Several people bursted into a fight outside my apartment yesterday morning. It was intense. “Ass” “bitch” and “nigger” flew from mouths with extreme vitriol. A woman was in pain. I didn’t hear the man as much. She took all the airtime and used that to take out all the compassion that probably once existed between them.
The argument sparked as I sat cross-legged in meditation. At first it distracted me. I sat contemplating dreams I had just moments before I awoke. But then I allowed an important, accurate realization; The fact that these furious people existed in my experience meant that what was happening outside my apartment also was happening inside me.
At that moment I stopped contemplating dreams. I gave my full meditative focus to the fight. Not the one out there, but the one in me, the one that had me a match to that experience outside. After all, that experience is in my awareness because something in me has me being a match to that.
Spiritual alchemy
That’s when I recalled a moment, not my best moment, when I was like those people outside my apartment. My ex-wife and I, ironically, had just came from an Abraham seminar. This was near the end of that marriage and we both were raw; not unlike those arguing outside this morning. And, like those folks, my ex and I got into an intense argument, again, not unlike what I witnessed this morning. All in a public space.
Recalling this, I got how I was a match to this fight unfolding outside my apartment. And so, like I did with my client this past week, I allowed myself to rise to an even higher vibration. One not of compassion for those folks, but of clarity that their experience, as awful as it may be for them right now, was a gift of transmutation, of spiritual alchemy, for me.
So I blessed them.
I knew in doing so, my high vibration, somehow, would influence their fight. Sure enough, right at that moment, their fight ended and calm returned outside. As that happened, a deep peace came over me. The same peace I felt when I reflected well-being to that client this week and her allergy symptoms went away.
A Return to Source
I know I am everything in my experience. Everything in my experience is a reflection of what’s inside me. Because of that, I can bring, what some people like to call, healing to the world. But only my inner world, which then gets reflected in the world outside, which is a reflection of the one inside.
Is it really “healing” though? That implies something is broken and that is never the case. What it really is, is personal expansion, a return to dynamic balance with the pure positive energy of All That Is, aided by the external reflection humans want to call physical reality.
I love knowing this. I love my experience this morning that had me come to such clarity. And I know in some small way, I changed the trajectory of those two who were in so much pain.
TL;DR: The author argues for being selfish as the way to create a happy life for everyone. They share a client’s experience in creating happiness to illustrate and support his argument.
Let’s talk about relationships. There’s a lot to talk about here. Mainly because humans feel relationships are one of the most, if not the most, important things. After all, we are told, we need relationships to be happy. Everything we do, need and want, it seems, comes through relationships. It is relationships with others that create community. Such relationships also create safety, belonging and a whole lot more.
And, if we’re honest with ourselves, relationships also offer the worst in humanity. Relationships with others are the framework through which some of humanity’s worst traits surface. Greed, conflict, psychopathy and violence all would be meaningless were it not for relationships.
So relationships aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, as the saying goes. We all know this. Just ask Israelis and the Palestinians. Relationships can suck. And yet, a lot about what we seem to be (human) seems to compel us toward relationships. Especially relationships with other humans.
There’s a far more satisfying and powerful relationship, however, one through which everything we want comes. It’s so all-encompassing, we literally can’t survive without it. And when we prioritize that relationship above all else, we can live our wildest dreams.
That relationship is what I’m writing about today.
Let’s dive in.
Over all else
The relationship I’m referring to has nothing to do with a god, especially the Christian god or Jesus. But this relationship does tap into the power Christians ascribe to their god.
The trouble with this relationship is, it’s as plain as the nose on our faces, and yet, we invariably prioritize other relationships ahead of it. And that out-of-whack prioritization creates all the troubles we have in other relationships. That’s because that which we could enjoy a relationship with wants our undivided attention. When we put our attention there, un-dividedly, everything else in life flows easily.
What relationship could I possibly be referring to?
The relationship with ourselves.
That’s right, there’s no better, no more powerful relationship than the relationship with ourselves. The reason why is because everything we see “out there” in the world springs from this relationship. So when we get this relationship where it should be – as our number one priority – then everything “out there” falls in line.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. That would be magic and magic isn’t a thing. But when a person prioritizes themselves over all else, then gradually, all else reflects the improvement inherent in prioritizing a relationship with themselves over all else!
Selfishness: a virtue
That seems like circular logic, but, as I’ve written before, the Universe and All That Is functions in a circular logic way. All That Is exists to joyfully know itself. The paradox of that is, the more it seeks to know itself, the more of itself it creates. This process makes All That Is – and you and me – eternal. So the more All That Is seeks to know itself, it creates more of itself to know. That’s the glorious circular process often described in ancient teachings.
Now, some might argue that prioritizing one’s self over others leads to selfishness. I completely agree. But I know selfishness is not bad. In fact, it’s the best way to be – oriented solely to self. Because when one lives that way, they discover everything else, including other people, are able to take care of themselves, leaving the person free to be, enjoy and lavish their life.
Indeed, when we put ourself first in all things, we stop trying to change circumstances over which we have no control. Letting go of such tasks feels better and better. And when we feel better, the world around us reflects that better mood back to us. It reflects it in ever-improving life experiences.
So, really, we have control of all of our experience because experience reflects back to us our inner state. And when we prioritize our inner state – our relationship with ourselves – then our life experiences reflect that improved inner state.
We also emanate love and other higher emotions. That’s because when we seek to know ourselves, which is aligned with what the Universe does always, we can’t help but feel the eternal joy that is Universal consciousness.
Put it to the test
That previous section may sound like a bunch of “New Age” hooey. But when practiced, over time, it proves accurate. Abraham says “Words don’t teach. Life experience does”. That means I can write forever about how powerful what you’re reading is. But nothing compares to evidence produced by your lived experience.
So if you’re having trouble believing this stuff, I suggest you prove it to yourself. Become the evidence you wish to see, as Eckart Tolle puts it.
So how do we prioritize the relationship with ourselves?It doesn’t seem easy when the entire outside world encourages prioritizing others over ourselves. So it takes practice. It helps to know that a “self” exists in us worthy of our undivided attention. That “self” is the “god in human form” I write about in this blog. Discovering its existence is easy.
The best way to do that is by testing Positively Focused premises, which are summed up in the phrase “you create your reality”. As a person tests these premises, they create or manifest, experiences, people and things, that come in surprising, seemingly coincidental ways.
But when so many of such manifestations happen over and over, the person must acknowledge something other than “coincidence” is at work. That acknowledgement is just like acknowledging there is a self worthy of having a relationship with. Paradoxically, the person testing these premises, once they start seeing things happen, will want more things to happen. As more happens, they also get more bold: they want bigger things to happen.
As their desires grow in scale or magnitude, their trust grows. Their trust in themselves and in this self they are building a relationship with.
Betrayal births bitterness
Growing that relationship brings a necessary letting go of beliefs keeping us all prioritizing others over ourselves. As we let go of them, we might have to face hard-seeming choices. Sometimes that looks like cutting off certain people, including family members. Sometimes it looks like making pretty sweeping career changes.
For example, a client recently faced having to cut off her daughter. Her daughter, the epitome of a hellion, raked the client over all kinds of emotional coals throughout their 20-year relationship. The client believed she had to be there for her daughter, despite the poor treatment, because that’s “what parents should do”.
