Open relationships: the best path to the one best relationship

Open relationships best relationship
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The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.

Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.

Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.

I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.

Open relationships: either partner may want one

Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.

I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.

She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.

I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.

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Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.

It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.

For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.

She said she knew we were a match regardless.

That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.

I see that now. You are on the same path.

• • •

Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.

A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.

Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.

Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.

That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.

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Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.

But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.

Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.

People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.

Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.

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One way or another it’s going to happen

While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.

I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.

But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.

Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner BeingI haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.

The best relationship I could ever want

My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.

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This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.

What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.

I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.

These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.

Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!

What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.

Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.

I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.

Why? It’s not their job.

A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.

You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.

Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.

Which is why I started Positively Focused.

When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.

 

Bonus content:

After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”

The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.

Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.

The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.

Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.

If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.

Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.

Want to know more? Write me. 

 

A Job You Love Isn’t Necessary To Love Your Job

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Loving the job you have blurs the lines between that and doing a job you love. I know humans create their reality. So when a person hates the job they have, they can’t get to the job they’d love. They’re focusing on the job they don’t like and have. So they’re creating more of that.

It’s only by finding aspects of the job they have that they can love that they begin tuning their reality to include having doing a job they love.

The same is true for money. The same is true for relationships. The same is true for everything. This I know.

It all begins with being positive, happy and celebrating what is in my now, now. Then, I watch. Because then I see tiny clues that my reality is changing into that which I want.

It’s gradual at first (like everything in physical reality). But like everything in physical reality that becomes more (plants growing bigger, children turning to adults, clouds dissipating into clear blue skies), in time, evidence becomes overwhelming.

Then I find myself in a new reality. The one I created.

But I know I can’t get to that new reality while focused on a reality I don’t like.

Good news: Every reality, no matter how bad it is, also contains elements worthy of joyful attention. I find those. That’s how I change all circumstances into that which I’m wanting.

What am I wanting? A joyful life adventure.

And that’s exactly what I have.

Powerful Nows Come From Positive Focused Stillness

 

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“Meditation”, the word, distracts attention, sending people in all kinds of directions. It’s really “stilling the mind” so that I can hear my Broader Consciousness guiding me to life experiences it/I knows/know will thrill and delight.

Meanwhile, those experiences benefit not only me. They also benefit all who experience them. “All” means both physical and nonphysical beings of all kinds. And as they benefit, so does the Universe. So does All That Is.

It’s the basis of All That Is. Expanded conscious awareness on all levels and all dimensions. That’s how important earthly life experience is.

Mind stillness is the prerequisite to knowing how accurate what I’m writing is. Through mental stillness, I have gradually gained awareness of the Inner Reality from which all that is physical emerges. I’m also learning how that “emergence” happens. Through mind stillness I have tuned into my “inner senses” — corollaries to my physical senses of sight, taste, smell, touch and hearing. So I now see the nonphysical world as clearly as I do the physical one.

I delight in what I’ve discovered. I delight in what I am discovering. I know there is more to discover. As there is no end to expansion. No end to All That Is, and thus no end to my personal life experience, which is a constant experience of new discoveries.

How To Create Your Perfect Relationship In No Time, Pt. 1

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In only six sessions learning the Positively Focused approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal woman.

In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.

Joe (not his real name), contacted us through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a specific kind of woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.

But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.

Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him the next step was worth the money. So he engaged us in our 1:1 offer.

• • •

The first few sessions involved exploring beliefs producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls late at night or in early morning dark hours.

Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like crap. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of beliefs about relationships and life, and women too. About himself too.

We explored how his beliefs create these experiences. Joe realized beliefs he didn’t know he had. Beliefs triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same beliefs creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.

Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Beliefs triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. That belief is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”

• • •

I know how deep beliefs can be. They connect with other beliefs, creating Belief Constellations or weaving through and shaping life experience.

It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.

No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.

At Positively Focused, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.

Beliefs create our reality. This includes beliefs we focus on before becoming human. These beliefs set up birth circumstances. Including the parents we are born to.

I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.

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I know when you pull at one belief, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running beliefs. Beliefs about his unworthiness as a person. Beliefs about how the women he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Beliefs about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.

In other words, beliefs a lot of humanity secretly shares. Some beliefs you may share.

What’s great about this work is, once beliefs get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new beliefs get born from that exposure. Those new beliefs can create explosive positive results.

That’s what happened to Joe.

• • •

Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets women at night.

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“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”

I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their beliefs. But I was also concerned about Joe.

That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old beliefs are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own beliefs. Beliefs matching Joe’s. Beliefs she may not be aware of.

So I clued him in:

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Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”

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Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.

“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”

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Joe added that he already can see how his beliefs about women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”

Indeed.

I know the Positively Focused approach is not mainstream. That’s why Positively Focused  guarantees results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your beliefs so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.

But so is everything else you’ve wanted in life. Minus the struggle. Minus the sacrifice.