“This stuff makes no sense,” A client said. “It totally illogical. How do you know this stuff works?”
This client’s frustrated outburst is part of the path. In only six weeks their relationship transformed, they’re feeling more comfortable in their skin, feeling happier and more excited about life. They’re now pursuing dreams of becoming a well-paid musician by taking practical steps in that direction. Their life: better, their mood: more positive, their experience of life experience: more fun.
Why did such a question come up despite all this evidence?
In a word: momentum.
For a while it’s a roller coaster
When clients first start working with Positively Focused, they get excited. They see evidence of their life getting better everywhere. The more they alter their stories and perspectives, the more evidence they see.
At some point though, old stories reassert themselves. These old stories are living things, like everything else. They enjoy life energy they get when a person focuses their way. When a person stops focusing on old stories, they sort of push back. They don’t want to lose attention they once got.
When they push back, clients feel the negative emotion that comes with that. Momentum ensues and, before you know it, they forget evidence they created that excited them just days ago.
This is normal. It’s also why it helps having someone who’s walked the path and knows what to expect. That’s where I come in.
How do I know all this stuff works?
I know this stuff works because it’s working in my life. I know it works because my desires are coming true all around me. I know this stuff works because I feel excited about this work, I feel excited about life, about living, about the evidence happening in my life, both in physical and nonphysical. I’m excited because life feels so freaking great…and that’s because of this work.
In their frustration, this client couldn’t understand how I have insight to All That Is and “nonphysical”. They couldn’t understand how I speak so confidently about how the Universe works, how it’s designed by us to deliver all we want, and that life is supposed to be a positive adventure. They couldn’t understand how I could know something “limited human consciousness can’t possibly know.”
I told him the reason they can’t understand it is because they’re not yet where I am. I told them human consciousness is only limited when the human believes their consciousness is limited. The reason why I speak with such confidence, I told them, is because I’ve changed my stories, and my reality broadened to include awareness of the nonphysical world.
I have a third degree black belt in nine different martial arts. It took me about five years to get to that level. I once trained others in these schools. When I did, I spoke with the same clarity and confidence about that material as I do about “stories create your reality and here’s how.”
In the martial arts field, what separates my opinion from an opinion of a white belt, someone who is just starting or someone who has now experience at all? Experience, practice, knowledge and wisdom that comes from five years of personal experience with the material, with guidance from a 15 degree blackbelt who’s been training in this material over 35 years.
The same is true with this work. While others focus their attention on perhaps finding love, raising families, building careers, wealth and material satisfaction, I’ve focused my attention on epistemology and ontology using empirical methods applied across a wide variety of “spiritual” fields. I’ve been doing this at least since I was six.
Walking the path makes me an expert
So I am clear. I speak with confidence and clarity in this field in the same way I do in martial arts: I know because I’ve walked this path so long, I just know it.
The cool thing is, anyone can do what I do. With diligence and focus, anyone can have a life they love filled with everything they want and then show others how to get that. Life is meant to be lived happily. Do that and you’ll have a happy life. The question is, how do you “do that”?
That’s what I know and what I show my clients.
By the end of our time together, this client was back in their usual happy space born from doing the work for 12 weeks. They thanked me as my clients usually do: by telling me they love me.
I understand who and what people are. I relate to them from there. When I do, they feel that. When they feel that, they can’t help but express love for me. I’m loving them after all.
Frustration: that’s part of the path at first. Because I know this, I don’t let doubts about my credibility shake my confidence. I do the work, which is why I know what I know. And that’s why I can help people create lives they love.
This is a Positively Focused client. Like all of Positively Focused clients, he is getting immediate results in creating the relationship he wants. This is why I guarantee the process. It works.
My client is in a relationship with his son’s mother. Their relationship had been very rocky because our client was telling rocky stories about himself, about her and about his relationship. In three sessions, after cleaning up some of his unhelpful stories, his son’s mother started acting different. How? My client stepped into his Moment Of Becoming and created a new version of her.
In this clip, hear him settle into his reality-creation power. He creates people in his reality too, which is why his partner changes as well as his reality.