Little did she know she created the belief “that’s what parents should do” after her parents did something the client considered unconscionable.
Throughout her youth, her parents promised her they’d save for and pay for her college. But when the client was 16, the parents reneged on their promise. The client had to pay her own way. Because of this she felt her parents betrayed her. She bitterly resented their decision and that bitterness festered within her.
Prioritizing ourselves sometimes requires hard-seeming choices. (Photo by Courtney Kammers on Unsplash)
An angel disguised as a hellion
The betrayal was personal for her. So, when she had a child out of wedlock, something she didn’t want in the first place, the client swore to “make things right” by not doing to her daughter what her parents did to her.
The problem with all of that is the Universe has an amusing way of showing us all how such beliefs aren’t in our best interest. In the clients case, the Universe gave her a hellion. And boy, did this young person torture my client in so many ways!
She was making the client miserable. Little did the client realize, her daughter was an angel the client sent herself. The angel’s mission: to teach the client she has everything she needs within her, to stop blaming her parents, and to put herself first.
After weeks of learning to prioritize herself through the Positively Focused Way, the client, after one particularly harrowing conversation with her daughter, decided to put herself first. She cut her daughter off.
The relief she felt was immediate. And, as days went by, her relief grew.
Doubling down
Thirty days in, she was feeling great. But then, her old created reality, born of her belief “that’s what parents should do” reasserted itself. Her daughter reached out. The client felt pulled by her belief to reconnect. Which is what she did. This is not unusual.
Typically, when this kind of thing happens, a client will have an epiphany making their life much better. But then, old belief momentum draws them back into their old way of being, the way of being they left behind. This dynamic always shows the client why they would have been better off not letting that happen.
But there’s no way clients can get it wrong. For these kinds of “set backs” actually amplify their commitment to put themselves first. Which is exactly what happened with this client.
That reconnection was horrible. And it reminded the client what had been absent for 30 days. It also put those past 30 days of relief, peace and ease in proper perspective. She wanted more of that. So she doubled down on cutting her daughter off.
The way to relief
Two weeks after her recommitment her husband said something remarkable over dinner.
“You seem really happy,” the client said her husband said. The client told her husband she did feel happy, happier than she had in decades. The husband credited that return to happiness to his wife cutting her daughter off. But the client knew it was primarily because she was putting herself first and that caused her to make a choice she otherwise would not have been able to do.
A week later, her husband once again noticed.
“It’s so good seeing you so happy,” he said. The client replied that she was returning to the self she knew before her daughter “happened”.
Now, it’s not that the client dislikes her daughter. She loves her and wants the best for her. But she realizes that, to be happy, she must put herself first. And when she does that, she thrives. And as she thrives, eventually, so will her daughter. That must happen because the client’s experience and everything in it, including her daughter, reflects back to her her inner state. Her daughter’s behavior was reflecting turmoil within the client. Turmoil born of expecting her parents to have put her first, when, obviously, they couldn’t.
Their decision not to pay for their child’s college was the right thing: they had to put themselves first. The client was making them wrong for doing what they knew was right. And so, the Universe, through her daughter, was showing the client the way to relief.
It’s all choice
And that’s the thing about realizing what comes from putting ourselves first. We realize no one is responsible for our happiness but us. And, no one can make us happy but us. Any other happiness source is fleeting, capricious and fickle. As such, such happiness sources are not in our best interest to put before the one relationship that really matters.
Meanwhile, as I mentioned before, everything in our experience improves when we do this. And so, the client’s daughter’s life must also improve, as she learns what her mother did: That she must put herself first and stop relying on her mother for her happiness…or anything else, including tuition, food and rent.
Relationships, from the Positively Focused Practice perspective, are not about people coming together, planning together, working out problems, coming up with solutions together, compromising, and investing in and extracting from each other what they need, all while claiming to love one another. Rather, each person is 100 percent responsible as a creator for creating the best version of their life and any relationship for THEMSELVES.
When they do that, the whole world improves, but only for that person. In the meantime, those choosing a different life way fade out of that person’s experience. Then those reflecting the person’s choice show up as reflections of that made choice.
This explains why so much variety in life experience exists. It’s not luck. Nor is it fate. What it is is people choosing, either deliberately or not, then the world reflecting the nature of that choice.
It’s all about unconditional love
This means, first cultivating a strong relationship with one’s self is paramount. When that happens, life reflects back to the person only the best things in life, because that’s just what happens when one puts themselves first.
Then, and only then, can a person create better versions of life AND better versions of people in their lives. They create versions of people by coming into the presence of another with their relationship with themselves so secure, that that other person has no choice but to reflect back to the creator a version of them matching what’s going on in the creator.
And when the creator achieves that, sees the person exhibiting the version of themselves the creator envisioned, and then revels in that, the manifestation of evidence of their creation, then that person being created feels that reveling as unconditional love for them. And that changes that person irreparably.
That’s why selfishness is so important. It can literally change human relationships. It does that through love, which is what ourselves have in abundance for us.
And that’s how we can influence others in the best way. “Influence” happens whether we know we’re doing it or not. Unfortunately, for most of us, we’re using that influence by recreating versions of people we don’t like, by complaining about their behavior, wishing they were someone that they’re not, or complaining in general.
Meanwhile the one relationship that empowers us to have a different experience of all we experience awaits us. That relationship is all unconditional love. And when we prioritize that relationship, we become that: Unconditional love.
TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem the author says. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower us?
In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.
Why humans vaunt vulnerability
Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. We praise it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it can be terrifying.
But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:
So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do people vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.
It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?
Rejection inherent in vulnerability
The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.
But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.
In other words, the myth of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, for example, and the whole calculus changes.
What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.
That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.”
So let’s unpack that.
Our thoughts make it so
In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a simple reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.
What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.
Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.
We can see, then, the act of rejection isn’t bad, instead it’s what we think of it that makes it bad. The same is true for being vulnerable. It’s the thought about being vulnerable that makes it so scary. Our thoughts about it make being vulnerable a vaunted thing as well.
As we say all day every day here at Positively Focused, our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.
Preferring rejection
Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain by being that way, I would suggest many more people would be authentic.
Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.
Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of thoughts around authenticity so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.
That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.
So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.
Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)
Finding power in changed belief
Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad: rejection. From the Positively Focused perspective, however, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs.
If that’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. And that explains why so many fear being vulnerable. It also explains why it feels scary.
Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.
Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.
Beliefs matter…a lot
So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.
The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.
In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a myth. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.
And if that relationship matches what we want, is risk needed? I don’t think so.
Rather than experience risk and fear at being vulnerable, I suggest we give up this myth. Let’s replace it with something better. Something like knowing we create our reality. And the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships.
By “true” I mean being positive, happy and easy. Easy with ourselves and easy with others, so that we create an easy life. One in which we can be ourselves. An in doing that have everything we want.
TLDR: Relationship Anarchy (RA) challenges traditional relationship norms by advocating for love without entitlement and relationships defined by personal values. However, the term’s negative connotations and anarchist affiliations have created misunderstandings. Despite RA’s merits, it cannot eclipse the ultimate relationship with one’s Broader Perspective, which provides unconditional love and fulfillment beyond what any human partnership can offer.
A relatively new relationship dynamic is emerging. More people find it a satisfying way to express themselves romantically and intimately while finding companionship. It’s called Relationship Anarchy (RA).
