unconditional love, we focus on aspects of these partners that seem to drive us crazy. In doing that, we create increasingly amplified versions of those things, react to them and in our reactions, amplify those things even more. In that way we create a downward spiral of increasingly negative created reality conditions.

The fury, the exasperation, the anguish, and, yes, the circumstances that end up looking like “hurting us, killing us, or destroying our mental health” are actually OUR creation. They are what happens when we don’t use those relationships they way they are meant: as catalyzers for inner exploration and awakening.

A personal example will help

For example, my ex wife was such a person. She was horrible in many ways and an angel in others. It took great effort to take my attention from what I perceived she was doing “to me” and put it on my inner reality. I knew finding within myself the unconditional love I wanted was key. Neither she, nor anyone else could give me that.

Standing there, in that unconditional love, I could allow her to be as she chose to be…even when she slept with other men. Even when she and her friends railed against me. Even when she filed for divorce.

Everything she did was positive. It all served a positive purpose for me. Getting the positive aspects in those situations required cultivating an unconditional, stable love for her and for myself. I know I succeeded because, as I wrote above, I found my resonance with my eternity, my invincibility, my Inner Being awareness and thus my enlightenment.

I remember one night, not long before the divorce was final, where she and I stood in her living room on the verge of actual physical violence. That’s how out of balance we both were. It never came to real blows, but it certainly could have.

We co-create enlightenment

The point of all this is, no one does anything to us, we do it to ourselves through the interpretations we make about what we observe and the reality borne from them. Most people don’t know that so their interpretations go unexamined.

Instead of owning their created realities, including outcomes of hurt, death and diminished mental health, and doing something productive about that, they blame their partner, soul mate, “twin flame” or whatever. When all the while that other person had the potential of being a catalyst for enlightenment.

We each create our realities. No one does that for us. But some people help facilitate our creative abilities, if we are responsible enough to accept the catalyzing stimulus flowing from the awareized energy stream that is at once us and our “soul mates”.

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Transform Your Husband Or Wife Without Their Involvement

Transform

This is a Positively Focused client. Like all of Positively Focused clients, he is getting immediate results in creating the relationship he wants. This is why I guarantee the process. It works.

My client is in a relationship with his son’s mother. Their relationship had been very rocky because our client was telling rocky stories about himself, about her and about his relationship. In three sessions, after cleaning up some of his unhelpful stories, his son’s mother started acting different. How? My client stepped into his Moment Of Becoming and created a new version of her.

In this clip, hear him settle into his reality-creation power. He creates people in his reality too, which is why his partner changes as well as his reality.

This client is now on his way to his dreams. He’s excited about the path and finds the work exhilarating, even while recognizing the work, in his words, can be a “blessing and a curse.”

I would say the work puts him where he belongs: at the center of the Universe, ongoingly creating the Universe that surrounds him. There, it does seem like a blessing…when  creating the Universe on purpose.

When not creating on purpose, as the client says here, it becomes curse. Or I could say life shows clients how not creating reality on purpose leads to unnecessary turbulence in reality-creation.

The more my clients discover the joy of living in connection with their Broader Perspectives the more they get what they want. Then, living lives in created realities they don’t want feels awful. But that’s good: How else are my clients supposed to know when they’re creating on purpose, or creating through obliviousness?

Find out more about my client services here.

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How to keep your heart from breaking

No_More_Broken_Hearts 2
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.

Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?

Not necessarily.

No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.

My recent relationship taught me that. 😂 ❤️👍🏾

· · ·

Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.

Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.

But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.

I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.

For a while she appreciated all that.

Then it got too much for her.

No_More_Broken_Hearts 3
Relationships with other people get all the attention. The best relationship includes no one but you and you. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)

Relationships are nice-to-haves

I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.

As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.

There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.

So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love for me is enough. When it pores through me I become that. Pure love.

So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?

Good question.

Thoughts make reality

My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works.

When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.

Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.

In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from that fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.

Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.

Unchecked my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.

Untitled_Artwork 4
Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.

Thoughts come from somewhere

Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.

Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.

So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.

That’s how it works.

I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.

Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.

So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.

No_More_Broken_Hearts 4
Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

 

Love happens best when alone

Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these in this blog.

Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.

Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.

This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.

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You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.

So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.

  • She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
  • She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
  • She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety.
  • She said our relationship would fail.

I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.

For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.

As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.

For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.

That’s what happened for me with Lauren. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?

It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.

Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.

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Open relationships: the best path to the one best relationship

Open relationships best relationship
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.

Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.

Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.

I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.

Open relationships: either partner may want one

Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.

I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.

She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.

I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.

SHAME 2
Photo by @plqml on Unsplash

Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.

It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.

For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.

She said she knew we were a match regardless.

That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.

I see that now. You are on the same path.

• • •

Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.

A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.

Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.

Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.

That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.

SHAME 3

Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.

But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.

Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.

People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.

Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.

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Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

One way or another it’s going to happen

While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.

I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.

But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.

Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner Being. I haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.

The best relationship I could ever want

My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.

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Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.

What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.

I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.

These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.

Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!

What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.

Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.

I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.

Why? It’s not their job.

A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.

You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.

Which is why I started Positively Focused.

When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.

 

Bonus content:

After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”

The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.

Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.

The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.

Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.

If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.

Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.

Want to know more? Write me. 

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The Best Relationship Gives Constant Freedom, Joy and Happiness

I’ve found the best relationship fosters the greatest freedom. The best relationship therefore is the one I have with me. My Personal Trinity.

Relationships with other people can’t match it.

But when I prioritize my relationship with my Inner Being, all other relationships get better. Or they disappear from my life experience. Or they’re replaced by better versions of themselves.

It’s hard describing with accuracy how great my relationship with me feels. Like the feeling of love or bliss, it defies description.

I know the benefits I get when I prioritize my relationship with me are far more valuable than those I get when I prioritize relationships with other people.

I can say prioritizing my Inner Being relationship required owning parts of me I avoided. Like how powerful I am. Like knowing I created the life experience I’ve had, including the people in it. And knowing I can create any reality I want. No matter my current reality.

It also required accepting other parts of me. Authentic parts. Accepting them fully.

  • That I prefer being free. Meaning, preferring something other than constraints marriage brings.
  • That I find transgender women smart, beautiful and extraordinary.
  • That the mainstream binary spectrum doesn’t define me.

Making my relationship with me my priority blew up my marriage. That’s right. I knew for a while it was coming. It was not ever intending to last. It was temporary as all things are. She filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I’m sure it’s final now. We’re both moving forward. And that’s great. It was a learning experience for both parties.

I know divorce happened because my relationship with me became more important than my marriage. Examined from a Positively Focused perspective my marriage played its part in my unmarriedness.

It offered so much authenticity I realized what I wanted. And marriage was not it.

I also realized how deep, fulfilling and rewarding my relationship with me is. So marriage served a glorious purpose.

As all life experience does.

My new, post-marriage life already has brought monumental evidence. Evidence supporting prioritizing my me/me relationship. It comes like a slow motion avalanche. In quantities sufficient to astound but not overwhelm.

  • I manifested paying work as soon as I needed it
  • I manifested an awesome living place. It’s beautifully furnished and owned by landlords aligned with Positive Focus.
  • I live within biking distance of every grocer I like shopping at. I’m also walking distance to many places I enjoy visiting. Including parks, water spots, and tea shops.
  • I have all I need to move forward with my projects including my 1:1 Spiritual Mentoring. There’s ample space to make videos, and blazing fast internet (included in the rent). Most of my mentoring I do online.
  • And, several people, bringing differing levels of intimacy have replaced my marriage. That’s a far better fit to what and who I am than being tied to one person.

I know beliefs I hold create my life experience. The more Positively Focused I become the better my life goes.

When it comes to people relationships, Seth describes what happens when a person makes their me/me relationship a top priority:

People with like ideas reinforce each other’s beliefs. You may meet with some misunderstanding when you suddenly decide to change your reality by changing your beliefs—according to the circumstances, you may be going in a completely different direction than [your spouse]. The others may feel it necessary to defend ideas that both of you previously took for granted. In such cases your beliefs merged. Each individual has his or her own ideas about reality for reasons that seem valid. Needs are met. When you abruptly change your beliefs, then in the [marriage] you no longer have the same position—you are not playing that game any longer…you may suddenly cease to provide for [your spouse] a need that you satisfied earlier. This affects both intimate behavior and, say, social interactions. Others, sharing your new beliefs, will gravitate toward you and you to them.

The quote is playing out in my life.

· · ·

One belief we humans share is relationships with other people complete us somehow. Like without a relationship, we’re not whole.

It’s a strong belief.

What I’ve learned is, that yearning is real.

But as I try filling it with another person I’m asking for trouble. Because people aren’t here to satisfy that yearning. They have their own path. Their own experience. Their own reality.

That yearning is natural. It’s normal. And it’s meant to direct me to the relationship that brings everything I want. Including, ironically, fulfilling relationships with other people.

That relationship is the one I have with my Broader Perspective.

I prioritize that relationship because my Inner Being not only knows what I want. It knows the “where” the “when” and the “how” to get those things. That leaves me worry-free. It leaves me not needing any of those answers about anything I want.

When I follow my intuition, which is how my Inner Being communicates, I get those things. It handles the “where” the “when” and the “how”.

My job: finding ways to synchronize with my Inner Being focus. When I do that, what I want happens in delightful ways, yes. But also with little effort, struggle and sacrifice.

When I’m not synchronized with my Inner Being, life happens how it does for most people. With a lot of blame, judgement, demanding, frustration, annoyance, impatience, pain, hard work, struggle, sacrifice, anxiety and more. Absent all that, I find continual freedom, joy and happiness.

And, yes, everything else I want too. Including great relationships, and material things, including money.

I think it’s worth giving up yearning for human relationships.

Besides, what human-to-human relationship can match what my Inner Being brings? When I get that relationship right, right relationships come into my life.

That’s why I call my relationship with my Inner Being the best relationship.

Because it is.