This client is now on his way to his dreams. He’s excited about the path and finds the work exhilarating, even while recognizing the work, in his words, can be a “blessing and a curse.”
I would say the work puts him where he belongs: at the center of the Universe, ongoingly creating the Universe that surrounds him. There, it does seem like a blessing…when creating the Universe on purpose.
When not creating on purpose, as the client says here, it becomes curse. Or I could say life shows clients how not creating reality on purpose leads to unnecessary turbulence in reality-creation.
The more my clients discover the joy of living in connection with their Broader Perspectives the more they get what they want. Then, living lives in created realities they don’t want feels awful. But that’s good: How else are my clients supposed to know when they’re creating on purpose, or creating through obliviousness?
Prospective clients sometimes ask about what client sessions are like. Some wonder what I do with clients. Let’s take that last question first.
I provide context where clients get clear about who and what they are. In that clarity, they find what I found in my own clarity: That they create their life experience ongoingly.
When they find that, life takes a turn. It becomes fulfilling, fun, fantasical seeming, although it’s not fantastical, it’s just how life works when Positively Focused.
Gradually clients enter their creative powers while learning, or re-learning how their creative powers work. They find happiness, freedom and joy.
I show clients their power and how to get it through a mystical experience that feels like a conversation.
Now the first question:
What are client sessions like?
Client sessions are conversations where I share insights about what my clients talk about. The insights open greater awareness, both for clients and for me. Since I give clients access to me through text and email as well as our in-person sessions, I can share an example of how a session sounds.
The following is an email from a client who lives with his wife. Married many years, Clifton (not his real name) now wants out. He wants out because he finds his situation, including his wife Margo (not her real name either), intolerable.
Behind Clifton’s perceptions are belief constellations creating his intolerable situations, including Margo. Clifton is on his eighth session. Already he’s seen seemingly extraordinary shifts in his wife. Only they are not extraordinary.
By learning how to create his reality on purpose, Clifton has created a new-to-him version of Margo and a new-to-him version of their marriage. Clifton wants his freedom. But he knows he can’t have that until he makes peace with his current reality.
Being Positively Focused does that. It also makes his experience of his changing reality more fun, as you’ll read from this email exchange. Clifton gave me permission to share this exchange provided I remove identifying details. The bolded sections are Clifton’s comments, with mine following.
It’s the dreading one feels liberated from
So, I paid my income taxes today. Almost $4500. I had been dreading it and still haven’t filled out a return (though now I have REAL motivation to do so, ha ha), and was thinking , “Send them a crumb” — which is how I’ve done it for years. Throw the wolves a bone now and again and they’ll back off for a while (until they get hungry again). This year, practically at the last minute, I threw them the whole carcass.
It was liberating. I realize that I’ve always felt “liberated” (at least temporarily) whenever I am able to pay these creditors off at the calends (first of the month), and then I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Gives one a feeling of power.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how something “dreaded” once done turns “dread” into “liberation”. Remember what emotions are about. Then ask yourself: what is it I feel liberation from? Is it really the taxes? Or is it the “dreadful” feeling, which indicates something important, and when freed from that you connect with something that feels comparatively liberating and powerful? Interesting thing to consider.
I have $50,000 tied up, but currently collecting nine percent annual interest compounded, some gold coins and another $10,000 currently tied up in the van (I cleaned it up and put a “For Sale” sign on it, but have yet to put an ad on Craigslist)
Most of the day was spent in that “Joy/Freedom” space. I had a good piano lesson with Sergi (graduate of a music academy in the old Soviet Union – can’t recall which, but it was a prestigious one). Earlier that day, I had been looking at a very wide screen monitor, 2nd hand at a local computer store. The store owner called me and informed be the price was almost $400 – more than I cared to pay, and I politely told him so and thanked him for getting in touch. I could have, of course – but I feel I should be spending those dollars on other things. Anyway, sure enough, I had a “hunch” on the way home and stopped at Goodwill. Found a working 48-in. TV that will double very nicely as an entertainment screen and a computer monitor. Price – $50. I liked that a whole lot better than $400. And it’s bigger. Yes, the stand’s a bit wobbly (probably why it was given away), but I imagine that’s just a matter of tightening a screw or two.