In this post we’re going to look at this new dynamic relationship model. Instead of getting into it deeply, we will compare it to what we recommend regarding relationships. That’s because, it’s a definite improvement on humanity’s past “success” with relationships. But it still falls short of the ultimate relationship: that one relationship that gives us everything we want. Including satisfying relationships.
So let’s take a look at Relationship Anarchy. Then let’s contrast that against the ultimate relationship. The only one through which we get everything we want.
What is RA?
Andie Nordgren coined the phrase Relationship Anarchy in 2006. Her English manifesto on the matter, written in 2012, gives broad strokes on what it looks like. The way Andie describes it, RA sounds great!
Among the broad strokes is the assertion that love is abundant. RA says entitlement runs rampant in traditional relationships and that entitlement should be replaced with love and respect. Andie recommends that people define their values, then use frequent communication to infuse their relationship with those values, alongside a partner who shares them.
The biggest shift from traditional relationships is Andie’s suggestion to “customize” one’s relationship and commitment. Rather than relying on social norms, Andie says, we should define our relationship on our own terms while ignoring society’s expectations.
It’s no wonder then that Wikipedia includes RA in its non-monogamy andpolyamory series.
Anarchist affiliations…not good
And while Andie describes it optimistically without comparing it to something else, Wikipedia takes a different tack. And this is where problems start to show up.
That’s because the word “anarchy” itself is problematic. It brings a lot of bad interpretations to the table. Further, most people familiar with the term see anarchy as destructive. Even though anarchists claim the concept to be quite constructive. Historically, the movement has not been constructive, however.
The result is anarchy is seen predominantly as “anti-“. It’s also often associated with violence.
We can’t be “anti” something without enflaming that thing we’re against. Which explains why anarchists have made virtually no progress in creating society based on its merits.
And that brings us back to RA. And Wikipedia.
The anti relationship
The Wikipedia entry on RA describes its principles as pretty much anti-everything. At least when it comes to relationships. I would argue Andie doesn’t see RA that way. Andie’s characterization is fresh, positive and encouraging. But the Wikipedia entry. Well, see for yourself:
Indeed, this article, featuring two people in an RA relationship, speak in similar language. They contrast and define their relationship by what it’s not, comparing it to existing, undesirable relationships (according to them).
Now it could be the Wikipedia contributor who wrote the article is biased. He could interpret “anarchy” as “anti”. But the article linked in the above paragraph also characterizes RA as a “political” take on relationships. One trying to redefine what relationships look like. One also striving to “fix” power dynamics some RA believers think are bad.
But can we really define something based on what it is not? I think Andie does a better job describing the concept. It seems, however, many took the concept in a different direction.
The best relationship
Which brings me to the point of this piece. RA is great. It’s offers a fresh view of relationships. It certainly offers better options. Better options for those who feel uncomfortable with amatonormative edicts. It’s therefore not surprising the couple in this article includes both a trans person and a queer woman.
And yet, all relationships with other people fall short when compared to the one relationship that gives us everything we want. That is, our relationship with our Broader Perspective. While it’s nice finding love in another’s eyes, that love will nearly always be conditional.
Even in an RA relationship.
For even there, a person must find connections with people who have similar values. That makes sense. But even then, people will sometimes end up in conflict. What the couple does in that case depends a lot on how stable they are within themselves. And there’s no better stability than that found in our Broader Perspective.
Besides, our relationship with our Broader Perspective opens us to a love causing other loves to pale in comparison. It’s strong. It’s lasting. Our Broader Perspective’s love literally overwhelms us in its depths. And it feels freaking great!
Furthermore, through our Broader Perspective, everything is possible. Including finding the perfect partner. That is, if one wants that. This relationship is the best relationship out there. In so many ways it offers what human ones cannot.
When we put our Broader Perspective relationship first, others happen easily. (Photo by Oziel Gomez on Unsplash)
Literally everything we want..including freedom from death
Our Broader Perspective relationship is here to lead us to everything we want. All our desires get fulfilled through it. Our Broader Perspective constantly showers us with that which we’re wanting. When we put that relationship up front, those things flow easily into our reality.
Human partners can help us get things. They can connect us with jobs. They may even connect us with financial opportunity. But those too often come through filters, filters that often aren’t in synch with what we really want.
In other words, our Broader Perspective knows us best. It knows what will thrill us. It knows the best path to everything we want. Whether that be a material thing, or something else.
But the biggest thing that relationship offers is something no human can touch. It offers freedom from the fear of death. I know, that sounds crazy. After all, so many of us are too busy living. Too busy living to think about death.
Well, it seems that way.
But most people’s fear of death is front and center in their lives. It’s one reason people worry about time running out. Their fear of getting old has its basis in death. So does their fear of being single.
Fear of death takes many forms
The fear of death is pervasive in the world. It doesn’t feel like it’s about death though. That’s because the fear hides behind other fears.
What kind of fears? Fears of being cast out of a group, for example. The fear of losing one’s job is another. The fear of being unable to support one’s family is yet another. As is the fear of one’s human partner betraying us. There are plenty more.
These fears mimic the ultimate fear, which is the fear of dying.
And so people respond to all these fears in predictable ways. They’re impatient. They’re demanding. They are desperate. And in that, they cut themselves off from the one thing that can relieve them of all these fears and more: their Broader Perspective.
The fear of ending up here can take many forms. (Photo by davide ragusa on Unsplash)
Now I’m not saying don’t have human partners. What I am saying is, first, ground ourselves in the one partnership giving us everything we want. Including the beating of our hearts and the breath we take.
And when one finds that, there’s little “need” for anything else. Because everything else naturally flows from there. Including human love.
I’m in favor of RA. I wish it had a different name. RA is closer to the Broader Perspective love I’ve described in this post than many of the other relationships humans form. Including parent-child relationships. There’s still a ways to go though.
The better it gets the better it gets
And isn’t that the great thing about life experience? There is always a ways more to go. Because life is eternal. We never get to the end. We’re never perfect. But in the perfection of the now, we are perfect. Not perfect as in “complete”. Not perfect as in “done”. But perfect in our becoming more.
Standing there, I see this RA concept fitting what I want in partnership. With my stability rooted in my Broader Perspective, I know what I’m wanting is on the way. I’m eager to see it unfold. I’ve had tastes of it. And I’m patient for further unfolding.
Andie’s onto something. I’m eager to learn more about RA. But I’m clear something better exists. I enjoy that something now. Which allows me to feel excitement. Excitement and joy about those finding satisfaction in RA.
Good partnerships elude many. That’s because many look there for something that’s not there. Something that only comes from a relationship with themselves. I write this blog to show people how to “know thyself”. And in doing that, find happiness from within. Instead of looking for it outside themselves.
My clients consistently find that happiness. Along the way, they get more of what they want too. Their examples fill me with eagerness. They also amplify my own happiness. A happiness that gets better and better.
Maybe you’re ready for your version of that? If you are, contact me. Let’s get you started. Let’s find out how “better” life can get.
I suppose most people think being scammed is a bad thing. But a scammer taking advantage of you tells you something really good.
No, it doesn’t tell you you’re stupid. Or that you should be more aware…although you probably should. What it is telling you is that there is something happening inside you that makes you a match to that experience.
Yes, the scam “victim” draws that experience into their life. Being scammed isn’t a random event. No event is. Instead, it’s a reflection of an inner state, a vibrational state. The event vibrationally matches that inner state, so it shows up in the scammed person’s experience as manifested reality.
