It’s fun putting God to the test and watching God exceed my test expectations. That’s what happened this morning on my walk.
I know I am God in a human body. Don’t freak out reading that. Everyone is God in human bodies.
Sometimes it’s nice testing my godhood. It’s fun, and it assures me my desires are flowing easily into my life experience. Evidence abounds in that regard, but, every so often creating an event immediately tells me, yup! I’m doing it, I’m creating my reality.
The challenge with creating reality and the reason so many try this “manifestation business” and fail, is because specificity and focus are important. People who fail at creation don’t realize their “failure” actually is success. Here’s why.
Every human being is a God in human form, creating reality through their interaction with it. Conscious creation is more joyful…for obvious reasons. Putting God to the test is fun too. Especially when I delight myself by exceeding my expectations.
If I want something really bad, that’s great, so long as I’m focused on what it is I want. It’s easy, though, in my focus on what I want, to instead focus on the opposite of what I want, which is the absence of what I want, or what I already have.
For example, say I want a new relationship and I’m in a relationship I don’t like. If I focus on all the things I don’t like about the relationship I have, and focusing there, I ask for a new relationship, I’m not going to manifest a new relationship. Instead, I’m going to manifest more of what I have: the relationship I’ve got.
I know I must turn my focus to what I want, not what I’ve got. I know I’ve done that by using my emotions as my guide. I know I’m getting what I want when I feel great in the now, the Moment of Becoming.
The Universe will deliver the essence of everything I ask for. Testing this assertion helps calibrate my focus so I know when I’m focusing on what I want instead of what I don’t. It’s a fun way of refining that important skill.
I know thinking thoughts that feel good makes getting what I want easy.
So that’s what I did this morning. I like testing God (that’s me) by using subjects I don’t have lots of desire about. It’s easier focusing when there isn’t a lot of momentum behind the desire itself. Here’s what I did:
I said I wanted to see a rabbit on my walk somewhere. I live in an urban neighborhood in Portland, Oregon. Houses and apartments and paved streets and alleys define my neighborhood. There aren’t a lot of wooded areas, so seeing a wild rabbit would be amazing. But I knew I can manifest anything I want if my desire is strong enough and, most importantly, my resistance to the desire is weak or non existent.
I focused on how it would feel seeing a rabbit. I held that image for a little over a minute, to get the creative momentum moving. In my imagination I saw the rabbit’s brown fur, its black eyes….I thought about petting the rabbit and how soft it would feel so long as it didn’t bite me 😂. That made me feel happy, a crucial indicator.
I’m clear All That Is delivers the essence of what ask. I know that often means delights beyond my specific ask. So it’s better asking generally rather than specifically because what comes can be missed if I’m too specific about what I want. So while I asked for a rabbit, what I focused on was the fur, the eyes and how it would feel to see something like that in my city.
Then I dropped it. I paid no attention to my request. I enjoyed my walk, the city, the morning air, the flowers and other people out walking.
It was a nearly four mile walk. Returning to the house where I live, I turned a corner one block from home and…not 20 feet in front of me….was a coyote. It looked at me with black eyes…and it had brown fur.
A Coyote a few steps right in front of me! In the middle of town!
Before I could snap a picture with my phone, it ran off around the corner, but as I got to the end of the block, it came running back around the corner. That’s when I got a video of her!
God passed! What a demonstration!
I know I am God in a physical body. I know I create reality through my interaction with it. My thoughts and emotions tell me what creations I’m creating. I share my experiences through this blog because the sharing is fun, but also to encourage others into their full creative potential so they can have as much fun as I’m having.
It really is fun creating reality. I love putting God to the test and then seeing how I exceed my own expectations.
I know All That Is is Positively Focused. I cultivate a Positively Focused perspective too because doing that matches me to All That Is. I love how I feel doing that. Ecstasy is real, flowing over me in great waves. When those waves crash over me, which happens often during the day, it feels surreal. But I know it’s real. I know it’s real because when I feel that consistently, my desires fulfill themselves as evidence of all this real-ness.
In the last two months, my client roster doubled. That doubling signals universal response to my desires. I relish the future where a full calendar greets me each day, where clients and I joyfully share our Positive Focus and from that celebrate together desires fulfilling themselves.
Everything I want already happened. My job: line up with those future probable and alternate realities so they, like the sun rising and clouds forming in the sky, flow into my day-to-day.
I love seeing some Christians get this too. In their newfound awareness, they interpret the Bible different these days. The picture above, shared by a friend, is a snap from “The Mirror Study Bible” by Francois Du Toit. Du Toit is someone who believes in God and gets that God is more than once believed.