Nice job following the hunch. Life is an adventure, or can be, when one connects with All That Is and allows it to lead one to all one wants. It also becomes treasure hunt-ish. Who knows what lies around the next bend or building? And, the best footing from which to play the adventure is in “Joy/Freedom”. Absolutely.
Everyone seeks internal connection on their way…
Also feels good to me to reuse and/or repurpose something. That includes composting. I am not a fan of gardening (one source of conflict between Margo and I), but at least composting is a good way to make use of food that has “gone off” and would otherwise be wasted.
See the differing interests between you and Margo as wonderful sources of both joy and variety. Joy in that what you love you love and what she loves she loves…and you both get the same thing from both your loves: connection with your Broader Perspective.
Variety in that, in the relief of your partner’s passion, you, rather than being turned off by that, can turn instead (turn the other cheek) to YOUR passion and feel exactly what she feels when she’s tending to her plants: connection, flow, fun, exuberance.
Then, perhaps, you can feel appreciation – not conflict – when you turn back to what she enjoys, knowing she’s getting from her passion the same thing you get from yours and so your passion and hers are not all that dissimilar.
Not that it matters, or maybe it does – but I was in the market for a large monitor because as a composer, I often work with very large scores – and it is tremendously helpful to see as much of it as possible. Not practical on small monitors.
That you are “in the market” matters. You’re on your way…you’ve been on your way, but also have been resisting the “way”…to your dreams. The monitor is a manifestation – a sign post – indicating your waywardness. I use that word not in it’s traditional definition, which is negative, but in a new way, indicating “toward your way”. The way you connected with that TV indicates your “compliance” with your Broader Perspective.
And just as you were compliant [in such a way you realized previous, important manifestations] and now this manifestation, there will be many more instances of delight on your way….which is why life never creates wham-bang manifestations that happen in an instant like magic. Instant manifestation happens in nonphysical. But in the world of manifested things, All is set up so you can enjoy and savor the JOURNEY towards the destination. Each moment is a realization. The more you come into this conversation, the clearer your awareness and the more you’ll see this statement’s accuracy.
Most don’t see manifestation evidence because they don’t know what it looks like
This week, I also had the impulse to add something to an unrelated tweet [on Twitter]. Some actor had put himself out there, advising any directors or producers of his availability and experience. I retweeted and added that if anyone was looking for a great film composer, please consider me – and added links to samples of my work on YouTube. A couple of people retweeted it…usually, I don’t hold out much hope for these sort of things, but one never knows…trying to stay open to the possibilities.
This is a great example of your mixed energies. You don’t hold out much hope, but at the same time you “never know”. So you took action based on hope/who knows…and you saw a tiny manifestation of desire (that someone retweeted the tweet) outweighing your disbelief [expressed as “don’t hold out much hope”. Most miss these instances of evidence. Now you know it’s more evidence of you on your way. Nice.
Like the double recliner I bought for what I plan to be my “apartment/suite.” I sleep best in a recliner, which are typically for one — but when I saw it, I started thinking, “Hmmm…what if I get lucky?” Wouldn’t want to live with someone in that space (it’s pretty small), but it could be a nice place to entertain… 😆
Enjoy this unfolding process right up until you wake one morning with someone beside you and you get how you manifested them as you manifested the recliner! Objects, people, circumstances…the entire Universe: at your command.
Margo and I have been getting on better, I think. Monday evening, she apologized for being short with me earlier, but she had been feeling poorly (infected insect bites) and just wanted to do the Garbot thing (“I vant to be alone!”) I told her I felt her pain and understood completely – but in the future, please just come out and say that. I’ll respect it. (Actually, I’m glad to, ha ha)
I’m sure you would be happy to respect it. Isn’t it nice to see the movement forward with her? And didn’t it confirm our conversation about her that whenever someone appears upset with you, it’s never about you? It’s about THEM. ALWAYS.