This is exactly what happened with a client recently, although she caught it early enough to avoid being scammed. Just like I did before.
I wrote about what most people would say was the positive side of this experience last week. But this week I’m going to share another positive side. A side most would probably think was “negative”.
But it’s not. It’s very, very positive.
Desperation: a great money maker
As I wrote last week, this client finds herself attached to a certain guy. This guy waffles in his affection for her. The client knows she deserves better. But because of beliefs causing her attachment, she can’t pull herself away from the guy. I mean, she could, but she feels compelled not to.
As a result, she wants him to change. But he won’t change. That’s because her focus remains on his waffling behavior. She doesn’t like that behavior. But because she fixates on it, it persists.
Not only that. It’s getting stronger.
And as it does, her desire for it to change gets stronger too. So the two amplify each other. That amplification leaves my client feeling desperate. And desperation is what the vibration feels like that makes one a match to scammers.
Especially scammers who use the potential of finding love as their leverage.
No where are people more desperate than in their pursuit of love. They’re willing to spend thousands to get it. They’re also willing to kiss a lot of frogs.
Meanwhile, the endearing, unconditional love they seek in the world around them exists closer than they think. It’s right there inside them. It’s the connection between them and their Broader Perspective. And when a person connects to that, love from another human pales in comparison.
The irony is, when a person has this inner relationship front-and-center, human relationships get better. And love one wants from another human gets better too.
Conditional love or unconditional love?
The client in question doesn’t have this Broader Perspective relationship front-and-center though. Instead, she’s allowed her relationship with Mr. Waffle to displace that relationship. And this is why she feels desperate. Because love from another human always comes with conditions. Broader Perspective love, however, is unconditional.
Displace that unconditional love with conditional love and the immediate feeling is insecurity. Keep it there long enough and insecurity turns to worry, concern, fear, jealousy and even hatred. These emotions happen when that unconditional love another human brings to the table bears out as unconditional: when they get mad at us for not meeting their expectations. Or for doing something they don’t like.
Our Broader Perspective has no conditions we can’t meet. It doesn’t get mad at us. We don’t irritate it. It just loves us, period.
A person trying to rely on conditional love can develop feelings of desperation when everything they try fails to coax their partner into behaving the way they want. That’s what was happening with this client. And that’s why she was feeling desperation.
Finding her way
So last week when those four new perfectly-matched dating options showed up, the client was overjoyed, at first. As she explored one of them more deeply, however, he turned out to be a scammer. A scammer preying on people desperate for love.
This revelation had the client feeling angry, then sad. But what was happening wasn’t sad. It didn’t have to be anger-inducing either. That’s because the experience showed my client exactly where she was vibrationally. And if she didn’t know where she was vibrationally standing, she couldn’t do anything about it.
Thankfully, the client’s Broader Perspective got her attention well enough to trigger skepticism about this person. She looked into it a bit more, then discovered the plot.
She’s still struggling though. She hasn’t yet found her way through disempowering stories on various subjects. Stories that have her feeling vibrationally low. And creating circumstances, events…and men, projecting that low vibration back to her.
And yet, improvement is on the horizon. So long as one persists in their focus, their desire to improve their vibration, that will happen. Then the world must reflect that improved vibration back to her in the form an improving life experience.
In the meantime, this client already has created enough evidence on other subjects proving the Positively Focused Way works. So she’s going to persist. Which means she’s eventually going to get everything she desires. Including a satisfying relationship.
On my other blog, I encourage readers avoid online dating. It’s costly. It rarely succeeds. And it’s not very fun. Especially for BIPOC.
Recently, a Positively Focused client came to her own understanding of this. She realized, unconsciously, as most clients do, that the Universe is a wish-granting jewel. It constantly fulfills every desire.
Just because it does that, however, doesn’t mean we receive every desire fulfilled. To receive, we must be tuned in. We must be on the same frequency of the fulfilled desire. That means, of course, following Broader Perspective impulses. If we do that, we end up at the perfect place and time to real-ize fulfilled desire.
However, most of us don’t know how to hear impulses. So we move through life haphazardly. Or we rely on “doing”. We try making things happen. Instead of allowing them to happen.
That’s what lead to my client’s epiphany.
Attachment breeds unconsciousness
My client currently is in love. Rather, she thinks she is. Actually, she’s in very strong attachment. Attachment over this guy she thinks is “The One”. The problem is, no person is that. The only “The One” in our lives is us. In other words, we each are our own “The One”.
Most of us don’t realize this though. That’s because society talks us out of our inner knowing. We then forget we are eternal. We forget we are eternally loved, loved by us, and that no other love can compare to that. Especially conditional love from another human.
This client finds herself thus. She’s struggling, therefore. She’s struggling because she’s experiencing things she doesn’t like about this guy. Every time they spend time together and get close, for example, he freaks out. Intimacy frightens him. So he’ll waffle. One day he’s all Lovey-dovey. The next day, he “needs space.”
This pattern may sound familiar.
The problem for my client is her attachment. She wants so bad for this person to change. But he can’t change when she focuses so much on his behavior she doesn’t like. Behavior reflecting her own waffling way of being.
That’s right, my client realizes in this guy’s behavior that she was this way in relationship for decades. So she is having her dominant way of being in relationship reflected back to her.
I told her this was the purpose of this relationship: to have her see what’s happening inside her, vibrationally. Seeing that, she can then change her frequency.
But she’s not having that. Which has her suffering in indecision and strong resistance. Resistance she thinks is desire. She’s struggling in attachment too. Attachment she thinks is love.
But it’s not.
Which is why what happened next is so compelling.
The Universe delivers
While my client holds onto attachment for dear life, her focus on what she doesn’t want already has created what she does want. The Universe already answered her desire for a better relationship, in other words.
Still, her attachment has her pining for this one guy, rather than going with the flow of her unfolding.
“I was on my Facebook profile,” she explained one session. We were talking about her dating possibilities and how the Universe keys up an infinite stream of increasingly better quality men for her. “I rarely visit it. So when I did, I noticed I had 150 new friend requests.”
She continued: “I’m on eHarmony. None of the men I see there are attractive to me. It’s depressing.”
The client said she wondered while pursuing her online dating profile if she should date only widowers. She thinks such men would be better matches. That’s because, supposedly, they had long, enduring relationships, right up to the bitter end! Then she said she also thought she should date only engineers, since she gets along with such guys easily. She used to work in an engineering-heavy industry.
“So when I looked at the friend requests,” She explained. “Four of them were really handsome men. All four were widowers and all were engineers! That’s so weird.”
“Weird” means “I’m oblivious”
“Weird” is a common client refrain. Like most people, clients don’t get how consistently Universe delivers on all desires. So they don’t experience enough evidence of it. When I point out the evidence, they can’t believe it’s how the Universe works. They instead see these experiences as standing out. As strange. As “weird”.
In time, anyone will move beyond “weird” to just accepting that the Universe does this. But until then, people just can’t accept that these “coincidences” are how the Universe works. In other words, they’re oblivious. And that obliviousness blocks them from seeing their desires fulfilling themselves, like this client seeing the Universe give her matches without her having to do anything.