There’s nothing like hell. There is only heaven…on Earth as it is in nonphysical. When Positively Focused, I get heaven. Positively Focused is the heaven to which Jesus alludes.
That’s why, like this passage, I search for the good in everything. It’s so small a price to pay for what I get that it really isn’t a price at all.
Getting what you want doesn’t need a ton of effort
This is an actual client who lives in rural America. Through being Positively Focused, she got her dream job, a ton of boys knocking at her door and, most important, she’s happy. What else could a young woman want? It’s all so fun getting all this with little effort on her part. Hear her tell it in her own (unscripted) words.
I know living a life loved comes easy. My life goes that way. I got started being Positively Focused. Then I discovered what we all are: Gods in human form.
I know I get better results when I think positive thoughts. Even better results come when I open up and allow Broader Perspective’s view into my awareness. There everything I want comes into view. I see differently, subsequently feel differently and life matches that.
That’s why Positively Focused living feels good and also creates life consistent with feeling good.
I like knowing that. I knew that Tuesday morning after waking. I felt so good in fact I wrote this:
Clarity in wake state feels like cool wind on hot, sun splashed days. A welcome relief. Negative thoughts ringing loud and clear, are clarions sounding future wake state moments, a future foretold, my future, a future unwanted.
Aware now, I resist resisting these thoughts. Old habits of pushing against unwanted thoughts give way to appreciation: I know now that every unwanted thought turns into improved thought when allowed passage via dispassionate observance rather than wishing they weren’t there and thereby giving birth to resistance.
April showers, they come and go, leaving fertile, softened soil, perfect conditions for soon-to-sprout goodness. So too are my negative thoughts, better termed “unwanted”. Like sprouting seeds my unwanted thoughts give way to new realities which draw to them fulfilled wishes like bees to blossoms. Like bees to blossoms, these fulfilled wishes prompt smiles of joy, satisfaction and more
After all that deliciousness I created the gif above. So cool how creativity begets more creativity. That’s exactly the process that creates physical reality.
I love working with my clients. I love it when they offer open doors through which come amazing insights. I know beliefs create my reality. I show my clients how this works. From that, they get amazing lives. Sometimes that’s immediate. Other times, it takes awhile. But everyone gets it. What delights me most is when I delight myself with what comes out of my mouth, or in this case, my fingers…lol.…
I know some ridicule “spiritual” reality. These folks disbelieve anything beyond physical sense awareness.
Yet physical reality and spiritual reality reflect one another. They are identical, with physical reality expressing All That Is at its most forward evolutionary state in that one now.
Thoughts are living things, I know this. Every instance of All That Is seeks full self expression and thoughts are no exception. I see that expression all around me. I look at people for example, and see them grow from infant to adult. Everything about them changes, including their Broader Perspective. Nearly everything a person is changes; physicalness, ideas they receive, interests, etc.
Everything becomes more, including thoughts. I see this everywhere. Spirituality becomes more too. What does it look like when spirituality becomes more? It looks like physical reality.
Thought: physical reality’s building blocks
Thoughts start in nonphysical, where I do, as abstract, essences. Like children who become adults, they too become more than what they are. Thoughts mingle with other like thoughts in “communities” or “families”, just like we humans.
These families, like human families, project themselves forward into more and more tangible expressions of themselves, more real, more sensorial. That ultimate expression is physical. That’s where physical reality comes from: from the spiritual world. Said better: physical reality IS spiritual reality.
I did the same thing, before becoming human. I’m doing it now. I am energized, aware ideas, eternal abstract essentials, or thoughts, extending myself into my moreness, which looks like a physical me.
Distinct from other ideas, I look different from other people. Yet, like other people, my ideas exist in the same community or family of ideas of other people, ideas that, which expressed to their fullest, look “human”.
Massive coordination and cooperation happens in nonphysical reality where thoughts and ideas, all fully formed and yet becoming more, mingle in an unrestrained joyful All That Is expression.
When thoughts and ideas, become physical, that existence inspires more, as incarnate, an idea realizes new and better expression opportunity, improved states birthed from current ones. Science calls this constant improvement “evolution”.
My body mirrors how I experience myself in nonphysical, exteriorized and experientialized in this “forward” SPIRITUAL experience we call “physical reality”.
In other words, everything physical IS spiritual. Physical reality is joyful spirituality expressed to its fullest in this one now-instant.
Focus: the propellant
How does this happen? First, thought form must become self aware. Once that happened, self-referential nonphysical awareness differentiated itself from the rest of itself. That allowed focus. It could focus on “the rest of itself”, or it could focus on its self-referential self.