Their connection (or rather their LACK of connection) to their Inner Being…that’s always the source of negative emotion. So next time you can know…and accept…and then run for the hills, when she indicates disconnection through ornery emotional expression!
Her infection and current state of well-being is also why I am yet again postponing telling her we need to get a divorce. Yes, because I think we have grown in different directions and neither of us are happy in the relationship the way we should be. Officially however, it is for financial reasons.
I have consulted with lawyers and financial advisers, and they basically say the same thing – I will be better able to provide for her if she is not my legal spouse. There is nothing illegal about it, couples often do it because one needs disability payments and it is impossible for one spouse to totally support the disabled one. Also true if they continue to cohabit. I knew someone who continued to live with his ex. And of course, we haven’t shared a room for years – and soon, I’ll have a whole space, complete with kitchen and bath, to myself. I have put this off for way too long. And I need to do it like, yesterday. But she’s feeling bad right now, and she’s not terribly stable in general. I am afraid for her.
“Fear” is an emotion. Fear for another indicates you, looking at another and seeing that person differently from how your Broader Perspective sees that same person. Yes, there are aspects of reality you think confirm the “truth” of what you think might happen if she were on her own. And, your strong fear indicates you creating a reality in which you get to witness her being exactly as you are creating her.
And…there’s another version of her you could draw to you and so experience. The same way you’ve done with her and her disconnection caused from insect bites. You are allowing more of the person you know her to be to shine through. But for now, it’s prudent to proceed on this path. It is, for both of you, the path with the least angst. Always a good idea: following that path.
Everything you want is right on your path
Eventually, I really don’t want to be living under the same roof with her – but for now, I have been attempting to rebuild some kind of relationship so she knows she’s cared about and won’t have to worry about her basic needs and won’t be abandoned to fend for herself (at this point, it would be like abandoning a child).
Anyway – this is how I must present it. As a strictly financial decision. Nothing else changes. We continue going on as we have, living in the same house (which will continue to be community property). She remains my sole heir and beneficiary. She’ll be able to get disability payments and EBT and remain eligible for Medicaid.
The difference is, I’m a free man. Period. What I will do with that freedom or how it will play out, I have no idea, but I’m staying open. She’ll be free as well. Gods know, I’ve tried to encourage her in her writing, and mostly the way she relates to animals. If there was an office of Ambassador to the Animal World (or at least carnivores, bovines and equines), Margo would do the job better than anyone else I know.
All this is good stuff. Mahayana Buddhists would say you’re being her Bodhisattva in creating such a caring landscape for her. It is good as I know you feel good taking this path.
Encourage her in thought, but don’t voice them. Let her and her Inner Being come to the realization wherein she puts her passions into practice and from that she creates a whole new world where money comes into her life easily and swiftly.
Sometimes, I think she’d be happier with her brother, running his huge ranch cabin as a B&B, taking care of the horses and the sheep and the dogs and cats. It’s what she spends most of her time and energy on anyway (and she complains about it, but I usually tease her, “You know you love it!”) So that’s where things stand…I’ve asked that “Broader Perspective” of mine to let me know when the right moment to announce the divorce is. About all I can do at this point.
Yes. As with the saw, as with the TV, as with everything you want, this is the best path. Do so and watch how easy the conversation goes. The more experiences like these you have, the more convinced you’ll become that this is the only way you want to live: surprised and delighted. Which is how you knew your experience would be when you first decided to come into physical reality.
I love working with my clients. I love it when they offer open doors through which come amazing insights. I know beliefs create my reality. I show my clients how this works. From that, they get amazing lives. Sometimes that’s immediate. Other times, it takes awhile. But everyone gets it. What delights me most is when I delight myself with what comes out of my mouth, or in this case, my fingers…lol.…
What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.
Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?
No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.
My recent relationship taught me that. 😂 ❤️👍🏾
· · ·
Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.
Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.
But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.
I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.
For a while she appreciated all that.
Then it got too much for her.
Relationships are nice-to-haves
I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.