This obliviousness is why people are trying to find their match via online dating. And trying to “make” other things happen in their lives too. They think “doing” is the key to getting what they want. When in fact, relaxing and trusting will make it happen easier and with more fun.
People make a lot of money out of other people thinking “doing” is the only way.
I encouraged my client to get this: That the Universe knows better how to deliver what she wants. And that no amount of doing can replace the power and leverage of the Universe.
But she’s still attached. So she’s still struggling. Meanwhile, the wonder wasn’t wasted on me. I reveled in the awareness giving me insight into the gift the client received. Even if she can’t enjoy that awareness fully…yet.
I know, in time, should she continue, she will. It’s the natural unfolding of All That Is. All That Is, which is what we all are.
Discover how the Universe is serving you with utmost loyalty. Contact me. Let’s get you started in your own practice.
It’s so fun helping clients discover they create their reality. I love participating in that unfolding. When such people discover their manifestation power, they realize they can create what they thought was impossible. Then their lives get really fun.
Of course, everything is possible. The only things keeping some things impossible are beliefs we hold. “That’s impossible” is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Things change though when someone discovers they stand at the center of the Universe. There they realize they create everything around them. Including all the lovers they want…or the lack thereof. 🤷🏽♂️
Stories are powerful
One client’s personal experience showed how powerful, or disempowering, beliefs can be. She started practicing with me 36 sessions ago. Last week, something happened that amazed her.
During those 36 weeks, Jennifer (not her real name) uncovered many disempowering beliefs. They included beliefs about dating, about men, about men’s intentions. But they also included beliefs about Jennifer herself. These included beliefs like the following:
I’m not good enough to get what I want
I’m too fat to get the guy I want
Men only want me for sex
I’m too old
Time’s running out for me to find a guy
I never can find the right guy I want
Taken together these beliefs created Jennifer’s reality. What did that reality look like? One where men she met wanted her for sex only. Several often called her, but only when drunk. They demanded sexually explicit texts, wouldn’t talk on the phone, and when Jennifer pushed the issue, they would ghost her. Others made promises to meet in person, only to disappear later.
No wonder Jennifer, who happens to be transgender, formed negative beliefs about dating, about men and about men’s intentions.
It’s not that her beliefs weren’t true. After all, she formed many of them from past experience. But if Jennifer wants what she wants, she can’t expect to get it while holding beliefs about what she doesn’t want, no matter how true they are.
Beliefs are powerful. They can create more of the same. Or they can create what you want.
Abraham puts it plain. You get what you look at because what you look at forms your beliefs.
Choose: get what you want or be right
Jennifer had a choice. She could talk about what’s true and be right. Or she could create beliefs and talk about what she wants and get that.
For example, one belief she had about men was “I’ll never meet a nice guy locally”. Every guy she had met, she met through OKCupid. Desperation had her using online dating. No matter how many times I told her online dating works terribly, she kept using it.
That’s because she also believed it was the only way she met men. See how beliefs create reality? Her’s about not meeting local guys had her believing she could only meet men online. So that’s how she met them. And, the men she met there showed up consistent with her other beliefs. Especially beliefs about herself as a transgender woman.
The online experience only amplified her frustration, which in turn reinforced her beliefs. Again, Jennifer can’t entertain beliefs about her past and get what she wants. Instead, she must focus on what she wants. That’s what we focused on in the ensuing 36 sessions.
It’s amazing how many people prefer being right than get what they want, which is why they end up on medications, lonely or unhappy in life. (Photo by Molnar Balint)
Evidence starts proving it works
Over time, Jennifer’s new, empowering beliefs started creating realities consistent with themselves. It was rough going at first. Often Jennifer reinforced her old ones more than energizing new, more empowering ones.
However, there’s something cool about telling positive stories. Such stories enjoy enormous creative potential. You see, the Universe wants everyone to enjoy what they want, no exceptions. So when someone lines up with what they want by telling positive stories about it, they become a match to that. Then, that person gradually starts seeing evidence of what they want showing up everywhere.
That’s what happened with Jennifer. For example, men started waving at her as she walked down the street. Every time it happened, she said, she looked behind her to see if the guys were waving at someone else. Nope, they waved at her.
Or the male barista at the drive up kiosk would chat Jennifer up, where before he would ignore her. Another time a gas station attendant complimented her nails. And another time, a male restaurant sever paid particular attention to her as he attended the table she sat at with friends.
Ordinary people chalk these examples up to “coincidence” or some other logical explanation. But there’s no such thing as coincidence and logic has nothing to do with it! Everything happens on purpose. The purpose is reflecting back beliefs one tells about what’s happening.
The more Jennifer got this, the more such things happened.
Evidence grows more insistent
Until one day while walking her dog at the local dog park, a man who also had his dog approached her. He said hi and Jennifer returned the greeting. They enjoyed a nice conversation while their dogs played. Afterward, the guy said “Oh, dude, I gotta go. I’m late.”
Now Jennifer interpreted that as the guy misgendering her. We don’t know what his intentions really were, but I told her telling such a story was not in her best interest.
“It’s better to make up a story that you feel better about,” I said.
“Like what?” She asked.
“Like ‘the guy was using “dude” like some people do. It’s just a figure of speech, like an exclamation”,” I replied.
At first, Jennifer didn’t like that new story. But after some cajoling she admitted it felt better than the knee-jerk story she wanted to tell.
I told her telling such stories would create the next evidence that would knock Jennifer’s socks off.
And that’s exactly what happened next.
Every one can enjoy a relationship that knocks their socks off. Unless their beliefs run contrary to having that enjoyment. (Photo by Jeremy Bishop)
It bowls you over
Jennifer had other beliefs not related to men and dating. These needed attention too. The combination of beliefs, what I call a Belief Constellation, creates everyone’s reality. Jennifer’s constellation included many negative beliefs about her work and her manager. Those beliefs kept Jennifer on edge, defensive and feeling like a victim.
Feeling on edge, defensive and victimhood makes one a match to situations that exacerbate feeling those ways. And not just work situations, dating situations too. That’s why we needed to soothe Jennifer’s work beliefs too.
That took a while, but the better Jennifer felt, the more she wanted to do the practice. In time, evidence at work convinced her more and more her new beliefs were working.
Her boss complimented her more and more. She gave Jennifer more responsibilities. When Jennifer announced she was looking for openings in other departments, her manager offered to reclassify her job so she could get more pay. Finally, her manager came out and told Jennifer how much she valued her and how much she wanted Jennifer to stay.
Evidence at work was bowling Jennifer over. It amazed her that simply telling positive stories could literally change her relationship with her boss!
Then one day Jennifer texted me from work telling me how a process I taught her – called PRE-PAVING – helped change her work experience. In the text, she misspells it as “preparing”:
Then it happened
Riding on that positive momentum created what happened next. Jennifer felt good about changes happening at work. So much so, she softened on the idea that she couldn’t meet men in person. She started acknowledging evidence showing she was meeting men. It’s just that she hadn’t soothed negative beliefs enough to have such men approach her in person.
That all changed rather suddenly.
A few days after a remarkably powerful session, Jennifer sent me a text. It was awesome:
Many layers prove how powerful this experience was for Jennifer. For one, she didn’t have to do ANYTHING to meet this LOCAL, GORGEOUS guy other than follow her intuition to take Rocco out for walk. Second, there’s NO WAY ON EARTH she could have deliberately sought out this guy. It could only happen this way, a perfect orchestration of her unfolding reality.