Any focus gathers life force, that essential aspect that is and both fuels consciousness. Focus therefore is propellant. The greater I focus, the more life force I summon.
Sufficient focus propels consciousness into greater and greater tangible realization until that focus becomes perceivable by the perceiving entity. In other words, thought becomes aware of its thoughts.
Doing so, it attracts other forms like it because all forms seek full expression. They focus too, creating massive, undeniable momentum. Little resistance exists in nonphysical, so momentum builds fast. As more forms join, that collection “pops” into physical reality through cooperative elements already existing at that physical level!
Reality becomes! Gaaaah! My mind boggles!
In my case, those “cooperative elements” were my parents, as well as all the consciousnesses existing in their bodies, their cells, their reproductive fluids, my consciousness stream and its associated thoughts….hell….all of physical reality act as cooperative elements. All this cooperation popped me into a physical framework: my developing body as fertilized egg!
“As it is in heaven, so it is on Earth”. That means physical reality is spiritual reality. Everything physical, whether perceived as animate or inanimate (everything is animate) is spiritual because that is where it came from and still is, focused here, yet there simultaneously. Just like my Broader Perspective!
I know my Broader Perspective revels in new expressions, which is why I feel goosebumps and shivers whenever I experience something new and thrilling. That revelry mirrors what “god” or “All That Is” or “the Universe” – whatever you want to call it – feels when new expressions get expressed at their maximum extent in any given now.
God is Positively Focused
So “god” constantly delights in literally uncountable experiences of new expressions happening literally all over the many Universes existing simultaneously, wherein points of consciousness, people, animals, rocks, cells and more experience physical/spiritual reality, discover improvement opportunities and then move toward those. I do my part too, and god revels in my participation!
So when for example, someone creates a new version of a Rolls Royce, that new version delights it designers…and All That Is. When one gets sold, the sale delights the sales people…and All That Is. When the new owner drives it, or drives in it while the chauffeur drives it, the owner delights…and so does All That Is!
Photo: Zoe Holling
When a person criticizes the owner for living in excess, negative emotion the criticizer feels feels negative because instead of criticizing the Rolls Royce owner, the criticizer’s Broader Perspective instead revels along with All That Is. The disconnect between the criticizer’s interpretation and her Broader Perspective’s interpretation feels like negative emotion!
That’s why I have negative emotion, so I know when I see the world the way god does, or not.
So everything happening in physical reality delights not only the Universe, but me also. I’d rather feel delight than negative. Making sure I interpret my world Positively Focused ensures that happens.
When I do that, my life must reflect that back to me. Which is why my life gets better and better.
Life is so spectacular. I know that when I’m Positively Focused. When I am, god and I see the world through the same eyes. Which is why I’m happy. Because god is happy. In other words, god is Positively Focused
Last month, in cahoots with Inner Being, I realized over $10,000 in project funding. Rendezvousing with that money came surprisingly and delightfully, which is how “right timing” always feels.
Between jobs last month and with COVID-19 shutting down job opportunities, I slowed down looking for work. In that space, I realized what I wanted more than a job paying the bills, was my projects paying the bills.
But existing stories about my projects paying my bills created ongoing nows consistent with them. That’s why I needed work. I didn’t believe my projects could pay my bills. So that’s the reality I got.
• • •
Earlier this month, I decided I would allow those stories a path out of my awareness. Doing that, I knew they would no longer influence my Moment of Becoming.
Do that long enough, I knew, and stories consistent with my desires would show their momentum. My awareness would expand towards that and, in time, I would experience reality consistent with new stories, instead of what is.
That’s what I started two weeks ago. On Day one, determination reigned. By Day 12, old stories re-asserted themselves. All stories or beliefs or thoughts enjoy leaning toward their fullest expression. Once in the head, getting them out takes work, unless I know what to do, which I do, so it’s not work. It’s easy.
I left some in my account…just in case
My old stories reveled in my then what was. The more I looked for work, the stronger their momentum. Their revelry felt like pressure, fear and anxiety in me. Leading up to Day 12 I entertained thoughts like these:
I gotta get a job. My savings are running out.
I should take whatever I can get.
If I don’t take this job, there may not be others.
I’m in competition with others for jobs I want.
But then I reminded myself that I create my reality. Thoughts don’t create my reality. I do, by thinking thoughts. That means I can choose thoughts I think. Choose thoughts that feel good and I know by my good feelings, realities consistent with what my Inner Being has in store for me will become my reality.
That’s what I did. I chose thoughts that feel good. “Thoughts that feel good” sounded like this:
I don’t need to take any of these jobs I feel “blah” about
There are plenty of jobs available for me…
I’m not competing for the job that’s for me. It’s only for me.