As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.
There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.
So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love for me is enough. When it pores through me I become that. Pure love.
So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?
Thoughts make reality
My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works.
When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.
Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.
In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from that fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.
Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.
Unchecked my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.
Thoughts come from somewhere
Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.
Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.
So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.
That’s how it works.
I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.
Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.
So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.
Love happens best when alone
Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these in this blog.
Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.
Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.
This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.
So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.
She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety.
She said our relationship would fail.
I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.
For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.
As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.
For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.
That’s what happened for me with Lauren. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?
It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.
Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.
The end of my marriage started with my wife wanting an open relationship. It was the best thing that happened in our marriage.
Through her desire for an open relationship, I found the best relationship ever.
Many people going through what I went through feel scared, or insecure or betrayed. I felt eagerness. What did I know that others don’t? Something extraordinary was happening.
Feeling fear, insecurity or betrayal, you miss the extraordinary.
I started Positively Focused so people could get what I got: When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or vice versa, an extraordinary thing is happening.
Open relationships: either partner may want one
Many years ago, it was me who wanted an open relationship. My wife (now ex-wife) and I were in counseling, doing what many couples do: trying to fix things not needing fixing.
I married her because she needed to be married. I loved her, but that’s not why I married her. I didn’t want to be married.
She did not like not being married. I’m always the bridesmaid but never the bride, she’d say. Her mother convinced her she’d never get married. Her mother claimed her daughter had unlovable qualities. That’s accurate. But ironically, those qualities came from her mother.
I know now everyone chooses their parents. My then wife chose her’s and the path we walked together. She didn’t know this during our early years together. Neither did I.
Back then I thought “maybe I could help her get over this upbringing by doing the one thing that would show her mother she was wrong.” So I gave her what she wanted. A ring and a marriage.
It didn’t help. That complaint went away. But other things happening in my wife, and in me, made our relationship….let’s call it…typical.
For one, when we met, I was looking for a transgender partner. She was looking for a woman. I am out and proud about my trans-attraction, having created a website, The Transamorous Network. My online dating profile clearly expressed my preference.
She said she knew we were a match regardless.
That’s true. We weren’t a marriage match. We were a match for other reasons. Reasons driving us both towards our authentic selves.
I see that now. You are on the same path.
• • •
Don’t think this is unusual. Many things bring couples to the alter. My father, for example, once married a foreigner so she could stay in the US. I know a guy who married a transgender woman for the same reasons. They don’t live together. Never have.
A Transamorous Network client of mine, who is himself trans-attracted, knew he was trans-attracted well before marrying his cisgender wife. He married her anyway. He feared telling her the truth because he didn’t want to lose her. It’s not likely their counseling will fare any better than me and my ex-wife’s.
Many people marry while not wanting monogamy. But like my trans-attracted client, many people hide who they are out of insecurity or inauthenticity. Some people not wanting monogamy get married anyway. Marriage will test inauthenticity. My client couldn’t handle being inauthentic. So he (seemingly unwittingly) sabotaged his marriage. He hooked up with a trans sex worker who outed him on Facebook.
Your life experience trumps your marriage. It (your life experience) demands your authentic self. It finds ways around your inauthenticity so your authenticity can shine.
That’s the purpose of all human relationships: they point us to our authentic selves. They aren’t meant to give us love, belonging companionship and security, although some do temporarily. Relationships are processes. They’re verbs. Not nouns.
Most believe relationships endure. “Death do us part” go the vows.
But relationships are “until growth do us part”. You may ask, growth towards what? Towards greater authenticity.
Some people understand this: relationships reflect who we as individuals are. They do that so we live authentically. Relationships represent physical examples of our inner ideals, concepts and beliefs about ourselves. Those ideals, concepts and beliefs get presented to us through our relationship dynamic, warts and all.
People get bored in their relationships because their relationships have become, as someone I respect says, “like gum you’ve chewed all the flavor out of.” When someone decides it’s time for a new piece of gum, relationship-wise, it means they’re growing into more of who they are.