Third, the guy did all the work. He approached her and initiated a conversation. But most of all, what’s super awesome about this rendezvous, is through it, Jennifer realized yet another belief she needs to clean up:
“He’s out of my league.”
However, even though that happened, she still had an experience totally contrary to EVERY experience she had in the past.
Every encounter a stepping stone
It’s really important at the point of receiving this experience that Jennifer enjoy the experience. Negatively judging herself does no good. Neither does harsh self-criticism about not doing something she thought she should have done. Everything worked perfectly here because this rendezvous wasn’t meant to be the perfect match or the perfect lover.
What it was, was an experience clarifying for Jennifer where she is on the path to becoming the perfect match to her perfect lover. How else will she know what disempowering beliefs remain in her constellation, if she doesn’t get to see her constellation in action? This experience worked perfectly.
It encouraged her. It created more desire in her. The fact that it happened gladdened her, inspiring her to the possibility that more such experiences can happen. It was a local connection! Something she thought impossible. And it showed that gorgeous men show interest in her.
So many disempowering beliefs got a dose of positivity just through this one experience. And so long as she remains in all these powerfully positive interpretations, Jennifer makes herself a match to more such experiences in the future.
Every client gets it
I love it when these kinds of things happen for my clients. Every client enjoys this kind of progression on their way to the love, the life, their greatest desires.
Everything is possible. Including having a relationship matching one’s wildest dreams. Nothing stands in the way of whatever anyone wants other than beliefs a person tells that are contrary to what’s wanted.
Clean those beliefs up though and watch how remarkable life gets.
Life is a wish-granting jewel. No matter what one wishes for, one can have it. One only need become a match to it, then draw that which is wished for to them as they hold themselves as a match to it.
I show clients how to do that. It’s easy, it’s fun and it works. Every time. You ready for your true love, your version of the Charmed Life Jennifer’s creating? I can help.
The best way to find lasting love is to give up trying to find him or her and let him or her come to you.
I encourage all my clients in this direction because it’s fun, it’s easy and it works 100 precent of the time. You can’t say that for online dating, that’s for sure. It’s crazy so many people try that route when so few succeed.
But being Positively Focused about your life guarantees you’ll meet your match. That’s why I guarantee it. And it will happen in a fun and easy way.
Universe stands ready
A client proved this recently in her own life. It happened so easy, it honestly knocked my socks off when she told me. Then I realized I had to share it with you all. It’s a textbook example of how cultivating a Positively Focused outlook works.
This client, let’s call her Diane, has been with me for about 34 weeks. We meet each week 1:1. She takes the practice seriously. She’s diligent about telling positive stories about everything. No wonder her life is filled with all kinds of amazing things happening.
Then again, they’re not amazing. It’s just what happens when one takes control of their life by telling stories about life consistent with the kind of life they want.
Buoyed by things going right in her life since taking on the practice, Diane pretty much stopped thinking about how, when or where she’d meet her match. Then she gave up looking for him through online dating sites. As a result of taking that off her mental plate, she also stopped blocking the Universe from giving her what she wanted.
She did that by not telling stories about her match (and other related topics) that created a reality where he remained absent.
Kissing a lot of toads
It’s easy to stop thinking about not having the love you want when your life starts giving you all kinds of great experiences. The paradox of that happening is, because you’re focused on the other great things happening, it’s easy for you to become a match to your Broader Perspective.
Matching that you hear impulses it constantly sends you. Follow them and you’ll eventually meet your match. The Universe will lead you right to the spot where your match is waiting.
Otherwise, you’re trying to do it yourself and, in trying to do that from your disempowering stories about dating, about your date-ability, about the whereabouts of your match, you take all kinds of routes that lead you on wild goose chases. Goose chases where you end up kissing a lot of toads. Sorry about mixing metaphors there!
But when you’re loving life, having fun, enjoying your own company, you turn into a cooperative variable in the equation that sums up to you and your match meeting. That’s what happened with Diane.
In fact, she didn’t even have to go anywhere. He came to her. Here’s how that happened.
Kiss that? No thanks. I’d rather be single, happy and let my perfect match come to me. (Photo by Laura Seaman on Unsplash)
Creating the Charmed Life
“I got a notification on my phone the other day,” Diane explained in our session. “It was a Facebook friend request from someone I didn’t know. I don’t accept friend requests from people who don’t have a picture on their profile. But my impulse said to accept it, so I did.”
An “impulse” is something everyone receives all the time. It’s a message from their Broader Perspective coming in response to a desire they’ve “put out” that their Broader Perspective received.
The impulse, when followed, leads to the unfolding manifestation of that desire. Should the person follow the impulse, they will eventually rendezvous with that fulfilled desire.
As one tells more and more positive stories about their life, they release resistance which creates “noise” that interferes with receiving impulses. As resistance subsides though, impulses come in loud and clear. The next step is following the impulses.
This is how the Universe, one’s Broader Perspective and the individual create “manifestations” culminating in the Charmed Life I write about here each week.
Impulses are the basis of the Charmed Life. But it all starts with being happy, i.e. the guaranteed results of a Positively Focused practice.
Not your job?
A human’s job is not to make things happen. That’s the Universe’s job. Broader Perspective’s job is to lead each individual to their fulfilled desire, which the Universe fulfilled.
So what’s the human’s job?
The human’s job is to create the desire which turns the Universe into more. Then the human receives the fulfilled version of that desire by following its Broader Perspective impulses. The receiving is always surprising and delightful. As such events fill one’s life, one discovers their worthiness, invincibility and the Charmed Life I mentioned above.
In this way, life becomes easy. Most people don’t know this. That’s why so many run around trying to make things happen while finding it very hard to make things happen that way! It’s why so many people give up on their dreams, or compromise on dreams and live lackluster lives. It’s also why so many are depressed, anxious, tired and alone too.
Diane developed a habit of hearing her Broader Perspective impulses with a determination I have yet to see matched by any other client. It’s no wonder then that her life overflows with examples of self-fulfilling desires, desires that delight and surprise her.
One great benefit of session time is we get to revel in all the delight and surprise. It’s fun hearing how clients gradually begin living the Charmed Life promised through this practice.
One advantage I enjoy is having my clients’ experiences amplify my own. They also confirm everything I know, which increases my confidence about what I share.
Ok back to what happened with Diane.
A bonus of my spiritual practice, in addition to it being my occupation, is the upward spiral delight of seeing my own personal practice results confirmed in my Clients’ results. I don’t need this to know being Positively Focused is the best life. But it’s sure nice seeing the confirmation nonetheless.
The impossible possible
The person making the Facebook friend request had a photo of a car on his profile because he was a car buff. Diane received an “impulse” to accept the request because of what happened next.
What happened next blew Diane’s socks off. Diane said the guy said he saw her profile and immediately wanted to get to know her. He thanked her for accepting his request, then started chatting her up.
The chatting continued every day for a week. Turned out he was an oil rig worker, educated, happy and very interested in getting to know Diane.
But at our next session, she told me she was concerned because she didn’t think this guy, let’s call him Jeff, knew that my client was transgender.
That’s right. Diane is transgender. Most transgender women have many disempowering stories about guys, which is why most transgender women remain single, alone, lonely and mad.
I know this because through my sister blog The Transamorous Network I serve transgender clients the same way I do with non-trans people. About half my client roster is composed of trans and trans-attracted people.