My Inner Being knows the best job for me.
I’ll wait for that best job.
But then, something happened. I began thinking totally different thoughts, thoughts that felt even better!
I don’t want a job!
I enjoy working on my projects.
Why can’t my projects pay my bills?
They can!
I want that reality!
Working on my projects full time feels fun!
That was around Day six. Between Day six and Day 12, old belief constellations reasserted themselves several times each day. They (those beliefs) popped into my head under their own momentum.
Thankfully, I trained myself into monitoring my feelings. Any time I felt bad, I knew old stories popped up, even if I didn’t know what thoughts I thought at that time. Negative emotion usually came when my attention slipped into the future. That’s a no-no because when thinking about a future I want I easily slip into thinking about the “how” and the “when”. How will my projects sustain me? When will that happen? Will it happen before I run out of money?
Those thoughts always conjured negative emotion.
Sometimes I knew what thoughts I thought. Other times, I didn’t. Either way, anytime I felt negative emotion, I pulled my attention back into the now, then focused on the positive beliefs.
When I couldn’t shift my thinking because momentum had too much strength, I took a nap, or did something I enjoy: watch a favorite movie or take a walk.
By Day 14, I had done a lot of all that. I felt good.
On Day 14, I had wonderful dreams and epiphanies I journaled about. Then, one of my Positively Focused clients sent a message on WhatsApp. He’s not only a client, he’s keen about Copiosis, one of my projects. He’s given money to that organization before.
My conversation with my client/gift-giver.
It just so happened, I launched a social media advertising strategy earlier in the week for that project. So I had plenty to show him. The progress excited him. So much so, he said he would give me more money to run that organization. Then he said to use the rest of his gift to fund my living expenses so I could work full time on my projects.
How much was “the rest”? Nine thousand, eight hundred and eighty dollars! I walked right into my desired reality. I withdrew most of that, but kept some in Bitcoin.
• • •
Here’s the thing about all this. That money is great. Now I don’t need a job. It will fund my living expenses for most of the rest of the year. More money is coming, I’m sure.
But what’s more thrilling is what I experienced on the way to this money. The deliberate focus. The lining up with my Inner Being. Clarity coming from that. Positive, wonderful, ecstatic feelings that come from that clarity. Every moment I stayed in the present moment, the Moment of Becoming, I enjoyed throughly. In other words, most of that time I was happy. I’m happy still.
Those times I didn’t I stay in the Moment of Becoming, I see as beneficial too. Without them, I couldn’t tell that I wasn’t in the Moment of Becoming. So even those times benefitted me. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Getting the $10K is great. But desire fulfillment lasts hardly as long as the anticipation, the joyful expectations, the pleasure that is knowing it’s on its way, and seeing the signs as I move toward that fulfilled desire. Since I’m eternal, new desires will always spring up. So I’ll always be on the way to one desire or another.
That means, life gets mostly lived on a journey towards someplace. Every time I arrive, arrival births new desire. Which is why I know this: Life is about the journey. Not the manifestation.
What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.
Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?
Not necessarily.
No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.
My recent relationship taught me that. 😂 ❤️👍🏾
· · ·
Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.
Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.
But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.
I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.
For a while she appreciated all that.
Then it got too much for her.
Relationships with other people get all the attention. The best relationship includes no one but you and you. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)
Relationships are nice-to-haves
I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.
As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.
There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.
So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love for me is enough. When it pores through me I become that. Pure love.
So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?
Good question.
Thoughts make reality
My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works.
When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.
Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.
In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from that fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.
Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.
Unchecked my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.
Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.
Thoughts come from somewhere
Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.
Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.
So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.
That’s how it works.
I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.
Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.
So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.
Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
Love happens best when alone
Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these in this blog.
Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.
Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.
This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.
You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.
So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.
She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety.
She said our relationship would fail.
I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.
For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.
As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.
For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.
That’s what happened for me with Lauren. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?
It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.
Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.
The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.
Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.
Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.
Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.
I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.
Open relationships: either partner may want one
Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.
I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.
She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.
I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.
Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.
It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.
For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.
She said she knew we were a match regardless.
That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.
I see that now. You are on the same path.
• • •
Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.
A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.
Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.
Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.
That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.
Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.
But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.
Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.
People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.
Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.
While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.
I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.
But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.
Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner Being. I haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.
The best relationship I could ever want
My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.
This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.
What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.
I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.
These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.
Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!
What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.
Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.
I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.
Why? It’s not their job.
A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.
You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.
Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.
Which is why I started Positively Focused.
When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.
Bonus content:
After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”
The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.
Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.
The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.
Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.
If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.
Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.