Open relationships do what one-on-one relationships do, times 1,000.
One way or another it’s going to happen
While in counseling, I wanted my wife and I to explore open relationships together. But I knew back then she wasn’t ready. She was far too insecure to give that a try. Later, when she decided she was going to have an open relationship, it was no question whether we’d do it together. She was going to do it. Without me.
I think she justified her decision by first telling me I could sleep with whoever I wanted. I described how that happened here. It was effortless how it happened from my perspective.
But, by the time it happened, I was so far into the spiritual life evidenced by this blog, I wasn’t interested.
Instead, the growth that had my wife demand and act on her open relationship desires, flung me further into my relationship with my Inner Being. I haven’t looked back. And I regret none of the journey.
The best relationship I could ever want
My Inner Being relationship brings more satisfaction, joy, peace, security and a sense of invulnerability no other relationship can match. What’s more, my Inner Being relationship allows a reality, a life experience, in which everything I want comes so easily, it’s ridiculous. I write about these experiences in this blog.
This Inner Being relationship enriches me spiritually too. New dimensions I discover about me and life astonish me daily. I can’t imagine a human-human relationship matching that.
What’s really interesting though is how much love I feel. I feel a total, unconditional love moving through me…for me…from me…from my Inner Being.
I get it now. Through my experience with my wife’s desire for an open relationship, I now have the best relationship I could ever want. It’s not with another person. It’s with me. The inevitability is clear. I got the best life through my wife having sex with other men.
These days, for me, people relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with me.
Think about it: what human being can and will give me literally whatever I want? No one!
What relationship with another human can give me the unconditional love I feel from my Inner Being? A wife is not going to do that. A husband won’t. It’s not another person’s job to orchestrate the Universe in ways that bring me what I want. Or to give me unconditional love.
Love I might get from people can’t match what I get from my Inner Being. My Inner Being relationship makes being in relationship with another person…well, not as high-falutin’ as society makes it.
I know that’s because generally, people don’t understand love, let alone why we have emotions in the first place. They don’t understand unconditional love. Another person will never love you unconditionally.
Why? It’s not their job.
A lot of relationships are based on that premise though. That’s what relationship failure looks like before a relationship fails – people looking for (unconditional) love in the wrong place: other people.
You get that from yourself. Not others. Getting lasting, inexhaustible love from yourself not only is easy, with results that are immediate, it’s also fun. You’d think it magical, if it weren’t so eminently logical. It starts with being Positively Focused.
Many people going through what I went through feel scared, insecure, betrayed or some other negative emotion. They don’t know something extraordinary can come from what’s happening. So they get pain and frustration instead of joy and freedom.
Which is why I started Positively Focused.
When your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when you want one and they don’t, you’ve come to a crossroads. What happens next can be extraordinary.
After writing this I received a question: “But what if I want to keep my marriage?”
The answer is, “That depends on how you think about marriage”. You can keep your marriage. But not if you think that means it stays how it was, with the person you’re with.
Marriage brings comfort, security, peace, relief from being alone, perhaps, companionship, and sexual satisfaction (for a while). But a person doesn’t need “marriage” or a relationship to have these things. In fact, relying on another (through a relationship) to get these things is a sure recipe to sooner or later, lose them.
The best place to get these things is from yourself. When you do, people relationships that come through that connection are far stronger and more satisfying.
Remember, your marriage or any relationship reflects back to you stories you’re telling that create the marriage. Fixing your marriage doesn’t work if you’re oblivious to stories you’re telling that create the marriage you have.
If you leave your current relationship or marriage for another, while not doing anything about the stories, you’re just going to get more of what you had. Only with a different person. Or a number of different persons. Open relationships don’t solve anything. Nothing needs solving.
Stories create reality. Change reality by changing stories you tell about reality. Including the reality that is your marriage.
Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.
But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.
This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee our results.
Let’s get started.
• • •
By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.
Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative explanations about why. Explanations about the experience. Explanations about himself. Negative explanations about the Positively Focused approach.
Joe’s grumpiness matched all these beliefs. He thought something went wrong with the framework.