When Diane told Jeff she was trans, Diane said Jeff “paid it no mind. He thought I was cisgender, but he said me being trans didn’t matter!”
Anyone who is trans, or knows transgender women knows how rare such an exchange is. Some might say such an exchange is impossible. And here was Diane, a trans woman, having exactly that experience. Being Positively Focused pays yo!
The Transamorous Network, my sister blog offers insight into thoughts and beliefs of the transgender community. Through The Transamorous Network, I offer the same material I offer through this blog, Positively Focused.
Negative stories, negative reality
Most of the time, according to transgender women who contact me, the men they meet are chasers. They’re looking for “chicks with dicks”, or, when they think the woman is cis, then find out they’re trans, they disappear.
Again, a transgender woman never need experience any of that. But it does happen when, again, transgender women tell negative stories about dating, themselves and men.
For example, another client I’m working with who is transgender currently enjoys a long-running, online, long distance relationship with one guy. She’s actually seeing a few men as a result of her Positively Focused practice which has her changing her stories too.
But she needs improvement, evident in this exchange.
“Even when I’m at my worst,” she said in one session. “He keeps coming back.”
“Why do you think he keeps coming back?” I asked.
“Because he just wants me to fuck him,” she said.
What a disempowering story. Of course, there’s no way a guy would want to keep talking to her because HE LIKES HER. And, what do you think the story “guys just want me because they want me to fuck them” says about the transgender woman thinking such a thought?
Well, it demeans the transgender woman as much as it demeans the men she meets, thereby kiboshing any chance of men even having a chance with her!
Every belief one thinks or expresses or even allows in their awareness carries an associated vibration which creates realities consistent with it. Some of the most damaging are thoughts one thinks about one’s self. (Photo by Sherise VD)
Diane’s dates improving
Diane enjoys a different trajectory. Having changed her stories about subjects related to meeting her match, her men encounters improved dramatically.
First she’d get cat-called at bars. Then men wanted her for “quickies” in the parking lot. Then, guys would approach her, but ghost her after that first encounter. After that, men started sticking around, but they weren’t the caliber of men Diane wanted.
Now, here Diane is getting the furthest forward version of what she wants. And she literally didn’t even leave the house to meet him! Nor did she spend any money dating online.
Furthermore, Diane wanted a guy who had more going for him than “hustling”. Many men she met in the past were street hustlers. Mostly they were into the drug trade and generally getting into criminal mischief.
But Jeff has a steady job. More than that, he wants to take Diane hiking and fishing, as he enjoys the outdoors. Sounds pretty normal, right? But to Diane, it’s not.
“That’s something I’ve been wanting to do more and more since starting becoming Positively Focused,” Diane said. “That he wants to take me out to do those things shows me this is all working out perfectly for me.”
That love you want is right there in front of you. If you can’t see it, or you feel you’re not making any progress towards it, it’s likely you have beliefs which create realities where the relationship that is there, isn’t there. It’s a problem I can help with. (Photo by Toa Heftiba)
What’s the future?
How this situation turns out makes no difference. The main thing happening is Diane is improving her dating stories. She’s seeing her improved stories creating connections reflecting to her that improvement. Diane acknowledges she still has stories she wants to improve, so Jeff isn’t the final match, offering everything she wants.
How does she know that? Because she’s still evolving as a person and in what she wants. As her life improves, as she uncovers what she really wants and goes after that, she becomes more of her authentic self.
As that happens, she becomes more confident and more certain of who she is. Meanwhile, she’s meeting this guy amidst that transition. So Jeff represents a match to who she is currently. Other men stand ready and waiting for her as she becomes more.
And that’s why I urge clients not to be impatient when creating their reality. For the longer a person enjoys what they have, without thinking what they have – especially with partners – is The One, the more they will see what they have improve more and more. Why? Because they are becoming more and more.
Diane’s example shows how easy finding a lover happens. The less energy and attention one puts on that, the more they just enjoy life, the easier finding that person happens.
But when someone thinks finding a partner is a challenge, a problem or impossible, that’s exactly how it will be. Thoughts create reality.
Why not think thoughts that make your ideal reality easy? If you’re ready to know how, I got your back!
Now, I recognize I create my reality. Since the past is just another reality, I also re-create my past. That’s what happened this holiday season.
I’m sharing this for the many people who, like me, struggle with holidays. I know now “struggle” is optional. No matter how bad I used to feel, this year, I’m having the best Thanksgiving ever, in large part thanks to my house mate, who I’ll call Kimberly.
I’m going to relate how I transformed my holiday experience while interspersing some theory. If you want to know how all this works as a cohesive living approach I call Positively Focused, please visit my website. There you can schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 in which I’ll answer any questions at no cost to you.
How I transformed the Thanksgiving holiday in less than 15 minutes.
My house mate Kimberly is a manifestation I created after a wonderful ordeal involving previous house mates. In January I’ll tell that story.
Kimberly’s arrival fulfilled many desires. I know though that all fulfilled desires contain within them seeds for more consciousness expansion. That usually looks like “negative” experiences, although they aren’t that. Indeed, what happened Thanksgiving morning was perfect.
My potato au gratin. Yum!
Excitement filled our little home the night before. We bought an enormous turkey, planned several decadent side dishes and even went in together on a new projector to watch Killing Eve and Uncle Frank, Amazon’s new feel-good holiday movie.
Settled in for the night, we anticipated a wonderful morning cooking food, listening to music and generally enjoying time together.
That’s not what happened, at first
I’m an early riser. Kimberly usually wakes later. I got up eager for our culinary adventure. But as I got things ready, I noticed she had made a bag of popcorn late last night. That meant, I realized, that she might not get up early enough.
Little did I know she had planned on joining me. She even set an alarm. But something went wrong. Little did I know how “going wrong” presents enormous gifts.
For hours I relished the morning, preparing our dishes. As turkey dressing time neared though, Kimberly’s absence loomed large. Where was she?
My veggie medley and the au gratin all ready to eat. Ignore the sponge on the range 😂
It was a passing thought at first. Then it turned into worry. Then it turned into resentment. Kimberly wasn’t meeting my expectations, expectations I thought we shared.
That’s not her purpose though
Kimberly need not meet my expectations. No one lives to meet my expectations. When I got that a while ago, I mostly stopped resenting people when they did their own thing.
Everyone comes into reality pursuing their fulfillment, whatever that looks like. The paradox is, when a person shows up in my reality, pursuing their fulfillment, I know now they aren’t real, objective people. Instead, they reflect back to me beliefs I hold in my Belief Constellation even while they pursue individual self-fulfillment.
Other people (as well as everything else in my reality) are physicalized versions of beliefs active in me. I tested this over several years. Improving my beliefs always changed people’s behavior, especially the way they treated me.
Today, people in my life are angels. They show me active beliefs in my Moment of Becoming on their way to becoming my tangible reality. Realities I want I welcome. Realities I don’t want I know I can do something about.
Our turkey cooking its patutti off. LOL
Here’s what that looks like
I knew from years of Positively Focused practice that resentment and worry had nothing to do with Kimberly. Instead they indicated beliefs active that drew into my now, an experience I preferred not having.
Realizing that I did something about it. First, I looked inside to see what thoughts/beliefs I activated. After all, I had enjoyed, up to that moment, being in the kitchen by myself, making all this food my way, without having to compromise anything about what I was doing. It was fun!
My exploration showed old beliefs I created as a kid active in my now. They were about my parents, my family and holidays with them. That’s when Kimberly offered an amazing opportunity. I could clean up those old beliefs and, simultaneously, clean up how I experienced my now, create better future experiences and transform the past too!
Once I got that I stopped preparing meals. I went to my room, set a 15 minute timer, then went into deliberate focus. In that focus I realized/remembered the following:
Kimberly is a manifestation. She is not real.
Kimberly is a manifestation of my entire Belief Constellation embodied in an apparition in my evolving now consciousness.
As such, constructively using realizations represents allows stronger connections with my Personal Trinity. Reacting any other way creates unwanted futures.
Kimberly’s choices are hers and those acts aren’t about me. But make them about me when I interpret them as such!
Such a wonderful gift.
Circumstances in life do this all day every day. People, objects, experiences all are physical representations of my ongoing beliefs.
For better or worse, most people don’t know this, so they interact with their reality as though it is separate, an objective reality apart from who they are, what they are and what they’re believing.
Even among those who know physical reality is a mirror of one’s internal reality, few know what to do with that information.
Those who don’t know struggle with all kinds of mental and emotional traumas, with few remedies other than iffy mental health therapies which often stretch over years and produce scant lasting results.
Rather than taking these wonderful gifts evidenced in people, places, objects and events, for granted, humans can use them for personal transformation. Done diligently, such transformation also transforms ordinary life into the Charmed Life I share with my clients.
Seeing Kimberly as a transformational opportunity also let’s her off the hook. She can be how she’s being and in the absence of me making her wrong, she becomes the angel she is, but only when I see her from my Inner Being perspective, my Broader Perspective which sees everything in reality as blessed, perfectly unfolding and beneficial to all the Universe.
Creating awesome from ordinary
The moment I tuned into my Inner Being, the discomfort, angst and resentment lifted. It was crazy how fast and complete it was! One moment it was there, the next POOF! Totally abscent.
What flowed in its place were thoughts about how wonderful this experience turned out to be, how good realizing that felt, and how remarkable I was as a deliberate creator creating this experience. I felt compelled to voice these thoughts:
Wow, I feel much better.
This is so much better than how I felt before.
Those old beliefs soothed in my awareness placed on more empowering thoughts.
I am having a good time creating a new reality with just my awareness.
I get that my reality is my creation, including other people in my reality.
Then I started thinking about the meal I’m preparing:
This meal is going to be really good!
The au gratin smells delicious!
So do the roasted veggies!
The stuffing is going to be good too!
Then came the extraordinary convergence of reality matching my new perspective: At that exact point in time, Kimberly came bounding down the stairs. I heard her walk into the kitchen from inside my basement space. Then she sent me a text:
Trippy! The very moment I tuned into these better-feeling thoughts, my experience of Kimberly shifted. A new reality showed up including a different Kimberly!
Nevertheless I wanted to amplify how good I felt. It felt so good. These thoughts flowed next…
That’s so cool what just happened.
I shifted my reality!
And my apparitions shifted too.
What I’m discovering is so accurate.
I love my Inner Being relationship!
I felt waaaay better by now.
In that moment I returned to my original bliss. I realized too my old beliefs transformed as well: I see them now as having created experiences long ago that, I was destined to shift, in my now, my current Thanksgiving; and in doing so transforming my past holiday experiences, my present one and all future ones.
I have wonderful new memories about the holidays. Memories made more powerful because they sprung from enlightened consciousness. I know thoughts born from enlightened consciousness are far more powerful than those born out of it.
I also now know that I’ve transformed past, present and future in one fell swoop. I know it because I feel it.
What does it feel like? It feels like Joyful invincibility.
“This stuff makes no sense,” A client said. “It totally illogical. How do you know this stuff works?”
This client’s frustrated outburst is part of the path. In only six weeks their relationship transformed, they’re feeling more comfortable in their skin, feeling happier and more excited about life. They’re now pursuing dreams of becoming a well-paid musician by taking practical steps in that direction. Their life: better, their mood: more positive, their experience of life experience: more fun.
Why did such a question come up despite all this evidence?
In a word: momentum.
For a while it’s a roller coaster
When clients first start working with Positively Focused, they get excited. They see evidence of their life getting better everywhere. The more they alter their stories and perspectives, the more evidence they see.
At some point though, old stories reassert themselves. These old stories are living things, like everything else. They enjoy life energy they get when a person focuses their way. When a person stops focusing on old stories, they sort of push back. They don’t want to lose attention they once got.
When they push back, clients feel the negative emotion that comes with that. Momentum ensues and, before you know it, they forget evidence they created that excited them just days ago.
This is normal. It’s also why it helps having someone who’s walked the path and knows what to expect. That’s where I come in.
How do I know all this stuff works?
I know this stuff works because it’s working in my life. I know it works because my desires are coming true all around me. I know this stuff works because I feel excited about this work, I feel excited about life, about living, about the evidence happening in my life, both in physical and nonphysical. I’m excited because life feels so freaking great…and that’s because of this work.
In their frustration, this client couldn’t understand how I have insight to All That Is and “nonphysical”. They couldn’t understand how I speak so confidently about how the Universe works, how it’s designed by us to deliver all we want, and that life is supposed to be a positive adventure. They couldn’t understand how I could know something “limited human consciousness can’t possibly know.”
I told him the reason they can’t understand it is because they’re not yet where I am. I told them human consciousness is only limited when the human believes their consciousness is limited. The reason why I speak with such confidence, I told them, is because I’ve changed my stories, and my reality broadened to include awareness of the nonphysical world.
I have a third degree black belt in nine different martial arts. It took me about five years to get to that level. I once trained others in these schools. When I did, I spoke with the same clarity and confidence about that material as I do about “stories create your reality and here’s how.”
My “Menkyo” certifying my 3 black belts in 9 martial arts schools.
In the martial arts field, what separates my opinion from an opinion of a white belt, someone who is just starting or someone who has now experience at all? Experience, practice, knowledge and wisdom that comes from five years of personal experience with the material, with guidance from a 15 degree blackbelt who’s been training in this material over 35 years.
The same is true with this work. While others focus their attention on perhaps finding love, raising families, building careers, wealth and material satisfaction, I’ve focused my attention on epistemology and ontology using empirical methods applied across a wide variety of “spiritual” fields. I’ve been doing this at least since I was six.
Walking the path makes me an expert
So I am clear. I speak with confidence and clarity in this field in the same way I do in martial arts: I know because I’ve walked this path so long, I just know it.
The cool thing is, anyone can do what I do. With diligence and focus, anyone can have a life they love filled with everything they want and then show others how to get that. Life is meant to be lived happily. Do that and you’ll have a happy life. The question is, how do you “do that”?
That’s what I know and what I show my clients.
By the end of our time together, this client was back in their usual happy space born from doing the work for 12 weeks. They thanked me as my clients usually do: by telling me they love me.
I understand who and what people are. I relate to them from there. When I do, they feel that. When they feel that, they can’t help but express love for me. I’m loving them after all.
Frustration: that’s part of the path at first. Because I know this, I don’t let doubts about my credibility shake my confidence. I do the work, which is why I know what I know. And that’s why I can help people create lives they love.