Nothing went wrong.
Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. The key to Joe finding his perfect relationship is, he must become a match to that relationship.
Joe is not yet a match to what he wants. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is now. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.
The framework works. That doesn’t mean Joe liked what he saw.
Had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.
Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.
The relationship with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering beliefs.
And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those beliefs.
For example, Joe moved too fast. His beliefs about relationship scarcity had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.
Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.
After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone else. But the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life. He’s also focused on the absence of relationships.
So he doesn’t have any.
When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match Joe’s beliefs though. 😃
• • •
Beliefs create reality. Belief momentum can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.
To slow old belief momentum, a person must create new beliefs. New beliefs which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old belief momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.
Joe didn’t focus on new beliefs after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old belief momentum.
It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions in the first place. We offer our framework for that reason.
So rather than focusing on new beliefs he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old ones to continue creating his reality.
Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed.
He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and impatience) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old beliefs are creating. Realities not matching what he wants.
Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions the way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.
Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old beliefs.
For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her.
That didn’t go well.
Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative beliefs about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior brings relief, people drink to numb the emotion.
But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to beliefs. That momentum draws to it beliefs like it. Beliefs are living things. Not just words. Beliefs like company. They draw to themselves beliefs like themselves. That’s how Belief Constellations happen.
That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.
Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s beliefs. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his beliefs create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.
To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.
• • •
By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.
One day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.
Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.
That belief can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.
Joe left session nine pretty negative.
If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His beliefs are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in how beliefs create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own living laboratory how beliefs do that.
He’s not happy about that.
But this is the process. It’s how it works.
I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his beliefs about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.
Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his beliefs as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his beliefs have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other belief he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.
And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living laboratory, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so they become beliefs. When that happens, one’s reality changes to match the new stories.
Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.
Including their ideal partner.
Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.
In only six sessions learning the Positively Focused approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal woman.
In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.
Joe (not his real name), contacted us through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a specific kind of woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.
But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.
Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him the next step was worth the money. So he engaged us in our 1:1 offer.
• • •
The first few sessions involved exploring beliefs producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls late at night or in early morning dark hours.
Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like crap. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of beliefs about relationships and life, and women too. About himself too.
We explored how his beliefs create these experiences. Joe realized beliefs he didn’t know he had. Beliefs triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same beliefs creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.
Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Beliefs triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. That belief is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”
• • •
I know how deep beliefs can be. They connect with other beliefs, creating Belief Constellations or weaving through and shaping life experience.
It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.
No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.
At Positively Focused, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.
Beliefs create our reality. This includes beliefs we focus on before becoming human. These beliefs set up birth circumstances. Including the parents we are born to.
I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.
I know when you pull at one belief, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running beliefs. Beliefs about his unworthiness as a person. Beliefs about how the women he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Beliefs about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.
In other words, beliefs a lot of humanity secretly shares. Some beliefs you may share.
What’s great about this work is, once beliefs get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new beliefs get born from that exposure. Those new beliefs can create explosive positive results.
That’s what happened to Joe.
• • •
Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets women at night.
“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”
I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their beliefs. But I was also concerned about Joe.
That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old beliefs are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own beliefs. Beliefs matching Joe’s. Beliefs she may not be aware of.
So I clued him in:
Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”
Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.
“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”
Joe added that he already can see how his beliefs about women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”
I know the Positively Focused approach is not mainstream. That’s why Positively Focused guarantees results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your beliefs so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.
But so is everything else you’ve wanted in life. Minus the struggle. Minus the sacrifice.
I’ve found the best relationship fosters the greatest freedom. The best relationship therefore is the one I have with me. My Personal Trinity.
Relationships with other people can’t match it.
But when I prioritize my relationship with my Inner Being, all other relationships get better. Or they disappear from my life experience. Or they’re replaced by better versions of themselves.
It’s hard describing with accuracy how great my relationship with me feels. Like the feeling of love or bliss, it defies description.
I can say prioritizing my Inner Being relationship required owning parts of me I avoided. Like how powerful I am. Like knowing I created the life experience I’ve had, including the people in it. And knowing I can create any reality I want. No matter my current reality.
It also required accepting other parts of me. Authentic parts. Accepting them fully.
That I prefer being free. Meaning, preferring something other than constraints marriage brings.
That I find transgender women smart, beautiful and extraordinary.
That the mainstream binary spectrum doesn’t define me.
Making my relationship with me my priority blew up my marriage. That’s right. I knew for a while it was coming. It was not ever intending to last. It was temporary as all things are. She filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I’m sure it’s final now. We’re both moving forward. And that’s great. It was a learning experience for both parties.
I know divorce happened because my relationship with me became more important than my marriage. Examined from a Positively Focused perspective my marriage played its part in my unmarriedness.
It offered so much authenticity I realized what I wanted. And marriage was not it.
I also realized how deep, fulfilling and rewarding my relationship with me is. So marriage served a glorious purpose.
As all life experience does.
My new, post-marriage life already has brought monumental evidence. Evidence supporting prioritizing my me/me relationship. It comes like a slow motion avalanche. In quantities sufficient to astound but not overwhelm.
I manifested paying work as soon as I needed it
I manifested an awesome living place. It’s beautifully furnished and owned by landlords aligned with Positive Focus.
I live within biking distance of every grocer I like shopping at. I’m also walking distance to many places I enjoy visiting. Including parks, water spots, and tea shops.
I have all I need to move forward with my projects including my 1:1 Spiritual Mentoring. There’s ample space to make videos, and blazing fast internet (included in the rent). Most of my mentoring I do online.
And, several people, bringing differing levels of intimacy have replaced my marriage. That’s a far better fit to what and who I am than being tied to one person.
I know beliefs I hold create my life experience. The more Positively Focused I become the better my life goes.
When it comes to people relationships, Seth describes what happens when a person makes their me/me relationship a top priority:
People with like ideas reinforce each other’s beliefs. You may meet with some misunderstanding when you suddenly decide to change your reality by changing your beliefs—according to the circumstances, you may be going in a completely different direction than [your spouse]. The others may feel it necessary to defend ideas that both of you previously took for granted. In such cases your beliefs merged. Each individual has his or her own ideas about reality for reasons that seem valid. Needs are met. When you abruptly change your beliefs, then in the [marriage] you no longer have the same position—you are not playing that game any longer…you may suddenly cease to provide for [your spouse] a need that you satisfied earlier. This affects both intimate behavior and, say, social interactions. Others, sharing your new beliefs, will gravitate toward you and you to them.
The quote is playing out in my life.
· · ·
One belief we humans share is relationships with other people complete us somehow. Like without a relationship, we’re not whole.
It’s a strong belief.
What I’ve learned is, that yearning is real.
But as I try filling it with another person I’m asking for trouble. Because people aren’t here to satisfy that yearning. They have their own path. Their own experience. Their own reality.
That yearning is natural. It’s normal. And it’s meant to direct me to the relationship that brings everything I want. Including, ironically, fulfilling relationships with other people.
I prioritize that relationship because my Inner Being not only knows what I want. It knows the “where” the “when” and the “how” to get those things. That leaves me worry-free. It leaves me not needing any of those answers about anything I want.
When I follow my intuition, which is how my Inner Being communicates, I get those things. It handles the “where” the “when” and the “how”.
My job: finding ways to synchronize with my Inner Being focus. When I do that, what I want happens in delightful ways, yes. But also with little effort, struggle and sacrifice.
When I’m not synchronized with my Inner Being, life happens how it does for most people. With a lot of blame, judgement, demanding, frustration, annoyance, impatience, pain, hard work, struggle, sacrifice, anxiety and more. Absent all that, I find continual freedom, joy and happiness.
And, yes, everything else I want too. Including great relationships, and material things, including money.
I think it’s worth giving up yearning for human relationships.
Besides, what human-to-human relationship can match what my Inner Being brings? When I get that relationship right, right relationships come into my life.
That’s why I call my relationship with my Inner Being the best relationship.